Two concepts/problems in one here:
Is it an indigenous trait of ADHDs to take the circuitous route to address a fairly straightforward task? Why does it seem they will make things more difficult or complicated not only for themselves but for their partner by creating unnecessary or irrelevant 'steps'? Even when shown a simpler, more direct and ultimately less confusing path, they not only balk but actually become defensive or accusatory that we are expecting too much of them. When, in fact and IMO & what we non-ADHDs are trying to share is an easier les convoluted approach to a problem.
Everything lately between my ADHD husbad and I has become an adversarial battleground of logic:
- I say/share/suggest;
- He interprets and invents almost paranoid inferences & becomes defensive;
- I try to clarify
- He parrots exactly what he previously said initially. No further input or clarification
- I recount the entire conversation (wish I carried a voice activated recorder)
- He changes story and says he was thinking that (which I initially suggested) all along.
- Me: "Why didn't you just say that in the first place. Just tell me?"
- He: "I don't know"
- I: "You promised you'd be clearer and tell me what you were thinking at the time"
-
He: "I'm working on that".
He's been "working on that" for several years. Along w/the ambiguous/obligatory promises, which now are meaningless to me.
How long does one wait for the work not ony to be finished, but to at least see some evidence that the working is in progress at least?
Rambling again. Bad weekend. Bad week. Bad night. Same O. Same O. Getting very tired. Physically & emotionally. Hanging on by very thin thread these days. Too old & too many years invested in the marriage to leave. And not yet ready to die.
Comments
Some answers
I hear ya and living the same. The first thing to say is that you are DEFINITELY not too old to make changes for yourself. I don't even know your age - I don't have to. Because I already know that if you arent dead, then you're not too old to do something about it for yourself.
I've been living in the same frustration (although I've graduated to calling it a personal hell) as you for 5 years. And yes, it is a trait of adhd and one of things I've found is that I've learned to let them have their convoluted ways but (and this is the hardest part) I do not step in under any circumstances to make it easier or the "right way" or anything. I let my spouse sit in their own dog doo doing. And whatever consequences happen....happens. its so effing hard too.
I'm not sure if my suggestion is a healthy way for this to happen or what but when the adhd partner has their head so fsr buried in the sand of their own doing.... its not up to us to do the work, it's theirs.
sunk cost fallacy
You’re not too old to leave. You haven’t invested too many years. If you want to stay, stay; but don’t stay because of what you’ve already spent on this. That’s like pouring water into bucket full of holes rather than, well, stopping and finding something else to fill up with your energies. But being with an ADHDer can lead to an overwhelming sense of misery and inertia, because you’ve had to carry so much for so long and you feel you can’t carry a single other thing, and you are worn down by the bad temper the assumption that you always have the worst intentions. Let me reassure you that that inertia dissipates if you split. You find you have energy for yourself again. You realise you are actually an okay person. It gets better.
It won't change
Been in this life over 40 years. What I will say is if you can get out now, do it. It gets worse.
I stopped arguing and just let him be wrong. Yesterday we met at our community pool bc I had a few stops to make beforehand. We each drove our own cars. I noticed that he had his car fob attached to his swimsuit tie. I said nothing. He went into the pool with the fob. He has to deal with the fallout. While it would have been beneficial to him if I spoke up, I have been humiliated w an RSD meltdown in public in the past when I pointed out a potentially perilous situation. Now, if the situation does not directly effect me, I let him deal with the consequences of his poorly thought out actions. Many new tasks or ideas are fraught with potential snags that he clearly did not think through. Rather than saying anything and being accused of shooting down his ideas because "he is always wrong", I let him figure it out. The downside is when he gets to a roadblock, he just gives up rather than figuring a way around it. I still keep silent bc offering unsolicited advice makes me a big "know it all" which is his way of blaming me even though the idea could save time and money. If, however, a neighbor suggested the exact same solution, he would be in his car (after getting a new fob, lol) and be off to Home Depot.
If we are someplace new, he will start driving even though he has no idea how to get to our destination or which way to turn out of the parking lot. His rational for unnecessary circuitous routes are a cover up for being unprepared. If I whip out my phone and offer help he sometimes is gracious and sometimes a raving lunatic. Which one will he be today?? So I don't get involved. He doesn't like GPS, I guess because it tells him what to do. When he finally realizes he is lost, he will turn it on and will attempt to input info flying down the highway at 80 mph.
One can wait a lifetime
One can wait a lifetime for the things they’re ’working on’.
After divorce, I’m deeply unhappy 18 months in, however, I no longer have to pursue him to get answers, I don’t have to remind, take over the wheel, or be trapped in waiting.
After divorce, it became apparent the delays are forever. It’s only possible to stop waiting once you are no longer dependent on them for your daily life.
Liking the process or it's a condition
I was once told by a stranger that my child likes the process. As a problem-solver, it hit me that my child doesn't care about the end result. I ended up coming to terms with myself: I'll just sit on the side as I watch him make his own decisions since he's a person (different from me).
If "the process" & not "end result" is a symptom of adhd, I'm sorry. It's a lifetime.