Hi everyone, I'm reaching out for support and connection as I navigate a challenging chapter in my marriage. My spouse (5 years) shows many symptoms that align with ADHD—things like high impulsivity, emotional intensity, difficulty with boundaries, and a tendency to deflect during conversations. My wife has a son with ADD, so I assume this is in the family. When I asked my wife whether she had been evaluated for ADHD anytime in her life, she answered no " to that. She is 58. Over the years, this has led to patterns where my feelings get dismissed or minimized, and small requests (like respecting communication boundaries) turn into bigger conflicts. As someone who's highly sensitive and deals with health issues (seizure disorder) exacerbated by stress, it's been exhausting—creating cycles of hope, hurt, and withdrawal. We've tried therapy, but the lack of consistent change has left me feeling unheard and unsafe emotionally.
I'm currently proceeding with divorce after much reflection, but I'm struggling with the guilt and sadness. If you're in a similar situation (or have been), how have you coped? Any recommendations for managing the emotional toll, setting firm boundaries, or finding peace during separation? I'd love to hear your stories or advice—thanks for reading and for any insights.
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Sorry
Having spent two years now trying to recover from ADD divorce, I feel for you.
It’s been confusion, sadness, and despair. Especially if you’ve loved your spouse dearly and believed in their good intentions, it’s hard work letting go of them.
I guess everyone needs to do this in their own personal way, also depending on how they’ve been treated. For me, firm boundaries have been mandatory. Even though my ex husband has been present in my mind for countless hours after divorce, he’s never entered my home since he moved out. I don’t see him or speak to him other than with a couple’s therapist present. We text about children. This arrangement isn’t what I’d desire or could ever have anticipated beforehand. It’s however necessary for my emotional survival.
To rebuild life, the most useful strategies have been:
Relaxation techniques and yoga
Guilt for leaving was something I felt strongly before going through with divorce. Not until my GP told me to get out of the marriage to save myself and the children, did I realize the betrayal of myself, by putting up with the ADD marriage for so long, was much worse than leaving any adult partner, however helpless they may seem.
It also turned out they were a lot happier without me, and the last years of depleting myself and damaging my health to save the marriage, had just been a meaningless waste of everything.
So I dropped the guilt. In fact, I don’t feel guilty at all.
Best of luck with your transition.