I've separated from my ADHD husband (I think there's a bunch of other undiagnosed stuff going on there too - autism, possibly NPD, idk).
One striking result of the separation is the degree to which my son has progressed through a reassessment of the family dynamics, of his father's behaviour, and the effects of this on him. This has been entirely self led and though I am happy to talk to him about issues, I really do my best not to influence. The net effect has been to make the young man happier, as he no longer feels to blame for all the things his father used to blame him, both explicitly and implicitly. It has also released a lot of anger, which he can express to me, but not yet to his dad. Specifically, about how disengaged his dad had been throughout his childhood - he didn't, for example, even bother to teach him to shave (I had bought the kit, gave it to the boy's father, sent him upstairs to show the boy how to do it; Dad had just handed the kit over and left the boy to work it out for himself) and how disengaged he continues to be even now, that we're separated, and they spend weekends together. Dad works, watches re-runs on telly, looks at his phone. The lad is angry. I knew on some level before the diagnosis that his dad only offered a limited version of masculinity and so encouraged other contexts in which my son could find supplementary role models - in Scouts, family friends, his grandpa. But none of this can ever be really really adequate. And I'm a woman, so what I offer can never be a role model of how to be a good man.
I've been reading Steve Biddulph's Manhood. I plan to hand it to the lad so we can talk about it after he's read it.
Are there any other resources you know of, to help the boy find his way?
Thank you.
