I fear this post may be interpreted as selfish. As a non-ADHD partner, I feel there are others who can (albeit possibly reluctantly) admit to sharing my feelings.
Sometimes I think we are ashamed and feel guilty to admit how angry and impatient we can become as a result of trying to navigate the minds of our ADHD partners and how they impact/affect us individually and as a couple.
We are seniors and with that comes the inherent difficulties in elder relationships (47 years). Good news/bad news: Only within the past 5 years have we discovered & acknowledged his ADHD. Good news: it explained a trememdous amount of our decades of sporatic disconnection. Bad news: at a time in our lives when we need each other even more and our stress levels are elevated naturally, I am in no condition to (mentally or physically) deal with what I know is something he has great difficulty in controlling.
Making matters worse, I am an instant responder, more verbose, more logical and unfortunately, less patient to begin with. The later is something I've been truly working on. I am better. I tend to the anxiety side, which I've come to realize over the years, has been exacerbated by his ADHD. I try to be patient. But I also continue to wait for the next shoe to drop. It's become a viscous cycle of anxiety & momentary calm. The anxiety is killing me.
I've found the only way to protect myself from my husband's ADHD manifestations is to literally walk away from a situation, from his inability to respond, from the interminible wait for a response or his near constant change stories/information either in midstream or moments later. At times it even feels like gaslighting when he insists he "didn't say that". The changing of stories/words/instructions aspect - especially - has been the cause of actual near accidents for the both of us while travelling or hiking, which we both love doing. When I am out in nature, on a trail, I don't need uncertainty or fear initiated by my partner.
The only positive result of that is it's forced me to advocate. But when I do 'take charge' of my own autonomy, there is an overwhelming sense from him of abandonment, failure and letting me down. All of which I understand. So, I acquiese to him more than I should because I can't bear seeing him hurt or sad or like a failure. A stain which his parents created for him to wear throughout most of his life.
But in that acquesence I realize I'm putting my own self and both of us in possible jeopardy because, damn it...I know better in that particular situation. And that creates anger in me. Both at him and myself for not doing what I know should really have been done to protect us.
He truly cannot in many cases see the forest for the trees. His focus is scattershot, while mine is more pinpoint. I've often thought he would drown on a ship if I didn't direct him towards the lifeboats. Having said that it may be construed I consider myself some sort of know it all. I am most definitely not. What I am, I suppose, is a Caretaker. And I hate that.
Please forgive this long diatribe. As I write this it seems to amount to nothing more than selfish word vomit. I'm not seeking answers. I don't think there are any. I just didn't know anywhere else to share this because I know only people here would understand. Thank you. Linda
Comments
Sympathy
I relate to absolutely everything you wrote. For me, reading it is validating and adds nuance, so please don’t feel selfish.
It’s strange to know in hindsight a disability in somebody else has transformed one into a caretaker. My friends who go way back tell me it’s out of character. So my entire adult life is out of character. And the unhappiness, the desperate attempts to secure things that mattered, the social isolation, that was all just side effects of somebody else’s difficulties.
I haven’t lived my life, I’ve lived in whatever way was possible in the severe ADD context.
Guess one needs to grieve that at some point. Perhaps down the road I’ll feel I’m again living my own life. It’s been a while.
How do you cope? Do you have ways to get your needs met outside the relationship?
I hear you Linda
43 year marriage here and I relate completely. I wanted to respond so that you know you are being heard. I have been on and off the forum and check in once in a while and saw your post. I will respond again when I have time to formulate a concise reply. I started to respond and it went into a rambling post.
Nothing selfish at all....
Step outside yourself (fly on the wall) and watch the hundred's of Thousands (probably many many more) of couples who have attempted life together where the mind of one worked so differently than their spouse...It's called adaptation...There is no way to throw us in a basket w/ the neurotypical couples...Where most all things work (or have a chance to) safely, orderly and agreeably...
You can have a great handle on the challenges (as you do)...But it's never selfish to live your life in a safe and conscientious manner...At some point, the ADD spouse must recognize and accept the huge difference's also...
Some people's mind types aren't communication friendly, in marriage settings especially...
c
I thank you for your
I thank you for your responses. Sometimes, when we express our fears & feelings we aren’t necessarily seeking answers or fixes. We are simply grateful for acknowledgment and you’ve provided that for me. All too often, our male counterparts in a relationship (ADHD or not) don’t seem to understand this because many obsess with fixing things in lieu of simply providing the aforementioned acknowledgment.
Unfortunately, non-ADHD spouses can become more reluctant to share our feelings & fears with our spouses because often their initial reaction to our sharing is confusion and (as I call it) that “deer in the headlights” look/sense from them. When we’re in mental pain, the last thing we want is to know we’re responsible for causing pain in someone else. Sadly, this can lead us to shut down and hide our feelings/fears leading to disconnection, lack of trust and sharing…of any kind.
Our mutual love of outdoor activities is something which while bringing us great connection & joy also, ironically, provides me an opportunity to escape inside myself & my thoughts to an inner solitude & peace.
Again, I thank you for your commiseration and identification. But, as I wrote, just your acknowledgement of my feelings is greatly appreciated. LINDA
At some point…
I instantly grabbed on to your words “at some point the ADD spouse must recognize and accept the huge differences”.
Is this possible? If so, how does one get their ADHD partner to this point? I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to “just empathize” when I feel it’s all I do and that I would like a little in return. Is it possible for an ADHD partner to do that?
Just empathize....
Yes, we can get them there, but, no we cannot make them accept the effects of their reality on others...Especially a spouse...
I could write a lot about how friends, co-workers and even children get to experience a different person than the spouse...But I want...
Most of us aren't willing to hand over a list of things that they need to work on...Most of us aren't willing to place demands on them...I did, but, all it lead to was my divorce...Which I knew to begin with, and is the reason, I was so long suffering in the relationship...
The saddest part about what I and many here suffer when dealing w/our spouses isn't even ADD/ADHD at all....It's selfishness, victimhood, denial, and blame as it relates to them getting through life at the expense of others...Most of us don't want the product we know handing over our list of demands will bring...But, one day, (in some of our cases) we find out it's our only path away from abuse and persecution....
Blessings
c