So my partner (Dx 3 years ago with adhd at 45 years old...hes 48 now) has, I believe, hit an all-time low.
In short, he went on a drinking binge from Christmas night and then decided on stephens day to continue the party until 11pm. So almost 24 hours of drinking. And considering he doesn't move his body, sleep well or eat any nutritional food.... Well, his body decided it had had enough. He was with my Brother in law who had never seen this side of him and well, it didn't end well. After getting barred from 2 pubs, running away from my BIL and giving him a massive scare, I told my BIL to leave him and go home and whatever happens, happens.
And all of it was played out in front of our 12 year old son, as well as 2 other brothers in law who have witnessed these breakdowns as well.
And something clicked for me. I've been here before and promised myself on how to handle this if it happened again. And I did it. I shined a light on his behaviour and I'm not going to brush it under the rug anymore. This included a family whatsapp message calling it out as well as a direct message to my husband that this was unacceptable and if he made it home.in one piece that I'll be deciding if he's allowed to live in the house anymore and that I deserved better, as did our son. And he will beed to figure out what work to do to win my trust back. And I meant every word. I know it and feel it bc I feel crystal clear in this decision. I've had enough and the line was crossed.
The next day when the dust settled he tried to dimish and deflect but I wasn't having it.
He has apologised to me and others but it feels like too little too late.
I had therapy today too and she was a safe space for me to talk it out and my options but she reminded me of something else: this isn't a time to solve or fix or move... its time for recouping and rest and recovery. And considering options but not being forced to do anything yet. My body will let me know when its time to do some work.
In the meantime, I'm curious as to anyone else who has had the rock bottom moment and what happened in the days/weeks following? I'm not even sure I want couselling anymore. My son is really stressed out about all of it, he's already downplaying it himself so I think perhaps some therapy for him but I might be pushing for something that an honest conversation and assurance that I'm ok and not going anywhere would help.
I'm curious as to the middle space between an incident that's traumatic and the finished outcome and how much time happened in between? Like, do people and couples like us recover from this and actually thrive?
Since the incident its been 3 days and all I've gotten is a sorry. But no other action. I belive my husband just isn't capable or have the tools for change. He is paralysed by his unmanaged symptoms of ADHD. every day. Every minute. He literally lays in the bed with paralysis. A win for him is a shower at best on any given day and im not sure this is what I signed up for. I've proven I'm.in this marriage in sickness and health but if it was reversed, I'm not convinced I'd get the same care. In fact I know it. And that's not on either. I think he needs a treatment facility and hate that I'd be the one to push it. I am assuming his physical retraction since the incident is due to intense shame. But he sits in his shame everyday. Every minute. It spins in his head. I have no idea who he is anymore. And the person he has become is not someone I'd like to be with.
But before anyone says it, leaving is an option but it won't be me leaving. No way. And I can't put pressure on myself to leave by a date or give myself a timeline. It's just too raw. He and I havent had a conversation about it yet bc to be honest, our house is a mess, it's a massive trigger for both of us. I truly don't think we are able to have a conversation without a professional present.
Maybe it's finding a marriage counsellor and/or mediator and giving him a choice. But even now, this feels like work to me. And im tired of the effort it takes to be treated like s**t by him.
Comments
So much
of this is familiar- is what I lived with. A similar event was when my ex drank himself stupid (not unusual) but this time came home bleeding from a headwound, and lying to me that he’d only had a couple of drinks. He was capable enough to lie but he sounded slurred and was unsteady so I thought he was having a bleed on the brain and I had to call an ambulance for him. I only found out later from a friend that he’d had a skinful. All this happened in front of our 14 year old son, who came home from Scouts to find his dad like this and paramedics in the house, with our 10 year old daughter asleep upstairs. The boy was soon in tears. That was a rock bottom for me. My ex though, he, well, he is so able to deminish and deflect and I was so persuadable that I was the one at fault that the problem became my being judgemental, not him being a jerk.
I separated from him 10 months ago. I used to think I was just not a happy person. Now I realise differently. I know everyone’s circumstances are different, money can be an issue, we feel a burden of responsibility, but it was the best decision I ever made. Would recommend.
How long
Between the incident and separation?... if you don't mind me asking?? And what happened in between, did you talk to your kids about the incident at all? How did they fair? My husband disappoints us every day but this was a big time new low.
eight years
of me trying and him not trying. We had counselling. Daughter is broadly fine but I think didn’t need so much from her dad in terms of role model (she’s gay). Son is struggling with self esteem and has internalised a lot of shame and blame from his dad, that he’s now working through. Son and I have talked about this and other incidents, but daughter is not keen to. I struggled on and then hit a wall following a series of littler incidents, to do with his bad temper and impatience towards me while I was carrying everything. On the whole I would say, discount any sense of staying together ‘for the kids’ as this level of parental dysfunctionality doesn’t do the kids any good.
Brothers in law
Is it perhaps good your extended family witnessed this incident? Is there any support to be had from your brothers in law?
