I've separated from my ADHD husband (I think there's a bunch of other undiagnosed stuff going on there too - autism, possibly NPD, idk).
One striking result of the separation is the degree to which my son has progressed through a reassessment of the family dynamics, of his father's behaviour, and the effects of this on him. This has been entirely self led and though I am happy to talk to him about issues, I really do my best not to influence. The net effect has been to make the young man happier, as he no longer feels to blame for all the things his father used to blame him, both explicitly and implicitly. It has also released a lot of anger, which he can express to me, but not yet to his dad. Specifically, about how disengaged his dad had been throughout his childhood - he didn't, for example, even bother to teach him to shave (I had bought the kit, gave it to the boy's father, sent him upstairs to show the boy how to do it; Dad had just handed the kit over and left the boy to work it out for himself) and how disengaged he continues to be even now, that we're separated, and they spend weekends together. Dad works, watches re-runs on telly, looks at his phone. The lad is angry. I knew on some level before the diagnosis that his dad only offered a limited version of masculinity and so encouraged other contexts in which my son could find supplementary role models - in Scouts, family friends, his grandpa. But none of this can ever be really really adequate. And I'm a woman, so what I offer can never be a role model of how to be a good man.
I've been reading Steve Biddulph's Manhood. I plan to hand it to the lad so we can talk about it after he's read it.
Are there any other resources you know of, to help the boy find his way?
Thank you.
Comments
I've read your post so many times
I wanted to acknowledge your post. I've read it so many times. Thank you for sharing as it's been so helpful. I think this is what my future entails - how have you been coping? My heart breaks for you and your son, your ex is a grown man and it's probably better that you've let him suffer the consequences of his actions. But I can tell your heart breaks for ur son. Mine does too and we can't do anything about changing it - just love our kids and support them as best as possible without enabling.
Also, podcasts
I've been saving/sharing podcasts wirh my 12 year old. The appropriate ones of course. I find any podcasts with Karen Doherty- especially a recent one she did- are really good. She speaks about relationships, platonic ones but also is acknowledging thr pain that is felt when ur on the recieving end of someone dysfunction or under-functioning
How old is your son?
thank you for your comments.
Thank you, Off The Roller. I’ll look out for Karen Doherty.
My lad is 22.
Such progress we have made is more to do with his wellbeing than a better relationship with his dad. He tells me he’s let go of a lot of the anger but that leaves him feeling very little. He’s also spending quality time with an old and trusted family friend over a shared interest, which is proving really sustaining. It also makes me realise how vulnerable this - having a father like he had - can make children. What if we didn’t have a ‘safe’ older man for him to hang out with? kids could so easily end up in harm’s way.
We’ve talked about counselling - finding an older male counsellor who will listen to him; how that could be helpful and give him some of what he needs. We’ve talked about him re parenting himself his inadequately parented inner child (this breaks my heart as I was part of that inadequate parenting, not able to make it enough) He’s wondering how different he might have been - how much more confident, capable and outgoing- if he’d had validation and a decent rolemodel.
He’s pouring himself into his creative projects and looking for work - neither of which his father considers with any interest or approval - but the lad has given up any expectations there.
He’s generally doing better. But it’s a work in progress.