When one, or both, of your parents have Narcissist tendencies, a child has little choice but to endure the abuse. You are a victim, in the truest sense of the word.
As an adult, you can always leave your situation. You do not have to stay and tolerate abuse, it is your choice....you are not a victim, in the truest sense of the word.
My SO, and I, have both been subjected to Narcissist parents. We both have developed strategies and behaviors that have reflect our means to survive our individual experiences as a response. I have my own "way" of doing things, and she has hers.
Here's something I've thought about recently, that I've only shared with a very few people. This is on my short list of "really bad" acting out as a kid growing up. This is definitely something if I'd been caught, would have probably changed the course of my life in a number of ways.
It serves me now as an example, of how I responded ( then ) to having my boundaries trampled on, with no recourse or means to stop it from happening. And it happened ongoing of course.
My go to response was to break things. It was a form of protest you might say. I never lashed out and attacked "people"...but I did take it out on inanimate objects. That's always been my go to response. Protest.
When I was getting close to about 11 or 12.....definitely Jr High School age, I started vandalizing "things". I became a vandal you might say. I woukd destroy public and private property just for fun. Not all the time, but on occasion, to release my anger from being abused. There were times it was pretty bad however. Bad enough ( the damage ) it was probably pretty expensive for my victims to pay for. I did get caught once, accidentally broke a window I wasnt intending to ( but I threw the rock ), and spent a summer paying for it out of my own pocket. ( being a golf caddy for $5 a round ).
That really didn't make me stop, I just thought twice about getting caught. I just made sure I didn't get caught again.
The point being, this was in response to being abused. It was passive aggressive and directed at the wrong place. What I was really doing was protesting being abused, but I couldn't aim that anger, back at the source because I had no means to develope boundaries there.
This morning, my SO started criticizing me over something really dumb. ( minutia ). This had to do with one of her many boundaries that dealt with her sensory issues and water stains from setting cups down that ( might ) be wet on the bottom. It's such a completely ridiculous thing to start a fight about, and I already know what will happen if I try to "talk" about it, with her need to criticize and complain about something, that seemingly, only bothers her.
The issue is....her need to criticize and complain. I'm assuming, it was her only way to be heard in a household with 6 sisters and brother. Being the youngest, the squeaky wheel got the oil. Vocally being so obnoxious ( possibly ) was a way to get her mom's attention. I'm guessing, this developed into a pattern to get her needs met especially with an ( alchoholic ) Narcissist mom who paid no attention to her.
And my go to pattern is to protest....by breaking things.
This morning, being in that same position, I protested in a different way. I simply left the room, in a calm collected manner. I didn't get angry or break anything. I just walked away. To be sure, it wasn't the silent treatment. When my SO came in the room, she asked if I was upset. I told her calmly : "I don't like it when you criticize me...so I left"
She actually apologized, I then continued to talk to her, as if nothing happened. There was no punishment involved. I made my silent protest, then continued on with the morning.
We both felt heard I think. I had already addressed the cup issue before the complaining and criticizing began so there was nothing else to say. We reconnected without a hitch....and this served to say exactly what I needed to say....without saying anything.....until I was asked.
My method was the same...I just did it differently. That's the point.
Comments
Identifying the Problem
The term “manipulation” is commonly thought to include an element of moral disapprobation: To say that Irving manipulated Tonya is commonly taken to be a moral criticism of Irving’s behavior. Is manipulation always immoral? Why is manipulation immoral (when it is immoral)? If manipulation is not always immoral, then what determines when it is immoral?
This is where I am exactly. This was taken from a philosophical discussion ( Stanford University about the ethics of manipulation.
From a non-judgmental standpoint, it becomes less a moral discussion ( bad or good ) to an ethical one. The prudent man.....wisdom.
I'm struggling tremendously with this, as I keep vasilating back and forth in trying to determine how I feel about this. There's no doubt in my mind this process is happening, in fact, I'm now seeing it many places in my life including my own mother. It's dilemma in that:
My own mother was not a bad person....in fact, she genuinely cared about our family and myself.
Her mother, was without a doubt, a very Narcissist personality...far worse than I ever observed with my mother.
So in essence, she learned these tactics from her mother, as her mother was her model for what was "right and wrong".
Yet, manipulation can't really be seen as a good thing. It's irrational and circomvents a reasonably discussion.
What I wanted to say here is this from my own experience and observation with my mother who died of complications with Alzeihemers.
Before she came down with Alzeimers....the "mother I knew" was different than the one I knew after her mind started to deteriorate. Behaviors I never witnessed before, emerged ( that were there ) when she lost her inhibitions.
These behaviors were definitely manipulative and it was clear what her intentions were and what she wanted. This was never hard to see or understand. In respect to this, it didn't change how I felt about her, but it definitely became more problematic as time went on.
And the more she needed from me, the more manipulative she became, keeping in mind, she was no longer of sound thinking or a rational mind.
So in respect to this idea of moral behavior, bad or good, it was really neither one. She didn't suddenly become a bad person. What she became was someone who was becoming desperate, and defaulted to the only means she knew. Her learned behavior ( skills ) in trying to get what she needed.
I see a lot of my mom in my SO. I see many of the same things and it makes me angry at times.
As with my mom.....my mom didn't need to resort to manipulation to get things from me. The bribes, the fiture faking, the relentless efforts to get her needs met were clearly unessarsry.
I would have done them anyway....for free....out of the goodness of my heart.
This transactional way of seeing things, prevented her from feeling the genuine feelings I had for her, and my willingness to help her ...as needed.
The problem with her after the Alzeimers hit was...she needed to much. To much for anyone to provide for her.
It's the idea of currency....and what that person needs most...and what the other person has to offer...in relation to what a person needs.
It's definitely not an easy answer. But stepping back and seeing things from a non-judgmental position helps me sort this out. If it's not "good or bad"...then what is it?
That's the million dollar question