Forum topic: Trouble understanding...

You didn't know. What people think ADHD is vs. how much it actually it can infiltrate almost every facet of a couple's life are two different things. 

With a greater understanding of how ADHD has impacted your relationship, hopefully there are things HE can do to optimize treatment as well as things YOU can do to support him more effectively. (This doesn't mean you should have to accept or support what's unacceptable just because he has ADHD.)

I'm so sorry you're separated. You obviously can't make your husband reconcile, but you can show with your actions how much more you understand now and how you would be willing to do things differently on your end and see if that has any impact. Maybe he'd be willing to do Melissa's couples program with you?

Wishing you the best. Be kind to yourself. If his symptoms/behaviours were hurting you in many ways, you were reacting naturally to that. You both have so much more knowledge now that you could use to improve things on both sides if you get the chance.

Reading your story and wanted to tell you a single truth: this is not your fault and this is not all on you. Its only half on you and the good news is that your half is in your control. That's all you can take on, nothing more. Your post reads as very harsh on yourself and you don't have to be that way. Loads of us have been where you are and it feels like it's totally on us, but it isn't. Promise. 

Above are good thoughts I think. We can flagellate ourselves for not being who we wanted to be. But how is a person supposed to manage these life-wrecking ADHD symptoms in their partner, without their integrity being affected?

I believe one of the worst aspects of ADHD marriage for me is how it’s deformed me. No, I wasn’t supportive enough, or forgiving enough. Yes, I was chronically angry and disappointed. Yes, I complained about my husband relentlessly to a few selected close ones, and so wasn’t as discreet or loyal as I’d liked. Also, I didn’t ask for divorce much earlier, which could have been better for everyone’s health.

But I believe we need to nurse these tender hearts of ours, that have sustained so much pain and confusion. We need to forgive ourselves and try to repair our integrity. 

I feel like shit a lot of the time. But I don’t think I deserve it. ADHD was unknown to us, as was the dynamic and all that came with it. 

For my own understanding, and to lay this out by isolating the root cause of behaviors. You definely have a theme going here. Guilt is what  you're feeling right now.

I have a little bit different driver ...at the core of my own behavior. Intolerance or sensitivity to ( blank  ) to protect myself from ( blank ) is the cause and effect chain.

What I experienced with my ex SO...was also different than mine. I do believe intolerance to shame ( the discomfort from feeling shame ) is the last link in the chain. The feeling...and avoiding it at all costs. 

So there's guilt: I did sonething bad

And Shame: I am bad. 

Are definitely different feelings and intolerance ( or sensitivity ) brings this full circle. 

In its essence then the cause and effect chain begins with shame for her.

For me, I have a lower sensitively to shame than she does.  This creates and different dynamic at the behavioral end. The goal is to reduce the discomfort of these painful emotions 

For her, the cause and effect chain goes something like this ( I'm pretty sure ):

Shame ( I am bad ) -> shame spike ( flooding ) -> guilt ( I did a bad thing ) -> immediately overwritten by shame ) -> bypassed to -> defense as in:  protection of self  image ( or identity ) -> concealment or hiding  ->  to avoid being exposed  ( exposure ) -> temporary relief from the intolerant feelings associated with  "I am bad."..and being exposed. 

As a pattern that leads to these externalized  behaviors that are hurtful to others. That forms 1/2 of the dynamic.

Then there's me, the other 1/2.

My shame is different. "I am ashamed of myself " is not "I am bad ". I'm ashamed of myself when I don't adhere to my own values. When I act in way, that's unacceptable or intolerable...to me. Big difference. When that happens it goes something like this.

I'm ashamed of myself -> I feel guilty for acting inappropriately ( this feeling is intolerable ) to -> repair ->admission ( confession),  apologizing and asking forgiveness ( quickly to stop the bad feeling ) -> to relief. 

At the end of the chain.

But I l'm very sensitive or intolerant to feeling unstable and disoriented, feeling bad because my world stops making sense and becomes becomes incongruent ( ambivalent ) That's also ( for me ) a bad feeling.  So making sense, defeats ambivalence.. or inconguent feelings.

So for me...not shame, not guilt, not exposure....leads straight to ...protection against ambivalent feelings..the "bad feeling" that gets in the way. My behavior then becom e a mission to give myself relief for an entirely different reason.

The the dynanic goes something like this: She gets triggered...by my need to repair. ( quickly ) as in immediately start admitting wrong doing, formally apologizing-> asking forgiveness -> and... it doesn't happen? No relief is offered ...no repair is achieved. So the bad feeling continues,  until this is resolved. 

Her on the other hand ...is fighting against exposure.  Fighting against repair,  protecting her self image in protection from feeling guilt. Which ultimately leads to defense  against... the "I am bad" feelings of shame.

I'm ashamed of myself vs I am bad at the core level.

Both of us wanted relief from bad feelings that are painful. But we were working from entirely different strategies to get there. These aren't just opposites , the dynamics themselves they  are diametrically opposed. What made me feel better...only made her feel worse. And vise versa.

Shame vs ambiguity and ambivilence. Being;   vague, concealing , hiding , and being  non- specific ...are my triggers. Clarity, understanding and the cure to my "I've got a bad feeling about this "...feelings of incongruencies and lack of alignment.

There's no right or wrong here. Just two incompatible systems colliding,  making both of us unhappy and feeling miserable. 

And neither one of us are to blame. 

Bottom line.

J