Hey everyone, looking for some support/help/relatiability.....
We've unfortunately gone through a tragedy with saying goodbye to an immediate family member dying suddenly. While he was older, he got sick quickly and just went so quickly, it's been a whirlwind of 10 days. In the time our family member got sick, he passed away less than a week later and then we had the funeral and services that are relevant for the country I live in super fast - which is normal by the culture here.
The person who passed away was a MASSIVE support to me in my struggles with my husband who was diagnosed 3 years ago and the last 2 years have been hell, to be perfectly honest. If I'm brutally honest with myself - that quiet voice in my heart knows what's up: that this marks the beginning of the end for me and my spouse and THAT really scares me. I don't want it to be the end, but my husband is STUCK. Very, very very stuck. And we are both dealing with grief VERY differently. Which is OK! Two things can be true though... we can both be grieving and s**t/life still needs to happen. I'm not talking about things or balls that can be dropped for the time being, I'm talking about the bare-bones of day to day mundane life that NEED to happen, e.g. food/eating, getting back on track for sleep, going back to school, waking up each day and looking after ourselves...that kind of thing.
I also lost someone very close to me no less than a month ago (early October) so this is a massive double whammy and I feel so alone about it all. I think I'll need to find a new theapist sooner rather than later but I have come to understand that I can not rely, expect, hope, wish, listen or believe anything that comes from my spouse's mouth OR get any type of support that I need. It's just not going to happen. And with that - I don't know really what to do about it becaue it just makes me so much more sad on top of the grief that I'm also feeling.
And before anyone suggests... leaving just isnt' an option for me at this time. It's way too scary and it's not the right choice and frankly, there is literally NO WHERE to go for me so it's off the cards.
Anyone else dealing or have dealt with some massive grief on top of their dx partner? We are also about to find out if our 12 year old son is autistic and it's just more things on my shoulders wtih my body/heart screaming 'enough!!!'.
Comments
How awful
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Dealing w/ grief while still managing life...
So sorry about the grief of losing a family member and close friend...Grief is hard, and the finality of death can be overwhelming to us also...(Even though we know we will all leave this life by death, (barring Jesus returns) we are usually never ready to face it...
This statement of yours below is a vital reality we must accept, and live our lives by, when we find the reality of our spouse's life, more times than not, mirroring your statement...
(I have come to understand that I can not rely, expect, hope, wish, listen or believe anything that comes from my spouse's mouth OR get any type of support that I need.)
So many times in my posts on this site, I made the statement, that I had to live like she didn't exist in many facets of life...And nothing was more true...Acceptance of how she was going to live (if alive) and placing boundaries on myself, allowed me to work around her the best I could for 18 years...
When we set aside wishing, hoping, and expectations, lived out truth is what we have left....
If they want to they will, people do what is important to them...
We can in a positive and loving fashion share our love, energy and effort to our spouses and in life...But we can never create this same responsibility or care in another human being...
My only suggestion is to get your eyes and attention off of him, between your own life, and your son, you have a heavy load of responsibilities...Let him be a man...My ex., whom I carried in life is making it just fine w/o me...They always do!! (read the stories)...The blinding effects of co-dependency and mothering is highly destructive to every aspect of our health....Especially mental and emotional...
Bless you off the roller coaster! Prayers
c
Off the Roller
I'm still in the process of grieving "loss" in multiple areas of my internal world. The end of my relationship with my SO is just part.
As I've had plenty of time for self reflection and reconstructing the structure of our relationship, there were some realizations I had to come to that made sense to everything else. This is a healing experience to understand the entire story...from start to finish...plugging in all the new information you know, that really helped me understand.....it wasn't my fault, I did my best, and I did discover a lot of things about myself in the process.
One of those revelations was a hard one to face. The relationship itself existed in chronological time...with a beginning and an end. But my experience was very different from my SO's...because our feelings at the time were so different. I didn't know thos at the time, which is why it was so confusing.
This is also why grieving is so hard. Because you'r never really ready for a loss so substantial, the time clock doesn't start until you feel the loss. And because that happens for different reasons for each person....one person may already be gone, while the other one still thinks they're in a relationship when suddenly, you find out, this wasn't true.
I'm still living with my SO but the relationship is over. There is no "we" as a couple, yet, I'm still living here just the same. The hardest realization for me at first, was understanding that the end if the relationship happened long before I realized. The other problem with that was....
My SO didn't know it either. She was here physically....but dead emotionally long before she ever said the words. That right there, is both true and difficult to reconcile.
How I know it now? She's more relaxed, she stopped criticizing and belittling, she stopped doing the things that were hurtful and seems quite comfortable with the arrangement. In fact, she made me a nice birthday dinner and gift. Invited her sister and brother in law over and has been outwardly friendlier and much kinder. She's actually being much better to live with....after we broke up than before.
Why? It has absolutely nothing to do with her feelings increasing, her feeling closer and feeling nostalgic. This is absolutely not the case in fact....the only reason she's being this way is the connection we had is gone and dead. Her fears are gone, and she's already moved her focus and attention to other people who are "safe" because they won't demand from her, things she doesn't have to give.
Ironically, I still feel lonely, and grieving but not really that much different except no longer confused. The story in my head is different now....now that I know.
My only problem was believing something that wasn't true. That part was not my fault or responsibility.....nor was this big gap in my understanding when the relationship truly ended. It definitely would have changed the timing, but the grieving would still be the same.
At least, that's how it worked for me....but the pattern would have told me long before if I'd been able to see it sooner. Not that I wasn't warned but I had to find out for myself ....which I did.
J
I’m really sorry you’re
I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much at once. Losing two close people so quickly is overwhelming, and it makes sense that everything feels heavier with your partner struggling too. Grief affects everyone differently, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong for needing support. You deserve space, care, and help—whether that’s from a therapist, trusted friend, or anyone who can hold some of this with you. You’re not weak for feeling “enough,” just human. Be gentle with yourself right now.
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