Forum topic: Not Getting Triggered

Is a huge step forward for me. The ability to experience my normal triggers without reacting is really a big deal. It's not about containing or controlling the feelings that are uncontrollable....it's more, that you don't have those emotions ( feelings ) in the first place, or they're reduced so much, they're almost under the radar.

Yesterday was a perfect example. I've noticed the tell tale signs that she was not processing or dealing with things well. overwhelm I think. I sensed it coming so I was prepared. In a somewhat, irrational moment,  I recieved a chastising and a lecture about the usual things that bother her. In the big picture,  we were revisiting the: get everything done first ( in a rush, with a sense of urgency ) then relax vs pacing yourself, taking breaks and not trying to kill yourself in the process.  This is definitely like the old "Tortious and Hare" fable...except, I'm more like the Hare and the tortoise combined. I start slow, go fast, get sidetracked ( on other chores ) come back and finish one while having others started at the same time. It's not very linear I know, but it's all getting done. 

This drives her crazy to watch and I do understand why. Yet, it's really just a preference as to "how to do it"...not that it doesn't get done. The order ( priorities ) are different and the reasons why.

She's all stressed out with work too which is a huge part of it...so watching me work this way just exacerbates these feelings for her.

But, this way of work, works for me. It keeps me in flow, and allows me to allocate my energy as I need it. Hard things first, easy things last, and a few quick things in between batchesd together with other "like operations". I'm not expecting her to understand ( which I don't even try to ) I'd just prefer she not watch me do it since it stresses her out.

So yesterday, in a kick the dog moment, she ramped up her complaining about how I don't do it like her...basically.  This would normally trigger me and set me in motion...but I sat there and listened and had very little to say. After a few minute down load, she seemed as if she was done.

I said, "are you finished? " And she indicated she was. Without saying anything,  I got up and continued working with a little more "urgency" involved. I finished everything I said I would, and then left for the store ( the last thing I'm my list ) which requires no real physical effort .( which is easy for me ).

The thing is. None of that was necessary.  I was doing everything I said I would do...but doing it all in a different way and order than she would. The chastising and frustration sharing...was simply what she does. And I was ready for it.

Later, she apologized for being "crabby" and made several mentions later that she acknowledged she was being difficult.

That never use to happen before when I would react ( or overreact ) because I was triggered. I still don't enjoy these moments but....I'm the one in control ( of myself ) and that is what's different.  

The ability for me for me to do this is a big step forward for me....with no residual hard feelings and maintaining the same composure without letting it get to me.

The rest of the day went without incident and the evening went as if none of it ever happened.  She sent me another apology today from work and I responded by telling her I still love her anyway.

That's exactly what I would want, knowing how it is, when you lose your ability to cope sometimes.  That's what feels good. Behaving in the way, I would want myself.