I have been traumatized by my ADD ex hiding his symptoms from others so well, his entire family seemed convinced his only problem was being married to despicable me… and my family hasn’t believed me. I was the only one who saw how deeply dysfunctional he was.
I don’t know if your husband drawing this kind of attention to himself will give you more support from relatives, but I hope so. And I agree, you shouldn’t be moving out. He should.
Yes true
So this particular BIL has experienced this type of breakdown before and he was and is extremely supportive. He's helping me big time.
But also yes, my husband is a great masker however this is severely cracked. And im here for it. Its time to get the light on this and heal and figure out what the next step is.
Conversations with counselor present
This seems like a terrific idea. You should have support when addressing these issues since your partner doesn’t seem fit to be trusted.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best. ❤️
Would you counsel your best friend/sister/son to stay?
I know you don't like people suggesting you need to get out of this situation so I try not to comment on your posts anymore. But honestly, I believe you must know in your heart what the only real solution left is. You don't deserve to be treated this way and if you had a loved one in a situation like your own, I can't imagine you'd be encouraging them to wither away further and subject their children to constant dysfunction in the name of staying in sickness and in health. You know firsthand what unmanaged ADHD is doing to you and will increasingly do to your son as he witnesses more and more of these events and your unhealthy marriage dynamic. As hard as it is, you do have the power to improve your life and your son's life dramatically. I know because I've done it when my daughter was about your son's age. If you want your husband to be the one to end things so you don't have to (as you may be suggesting here: "But before anyone says it, leaving is an option but it won't be me leaving. No way."), you may be successful, but he will then control the the "if" and "when" and would likely only pull the trigger because you want it - not because he does - and the end result is the same.
I have been where you are in almost every respect and I have also seen the other side. I want nothing but the best for you because I relate to you so hard so I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't share with you how freeing it is to wake up to a clean space, to not have to mother another adult, to have time for the people and activities you love and to show your child what a legitimately HAPPY mom who is making the most of her ONE life on this earth looks like. My daughter loved her dad and always will, but she is so proud of me for leaving and has expressed that time and time again. All of us were better off.
I know, I know, I know it's not what you want people to say and I'm so sorry. I just SO want you to lead the fulfilling life you deserve. This doesn't have to be your normal. You are deserving of stability and happiness and so is your son. ❤️
I hear you Melody
I so hear you gurl. And appreciate it. Even if its not what I want to hear either. Everything you say is true too. I've come to terms that if my son had a marriage or relationship like this, I feel like I failed him as a parent. Big time. I do not wish this on him.
An old therapist once said if someone was to call in to a radio show and tell stories identical to those I've already experienced, what would I think the listening public would do?? And the answer is clear. Leave him. Kick him out. You deserve better. Get him help. Etc.
After the incident on stephens day, I am coming to terms with my husband having a drinking problem and that he might possibly need a treatment programme. That's how far gone with unmanaged adhd he is. He's not just under functioning, he's paralysed. He can't move most days. He's miserable. And in the same breath of his misery, he will tell me I'm his number 1 priority and he's working so hard for me and our son. He's just a mess.
In terms of leaving, I'm trying to open myself up to that. We are in a lucky position in having potentially a spare residence but it's so difficult to see myself there after working so hard for the house I live in now. And to never see it flourish again. I really struggle with that. Also bc I come from a family of hoarders so I'm used to this but realising how debilitating it is growing up with so much stuff around. So maybe it's me that goes to the apartment. Or maybe it's him.
Or maybe we suck it up and keep the apartment and he goes to a treatment centre for a few months and I get that space and clarity that I need.
A famous comedian here in the country I live has been very vocal about his mental health and when he did an in patient treatment centre here and would you belive his physiatrist is the same as my husbands?!?!?! He was on a TV show and seemed so personable and inwas like... wtf. But it made me understand that the professionals are only as good as what the patient shares with them. If they are lying or masking.... Well, then thr patient isn't ever going to get better.
When I would’ve needed advice
I think as a rule few people like to recommend someone to leave their husband. They think they don’t know enough. It could backfire. Et cetera.
In retrospect, I wish my family of origin had done just that. Our family lived under their noses for extended periods and I confided in them. For many years I did little but tell of how upset I was with my husband.
After divorce, I’ve realized their listening passively to this but never intervening was not neutral. It actually normalized our dysfunctional marriage and my misery.
Did they think what I described was normal or acceptable? More importantly still for my relationship with them: did they think I deserved it?
It turned out passivity could also backfire. First when my ex got his diagnosis of severe ADD after 20 years and it became clear there actually was a problem with this perpetually smiling, masking man. And then when I left him 18 months later. Because nowadays my family makes me feel like shit. I feel terrible when I see them. They didn’t think I deserved any better than that marriage. Or they didn’t want to risk unpleasantness by voicing any worries they had about me.
It has damaged my relationship with them to a point where I don’t know how to repair it.
Some of us were taught as children our perceptions and emotions are not reliable. We are extra susceptible to warped reality, because we don’t entirely trust ourselves. Especially not if our parents think otherwise of their son in law than we do.
As it turned out, my misery was the only thing I should have trusted. I couldn’t, so would have needed advice.