My ex and I split about a month ago. It was the culmination of long years of difficulty, loneliness and stress for me; a supportive and nurturing marriage for him. He’s successful and high earning in his field. I am stalled, burned out, part time, looking after the kids still, struggling to get a professional role. I left because he didn’t hear me when I asked for change. I left because he didn’t think what I was saying mattered. I left because I became so unhappy I was thinking of killing myself.
He now wants to have a ‘good’ relationship with me for the sake of the kids. He’s suggesting holidays together. He wants to be friends. I really don’t want anything whatsoever to do with him.
The way I see it, he the only anger he has to get over is about me leaving. I have half a lifetime of his ADHD, his thoughtlessness, selfishness and laziness to process.
I know I should rise above, and just be glad it’s over - but how do you process your anger when it’s all one side - mine! - because all along he’d been having a really nice time while I struggled?
Comments
My life story!
I get you honestly...Boy, do I get you! When only one produces love and energy toward the other, the product is emotionally and mentally debilitating! We don't share children, but, we share grandchildren...I might see her from time to time (events), and I will be cordial (wish her no ill will) but it will just be coincidence and will stay just as cold/neutral as she has been for most of the past 17 years...
thank you!
It’s a strange comfort to hear how others’ lives here track one’s own. It diffuses some of the guilt, I think; the sense of failure; it helps clarify the muddied waters. I so often feel like the bad guy - have been made to feel like the bad guy - it’s good to see that really we are all just archetypes in this, cast in a role which is not of our making, and stuck with it until we get out of the relationship. And then beyond, if we continue to hear it.
Being “friends”
Mine wants friendship too after divorce. I don’t. It’s because the only thing he provided for me was exclusive love. I provided that and everything else for the family, including the brunt of finances. He wants me to continue to make his life easier and to take responsibility for him, but without him giving me anything. After him ending our love with abuse, which he claimed was appropriate.
Some friend.
Honestly, you have a right to be angry. It doesn’t define you, even if it might be all-consuming now. I’m sure you will eventually lose the anger and be like you want to be. In the meantime, please give yourself the love and patience you need.
The true worth of your anger (uncomfortable as it may be) is it helps you to draw boundaries versus your ex. Make them solid. Don’t be generous on your own expense.
I found demanding things for the children from my ex helped. Negotiate as much as you can for yourself. Deny him your presence completely if you’re angry with him. I’ve found anger is excellent for reshaping parenting for an over-giving person like myself.
this is so helpful, thank you
the idea that this anger can be useful - thank you! I already see that now you’ve pointed it out- I’ve been able to say ‘no’ to him and he’s taken it, for once, as a no. In the past he’d always consider my ‘I don’t really want to’ as far less important than his ‘I do want to’ so we’d end up living his life - holidaying with his ex and her family for years, for eg. Taking on commitments he wanted but I had to deal with the repercussions of. Now he just gets No and I there’s nothing he can do about it. There’s a joy in that. Thank you. That makes me feel happy.