I fear this post may be interpreted as selfish. As a non-ADHD partner, I feel there are others who can (albeit possibly reluctantly) admit to sharing my feelings.
Sometimes I think we are ashamed and feel guilty to admit how angry and impatient we can become as a result of trying to navigate the minds of our ADHD partners and how they impact/affect us individually and as a couple.
We are seniors and with that comes the inherent difficulties in elder relationships (47 years). Good news/bad news: Only within the past 5 years have we discovered & acknowledged his ADHD. Good news: it explained a trememdous amount of our decades of sporatic disconnection. Bad news: at a time in our lives when we need each other even more and our stress levels are elevated naturally, I am in no condition to (mentally or physically) deal with what I know is something he has great difficulty in controlling.
Making matters worse, I am an instant responder, more verbose, more logical and unfortunately, less patient to begin with. The later is something I've been truly working on. I am better. I tend to the anxiety side, which I've come to realize over the years, has been exacerbated by his ADHD. I try to be patient. But I also continue to wait for the next shoe to drop. It's become a viscous cycle of anxiety & momentary calm. The anxiety is killing me.
I've found the only way to protect myself from my husband's ADHD manifestations is to literally walk away from a situation, from his inability to respond, from the interminible wait for a response or his near constant change stories/information either in midstream or moments later. At times it even feels like gaslighting when he insists he "didn't say that". The changing of stories/words/instructions aspect - especially - has been the cause of actual near accidents for the both of us while travelling or hiking, which we both love doing. When I am out in nature, on a trail, I don't need uncertainty or fear initiated by my partner.
The only positive result of that is it's forced me to advocate. But when I do 'take charge' of my own autonomy, there is an overwhelming sense from him of abandonment, failure and letting me down. All of which I understand. So, I acquiese to him more than I should because I can't bear seeing him hurt or sad or like a failure. A stain which his parents created for him to wear throughout most of his life.
But in that acquesence I realize I'm putting my own self and both of us in possible jeopardy because, damn it...I know better in that particular situation. And that creates anger in me. Both at him and myself for not doing what I know should really have been done to protect us.
He truly cannot in many cases see the forest for the trees. His focus is scattershot, while mine is more pinpoint. I've often thought he would drown on a ship if I didn't direct him towards the lifeboats. Having said that it may be construed I consider myself some sort of know it all. I am most definitely not. What I am, I suppose, is a Caretaker. And I hate that.
Please forgive this long diatribe. As I write this it seems to amount to nothing more than selfish word vomit. I'm not seeking answers. I don't think there are any. I just didn't know anywhere else to share this because I know only people here would understand. Thank you. Linda
Comments
Sympathy
I relate to absolutely everything you wrote. For me, reading it is validating and adds nuance, so please don’t feel selfish.
It’s strange to know in hindsight a disability in somebody else has transformed one into a caretaker. My friends who go way back tell me it’s out of character. So my entire adult life is out of character. And the unhappiness, the desperate attempts to secure things that mattered, the social isolation, that was all just side effects of somebody else’s difficulties.
I haven’t lived my life, I’ve lived in whatever way was possible in the severe ADD context.
Guess one needs to grieve that at some point. Perhaps down the road I’ll feel I’m again living my own life. It’s been a while.
How do you cope? Do you have ways to get your needs met outside the relationship?
I hear you Linda
43 year marriage here and I relate completely. I wanted to respond so that you know you are being heard. I have been on and off the forum and check in once in a while and saw your post. I will respond again when I have time to formulate a concise reply. I started to respond and it went into a rambling post.
Nothing selfish at all....
Step outside yourself (fly on the wall) and watch the hundred's of Thousands (probably many many more) of couples who have attempted life together where the mind of one worked so differently than their spouse...It's called adaptation...There is no way to throw us in a basket w/ the neurotypical couples...Where most all things work (or have a chance to) safely, orderly and agreeably...
You can have a great handle on the challenges (as you do)...But it's never selfish to live your life in a safe and conscientious manner...At some point, the ADD spouse must recognize and accept the huge difference's also...
