Following my split with his dad, my elder child has been keen to talk to me about his struggles over years. The boy’s mental health has often been wobbly, needing a lot of support (from me; dad was never available) and counselling. He’s telling me now that a lot of that stemmed from confusion and low self esteem caused by his father, and a lack of a functional male role model. He was realises he was messed up by the dissonance between what is dad said to him and how his dad behaved towards him. One moment Dad’s telling him he’s great, the next, he’d be blaming him, ignoring, dismissing him. The mixed messages were difficult to process - ‘you’re great, but actually you don’t matter and what you say has no impact on me, I won’t notice it and if I do I’ll sigh or huff and waft it away as irrelevant, and I am one of the people who supposedly loves you best’. This messed with my son’s head so much, leading to feelings of worthlessness and uselessness. And not having a man to model a positive masculinity to him… how was he to learn how to be practical except from his mum? which he has, but as the kid says, his dad was no kind of practical man- not the kickabout and car-fixing type masculine type, nor the cooking dinner and nurturing kind. He just opted out of all of that, leaving the lad to look to me. Which he could, but I’m not a male role model; I can’t be.
The boy says he’s happier now we’ve separated and he and I are talking about these things. He’s achieving clarity.
Comments
Compensating for dysfunction in other parent
I’m sorry your son has experienced these things from his father.
It’s very relatable, your distress at not being able to act as male role model. It’s stressful to feel a constant lack of that functional father, and perhaps also extended family or network, and be afraid there will never be enough of anything. My father died young, there are no male role models around for my son either.
Still, I think we as non-ADHD parents need to refuse responsibility for the ADHD parenting. It’s an impossible burden, and unfair.
Honestly. I’m so glad your decision to leave has already helped your child. I’m sure that your son will grow strong, with his new insights to guide him. He has you. You may not be a male role model, but you show your children true resilience.
thank you Swedish
That’s really moved me. I honestly don’t feel resilient at all; I feel about as resilient as a blancmange. The ex was here for a few days to be with the kids and I cleared off; I came home to a house in absolute chaos. Laundry draped over the furniture and damp in a basket on the table, no food in the house, dishes stacked by the dishwasher; no cleaning done at all. All this on Monday morning as my working week starts. I shouldn’t have, but I texted to tell him that this was unfair and to please at least just not do laundry anymore if that was going to happen. And he messaged back with bs half lie excuses (he’d had to leave early so couldn’t tidy up- but I know this was days’ worth of mess he’d let build up that could have been dealt with the night before). I called him out on his bs and it turned into a pity party - how I never appreciate what he does do, never thank him when he does chores (this is not historically true; I used to but I don’t anymore because I’m sick of praising a grown man for taking responsibility for about 10% of what needs done, and doing it badly, and expecting me to applaud). Anyway the text exchange ends with ME feeling bad about having been unkind to him, and him (I have no doubt) confirmed in his understanding of me as a controlling b**** (who weirdly he nonetheless still wants to be with). So thank you for your positive message because right now I’m having one of those ‘I am what he says I am - a horrible person’ times and it batters me. Even though we’ve split, he keeps dishing out the misery.
I’m so sorry to hear about
I’m so sorry to hear about your father; I should have paused to mention that first. That’s a terrible terrible loss, and one that compounds the inadequacy of your partner’s contribution to your family. My dad - who is in many ways a difficult man - would help with things around the house, and do stuff with my kids that my ex was ‘too busy’ for. Although it was not always an easy dynamic, I’m glad of that; it helped. I’m sad that you didn’t have it.
Thank you for your kindness
I’m glad your father has pitched in!
Reading your post above this last one, I simply reflect you shouldn’t in future have to let your ex into your home. Didn’t you mention you take turns in the family home for the time being? Of course there are often several things to take into account ( like finances) but still I think it’s vital you get out of an arrangement where he can stop by and ruin your week, dumping hours of extra housework on you and adding bs on top.
Feeling like blancmange but still pursuing a better future for one’s children is what defines a hero in my book.
You are right
about him being in the house. But for a bunch of reasons- most particularly the kids’ acceptance of the split (I have a younger daughter too) which has gone very well considering - I’m going to try and suck this up for the time being. I only have to tolerate it one more year while daughter is still at home. I don’t want to jeopardise what is an effective status quo for everyone (apart from me!)
In the meantime I think I’ll try and encourage them to hang out more at his place - it’s a long way though so it can’t be every weekend.
What really irks me is how, whatever happens, I end up being painted as the unreasonable one.