I was browsing a board for people with ADHD and came across a post where an ADHD mother was describing an interaction with her 6-year-old son. She described herself as a busy working single mom. There'd been a lot going on and she decided to have "a chill day." Neither of them got dressed, she spent the day scrolling her phone and reading and he apparently played with his toys by himself.
At the end of the day, he said "I hope you're not lazy tomorrow." She was shocked by this. She launched into an explanation about executive dysfunction, why it's not laziness, why calling people lazy is harmful. Then she went online to post about it.
Something really stuck out to me: at no point did she — or anyone else replying to that thread, not a single person — express any curiosity whatsoever about what her very young son was feeling. There must be a reason he said that he hoped things would be different tomorrow, right?
It struck me that he was learning the same thing a lot of us have learned: what we want doesn't matter. When we're unhappy with the way the ADHD person in our lives is showing up for us, it's because there is something wrong with us, our beliefs and our expectations, and that needs to be corrected. What we wanted or why the current state of things is making us unhappy is so irrelevant and unimportant that it isn't even worth acknowledging.
And the thing is, this ADHD mom didn't seem uncaring. She didn't yell at her son. She obviously wanted to have the conversation in a loving way. It's just that she didn't even notice that what he was doing was trying to express an unmet need, not shaming her.
It's a small thing. I don't want to be overly critical. But it's easy to imagine how a young child is repeatedly reoriented from their own feelings about a parent's choices to the parent's feelings, and a sense of responsibility for managing them.
The more I delve into understanding ADHD and the dynamics of my own marriage, the more I feel that at the core of this is a fundamental failure of empathy, and the more I realize that making sure my kids value their feelings is something I must prioritize.
Comments
this.
Absolutely brilliant observation. Thank you for this.
It perfectly encapsulates how I have been feeling.
Also: poor child.
OMG it's not him, it's ADHD!!
I recently posted on a women's relationship page about how I seem to be overly focused on my husband's behaviors that deeply impact how I look at him - to the point of disgust and contempt. Behaviors like excessive video gaming, excessive drinking and eating (gluttony), porn addiction & masturbation, limitless spending, no desire for physical well-being, poor time management and focus, etc. . . I know I should focus on my own page, and I do plenty and am very aware, but these behaviors have existed our whole marriage and have really impacted how I feel about him. Our kids are now 15, 13, and 9. When I try to communicate my grievances with him, he is defensive and claims "Are you shaming me?", but I'm not, I'm truly trying to understand. If I tell him that, he says I didn't use the right words or that I didn't use the right tone. Once he throws the shame card and turns it around, I wall up and shut down, he protests and the bad behaviors continue. Ugly cycle.
Someone in the group suggested he may have ADHD and RSD. Before we were married he vaguely mentioned he was diagnosed with ADHD and took meds but chose not to treat it after college since he didn't have to 'cram' for tests anymore. I didn't think anything of it until this person mentioned it. Down the rabbit hole I went!! His untreated ADHD and my inability to know how to interpret his behaviors has absolutely destroyed our marriage, in addition to my own fear of intimacy, avoidant tendencies, codependency, masculine energy, etc. The problem is, I believe all of my weaknesses were exacerbated/triggered by his untreated ADHD behaviors/coping mechanisms.
All of the patterns in the book ADHD Effect in Marriage is US! The parent-child dynamic took over once our own kids were born. The shame that follows him around constantly, the childlike protest behavior of the 'parent' dynamic, My seemingly constant criticism of him for years, his never ending feeling of overwhelm and poor time management, his inability to just step in and do what's needed without being asked. For years I took care of everything while he hid away in these excessive indulgent behaviors. He hated me for my anger and disgust towards him. I resented and disrespected him. After 16 years of hiding what life was like at home and over-functioning while he under-functioned, I found myself in an affair with the first man that seemingly validated me in the ways I always wanted my husband to. He said 'all the right things' to make me feel like I was 'awesome' and my husband just didn't get it. Once my affair was discovered it all came pouring out - he had also stepped outside the marriage as well, several times, and hid it our entire marriage. It disgusts me now, what I did and what he did. The truths coming out decimated what we knew was already a rough foundation.
We are almost 3 years in post affair and have been on a relentless, painful, traumatic, expensive, tireless journey as to what went wrong and how it got so bad. This untreated ADHD revelation puts an entirely different perspective on my entire marriage and gives me hope. If I had known what it was and it's impact, if he had taken it seriously and managed it, I wouldn't have taken his behavior personally, I could have helped instead of parented, I could have supported instead of criticized, I could have had compassion instead of resent or disgust, I could have been more clear and gentle about asking for help, I could have researched instead of feeling sorry for myself, I could have done less and structured more.
But now here we are and he's ready to file for divorce. He believes his coping mechanisms (alcohol, food, porn, spending, video games) help him manage ADHD just fine and he's ok being alone. And it's likely he would be fine on his own...no accountability, no behavioral challenges, no commitments, no collaboration, no structure. Sounds great, right? Mind you he's successful and does great - at work.
I shared an article about ADHD in Marriage and I'm hoping he'll read it and consider getting re-evaluated as an adult. I believe if we both were aware, collaborative and managed this together, we could grieve the relationship neither of us ever got to have and we could build something new. We'll see. If not, I guess it's been a rough road with a lot of lessons learned.
Don't blame it all on ADHD
He has chosen maladaptive behaviors to cope. It's easier to drown out the feelings instead of dealing w them. Many of his actions are detrimental to a loving relationship especially cheating and porn. What is he teaching your children? You are teaching them that this lifestyle is acceptable. What are you holding on to? What would you tell your beloved sister if this were her life? Consider therapy for yourself to figure out why you accept this life. You didn't cause this and you cannot fix it. No one can change another person.