Some people's mind types aren't communication friendly, in marriage settings especially...
c
I thank you for your
I thank you for your responses. Sometimes, when we express our fears & feelings we aren’t necessarily seeking answers or fixes. We are simply grateful for acknowledgment and you’ve provided that for me. All too often, our male counterparts in a relationship (ADHD or not) don’t seem to understand this because many obsess with fixing things in lieu of simply providing the aforementioned acknowledgment.
Unfortunately, non-ADHD spouses can become more reluctant to share our feelings & fears with our spouses because often their initial reaction to our sharing is confusion and (as I call it) that “deer in the headlights” look/sense from them. When we’re in mental pain, the last thing we want is to know we’re responsible for causing pain in someone else. Sadly, this can lead us to shut down and hide our feelings/fears leading to disconnection, lack of trust and sharing…of any kind.
Our mutual love of outdoor activities is something which while bringing us great connection & joy also, ironically, provides me an opportunity to escape inside myself & my thoughts to an inner solitude & peace.
Again, I thank you for your commiseration and identification. But, as I wrote, just your acknowledgement of my feelings is greatly appreciated. LINDA
At some point…
I instantly grabbed on to your words “at some point the ADD spouse must recognize and accept the huge differences”.
Is this possible? If so, how does one get their ADHD partner to this point? I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to “just empathize” when I feel it’s all I do and that I would like a little in return. Is it possible for an ADHD partner to do that?
Just empathize....
Yes, we can get them there, but, no we cannot make them accept the effects of their reality on others...Especially a spouse...
I could write a lot about how friends, co-workers and even children get to experience a different person than the spouse...But I want...
Most of us aren't willing to hand over a list of things that they need to work on...Most of us aren't willing to place demands on them...I did, but, all it lead to was my divorce...Which I knew to begin with, and is the reason, I was so long suffering in the relationship...
The saddest part about what I and many here suffer when dealing w/our spouses isn't even ADD/ADHD at all....It's selfishness, victimhood, denial, and blame as it relates to them getting through life at the expense of others...Most of us don't want the product we know handing over our list of demands will bring...But, one day, (in some of our cases) we find out it's our only path away from abuse and persecution....
Blessings
c
Hey C, it's been a long time. How are you?
Hey C,
I had to come on to say hello, and vent a little I guess. Adhd hubby retired a few months ago, and I am totally overwhelmed by him being around 24/7., and the chaos and mess compounded now with several unfinished major projects and more. It's overwhelming. Retirement does affect most couples, but this seems to be over the top chaos now. Just a bit overwhelmed today, so had to check in and blow off a little steam.
I hope you're doing well, and all is good with you. We have to catch up on things don't we? Take care...
D.
Hey Dede...Great to hear from you!
Over the top chaos...So sorry, that doesn't sound very restful or peaceful...You know Dede, (it's clearer to me now, how I allowed my own fear to cause needless suffering for myself a lot of the time) Men and women who have spouses who demand (going to do it if their alive) to live this highly intrusive life like your talking about (clutter, unfinished projects, disorder, etc...) must meet the same stone wall attitude from their spouse's, who lives opposite!...We do not have to be angry, or spiteful, to communicate that fact!...We just have to make up our mind that we will not live another day in the garbage! Then, we just tell them, I am going to live my life in a clean, cared for and organized environment...(If they leave because their spouse is less important than their clutter and stuff, then they should) Anybody with walking around sense, can understand that statement...No emotion...Just facts...It might mean division of spaces or different spaces...But we should never fear cleaning our environment like I did for years, just to pacify the hoarder spirit...
