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Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard and confusing it can be to sort through these kinds of dynamics.

When it comes to ADHD, it can be really difficult to tell whether a behavior is part of the condition or something more concerning. ADHD often creates challenges for the partner who has it—things like restlessness, emotional dysregulation, or forgetfulness. At the same time, if the non-ADHD partner doesn't fully understand how ADHD shows up, it's easy to misinterpret those behaviors.

For example, just this week, my partner—who has ADHD—was dealing with a painful sprained calf. I encouraged him to rest, but his restlessness (a common ADHD symptom) had him pacing around the house instead. Even after I asked him multiple times to lie down, he kept moving. If I hadn’t spent years learning about how his ADHD affects him, I might have thought he was being reckless or trying to make things worse for himself. Now I know it’s not about defiance—it’s his ADHD making it hard to be still, even when it’s in his best interest.

Reading your examples, I found myself wondering: is your partner using medication to help manage his ADHD? The right medication can make a huge difference, especially when it comes to things like emotional regulation and impulsivity. That, in turn, can make your experience in the relationship a lot easier.

The more you learn about ADHD and how it shows up in your partner, the more clearly you'll be able to tell whether a certain behavior is ADHD-related—or something else entirely. One resource that really helped me was Melissa Orlov’s Couples Seminar. It offers a strong foundation in understanding how ADHD impacts relationships. There’s also a live Q&A portion, which is a great opportunity to get expert guidance on specific situations you're unsure about.

If you're looking for more immediate support, Melissa also has a membership program that includes live office hours twice a week. That could be a helpful way to ask questions in real time and get clarity when you need it most.

I hope some of this is helpful as you navigate things. You're definitely not alone.

This is abuse of you, no matter what diagnose explains it. There’s no excuse.

Please seek a cautious way to get out of this. Contact social services or medical providers. Try to find temporary shelter so you don’t have to cohabit while sorting things out. Leaving an aggressive partner may be dangerous. 

here are some hopefully helpful comments:

1.Couples therapy also didn't work with my ADHD spouse. She got defensive and paranoid when she was "put in a corner". It is an impossible situation when ADHD partner doesn't want help or to improve the relationship, likely because of life-long insecurity and failures.

2.Acting the victim of your own spouse is not necessarily abuse them. If you don't want physical "action" at the same time you are not a victim. And this dynamic of different timing of physical drives is not ADHD, rather it is a perenial human condition, Where these days #metoo blames every male for being human, even though 90% it is probably not abuse. If you are legitimately an actual victim, you should probably call the police on your husband and get him into jail for physically abusing and stalking you in your home?...but is that true? or is your post saying you don't feel attracted to him and he has ADHD? because claiming abuse and fear and claiming ADHD behaviors are totally seperate matters and should be considered carefully.

right?

it’s so hard to know, once there’s a diagnosis, what is ADHD and what is something else. I’m still working out the toxic blend of traits that is my ex, all delivered with a victim mentality that has always painted me as the bad guy. But bare minimum you should be able to sleep safely, undisturbed, and your partner should be prioritising your wellbeing to the basic level of letting you sleep. This is at very, very best selfish and that’s not appealing. But it’s also deeply strange and unsettling behaviour and no way to live. I would recommend packing your bags rather than sticking around to see quite how strange it gets. Good luck.