As for me, I am well...My wife had forced me into a silent divorce for years...She lived in the guest room the past 4 or 5 years...And just came and went like she was single...No cooking, no cleaning, no help with the bills and no concern for me...So I eventually asked her to go back to the house she owned, (that was around April of 24) that had been setting empty for 95% of our 17 year marriage attempt...She ignored it for two months...So I filed for a divorce in early summer of 24...She did what I expected, lied to others, never kept a time line, and demanded money, and drug it out for spite...(She just played like always)...The divorce was final on March 10th 2025....Eleven days later I went on a friend date w/ a long time friend... (use to work with her) She has been divorced 3.5 years from an abusive husband, I ask her if she wanted to have a friend date...She said she would love to...So we went to a movie and dinner...We have been fast friends ever since...We really don't date...We kind of just started sharing meals, walking, meeting at her house or mine... We watched an 8 episode series on prime (House of David) that we both enjoyed and bonded during that time...She is 9 years younger and very beautiful, and as sweet as pie...We are so much a like it's uncanny!...We like the same things, we are both neat and organized...The list goes on and on...
After donna got all her stuff out, I was left w/a lot of garbage...I have a place out back that I can burn stuff...And I spent weeks throwing out and emptying this house...And started painting and remodeling it....It's very clean, very empty, and starting to look very modern and beautiful...I probably stayed in a mentally and emotionally abusive situation to long...But, love and prayers are never wasted...They do not have to be returned to have great value...
The last day donna was able to be in this house, she came and found me...Looked me strait in the eyes, and apologized...Not for quitting on her vows, or living with a defiant spirit like she was single...But, she said something very close to this: Now that I've moved out, I have come to realize how much stuff I have...I want to apologize to you for keeping you locked up in this hoarded up prison. She said, I am a hoarder, and I will need time to get better...That was as much ownership as I had ever witnessed by her in 17 years...
I hope you will take care of yourself...Life is way to short to allow ourselves to be taken for granted, especially by the one person who (vowed it) is suppose to have our best interest (and live it out) at heart....
bless you dede
c
C, so glad your life is better and happier.
Dear C, Thank you for the wonderful reply and I'm so thrilled to hear you're in a new life now. I was intrigued with how your ex responded to you about the mess and how she created that. Very interesting, but she didn't go any further than that. That does seem typical in many respects. Some folks just can't reveal themselves even though EVERYONE else can see who and what they are about. And, they don't understand (orbdon't want to) that BY revealing parts of themselves, they would aid in their own healing. Maybe they don't believe that they need help?
Anyway? Yes, It's been a long time, and we've moved back to NC, to be by family, since we are both needing some help due to physical illnesses. My disability has gotten significantly worse, and I can't do but a fraction of what I used to do.( That's mentally frustrating for me) I love staying busy, and can't now, so need to do something else.
We built a small house, and moved in a few months ago. I love it, but the company still hasn't finished several things yet. Now, it's the yard, cosmetic things driveway, etc....
I was hoping for a more peaceful time, but that hasn't happened yet. Exhausted. But, hey, I am again so happy you're doing well, and have your new life and friendships.
Dede
Back To Comment
Can't tell you all how much I appreciate every single comment. I'm much better at the moment (emphasis on "moment" because Life in general can be like that regardless).
Sometimes venting is the best thing. It sure helps a helluva lot. And venting (aka: sharing) amongst similarly situated people helps even more. In a word: it provides "safety".
As far as leaving, that's not going to happen. Married for 47 years and despite the intermittent, anxiety-ridden, waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop nature of our marriage, I love him dearly. The only thing that gets me passed those times when I feel my head is about to explode and all I want to do is run away or go hide in a closet just to stop the confusion, is the knowledge that we do share so many things in common that we love and can enjoy together. Of course, even those calm times can and have been interrupted by sudden disconnection.
I've tried to adopt the attitude of accepting that his thought process is almost the opposite of mine. His (IMO) convoluted approach to things is just his 'way' and he's not doing it to hurt me. Even though it does at times. Does it drive me crazy? Yes. Do I have the patience of a saint? Uh, no. But recognizing I've never been the most patient person in the world, I realize I have work to do, too.
It's just that for decades now, long before we discovered his ADHD tendencies, (I say 'tendencies' because he's never been actually diagnosed) long before that I struggled dealing with his inability to help himself and in turn help us as a couple. He'd always promise to follow up and read and investigate and ...do whatever he could to help us. But that would fizzle out as soon as he saw what he thought was calmness/happiness/peace in me. A pseudo calm/happiness & peace I achieved through whatever means I could to help myself and maintain our relationship. It was almost always up to me. It became quite exhausting & in many ways still is.
We tried couples couseling a bit but regrettably back then there was little awareness of ADHD, Inattentive ADHD or anything similar. Besides the counselor was of the John Gray "Men Are From Mars....." school of psychology. Bleech! Gray's philosophy is/was to let the man recuse himself into his 'cave' to think through things that you've presented. In his own time he will allegedly 'emerge' w/his thoughts.
And what am I supposed to do waiting outside the cave for him to emerge w/his little epiphany. Suck it up, I suppose. Needles to say that therapy didn't last long because I was deemed "difficult". Yuck.
Eventually I was the one w/the breakdown. I was the one w/counseling & therapy. I was the one on anti-depresents. Until I finally realized I am the only one to save myself. A dear therpist once told me after I 'graduated' from a behavioral center: "Don't let his behavior determine yours". It's become my mantra. In addition to perfecting the art of Distraction. It's said if you can think of or better yet actually do something completely different - anything - at the moment you feel you're about to lose it...in just those few distracting seconds, you can save yourself. Believe me it works!
I've also begun to 'walk away'. When I realize I'm allowing myself to be pulled into whatever explanation or reasoning he's weaving that obviously make perfect sense to him, I DO realize he too is trying to make sense of it all from his end and that he's not communicating it so I can understand. But when the web becomes so tangled, and I'm still trying to untangle it, I have to force myself to stop and unless it's an emergency, just let it go. I've found lately that he's sensing my withdrawal from the tangled web he's presenting me and it truly upsets him. He has begun even asking me how he could've explained [whatever] better. Progress? If it continues that way then...maybe.
Anyway, I am here today. And for now I am calm. We are plannng another hiking trip and for that I am grateful. Grateful that we will (hopefully) have yet another chance to connect, and that we are both healthy enough to do so. Afterall, at our ages every day is a gift, and neither of us can afford to squander it. I just want to savor the moments and not have them wasted on bad moments. Because good/bad or otherwise, those moments won't come again.
Thank you all again. I'm so very glad you are all there for me (and for others) when there is a need. Or just there. Period.
Wow. I could have written this.
I am so blown away by this post, I'm still trying to pick my jaw bone up off the floor. Every sentence you wrote is what I lived, live and could have shared, but you did first. Wow. Indeed. We have been married 43 years now, and hubby just retired. We didn't know about Adhd until after 20 some years of marriage, and the diagnosis was a saving grace.
I have a physical disability that now has me unable to do as much as I used to do. I can only do a fraction of the work I did daily. That too, hurts me terribly. And the mess that I could help manage, is now not there, and the mess takes over everything. I can't live peacefully or feel physical rest in a bunch of clutter and mess. It just IS. He never appreciated how much work I did until now. He SEES it now, but not enough to stop MAKING messes everywhere he's at. I still don't understand how many Adhd'ers can change SOME things, but not others, especially when it's vital to the person they're married to. I've read endless Adhd books, gone to meetings, tried many of the suggestions and let go of many things so as to try to have a semblance of peace. Some things have worked, but I wasn't being rejuvenated or my life being poured into, so that I could rest for a while and stop waiting for the next shoe to fall. (Which ALWAYS does) each month there's a new shoe, or boot. I think THAT'S the thing that has broken me the most....where every few weeks, there some new mistake or crisis that costs us money, time, energy and whatever. THIS part of it has never ended. "Letting it go", becomes a regular thing which doesn't ever stop. Somewhere the mistakes, and endless crisis moments need to stop for everyone's peace of mind.
Sorry, just venting today. It's a different life with this, and often lonely. They never quite "connect" with us, or there personally WITH us. It's a hard life, and takes a lot out of everyone.
Anyway, thanks for the post,
Dede