I'm the non in this (as least I think so) and we are in such a bad place, I can't even begin to figure out where to start to address it. I don't want to be in this type of marriage anymore, I don't want to model what we are modelling to our son...basically, I don't know what to do when I know I've had enough, my body/mind/soul/heart is screaming at me: 'ENOUGH" and yet... I feel stuck and not sure what to do (and acknowleding that this appears to be a prison of my own making).
And when I feel this turmoil inside, it's like it manifests itself in our environment and makes things so...much...worse!
At the moment, I feel like I hate him. Like truly hate him. I don't want to feel like that and I know this is not a good place to be. We have a son and I've just suggested to my spouse (after apologising for raising my voice) that we keep things top level and then when he returns from a trip in a week (we both need a break from each other and he's going to visit a family member) we explore going to a cousellor...and he said he didn't want to do that and committ to a date as he wanted to enjoy his trip. It's like he just expects me to sit around and just wait...and wait...and then he actually confirmed he wants me to just agree with him and I'm not doing it anymore.
I feel like I'm going crazy guys and right now, my blood is boiling at the sight of him and I just don't know how we got here. And I hate it. And I hate myself for feeling like this. I've done soooo much work on myself and I'm wondering if this is a good thing bc it means that the work I'm doing is working because I'm not just laying over anymore and taking it and do all the stuff and just saying 'yes' when i should have said 'no'... and so on and so on.
but after all is said and done.... I've had enough but yet I'm still here?!!?!? I just don't get it. What is even the next step???
Comments
What’s familiar
In the very familiar day to day life, there’s no apparent way out. A marriage doesn’t show any exit points. The terrain is closed. I’ve felt this too. All adjustments made to ADHD for decades may have numbed one’s spontaneous initiative too. Separating from the ADHD partner leaves a void, which perhaps can’t be anticipated fully beforehand. And leaving also makes a new demand on you. You can no longer blame ADHD for how your life develops. Choices are all yours (that is, when you’ve regained health and sanity enough to make choices, which in my case hasn’t really happened yet).
Getting out has no map. Even if divorce is common nowadays I believe there is societal resistance. Guilt, that we internalize at the thought of leaving our partner. It’s intended to be hard. Nobody is isolated in these big life choices, we’re influenced by society. Society knows very little about severe ADD and ignores how hard it is to marry neurodiversity.
So we’re on our own in this.
I took me so long because I thought I needed approval from relatives. After divorce, I cried when I realized none of my relatives understood the challenges in the marriage, and I should have acted more promptly on my own needs and my own logic. The relatives like my ex, he’s very pleasant to be around for people who don’t have to spend their life supporting him.
But I don’t know, at this point, if my friend who struggles on with her severely troubled ADHD partner of a lifetime, is worse off than me who miss my children half the time and am up to the chin in grief.
But practically, how to start - how about contacting a divorce lawyer? They will give you valuable advice if you decide to leave. Perhaps you could reach out to a friend or family who could put you up for a few weeks to get something started? I’d seek help from somebody, to discuss the matter and make it real. Perhaps you don’t want to get out, but you should explore the possibility, I think, since you sound like the thought is with you so often. If you draw up an exit plan, then you can see a way out in that familiar terrain. A weak spot to perhaps squeeze through later. And after that, perhaps it’s time to decide if you want to.
I so appreciate you on the forum.
Stay or go
I feel your pain because I stayed in this place for such a long time. Maybe you feel what I did... I stayed there because I simply had no good options. Staying was bad. Leaving was bad. Staying was killing me emotionally and physically while leaving seemed like it would be the hardest thing I would ever face (and I knew would be doing it with lowest resources and energy I'd ever had in my life).
I think I had to get to the place where I knew I had to leave. A switch flipped one day. That made it easier. That might happen for you at some point... like if he comes home and still brushes off counselling, for example. I do wish I had pulled the trigger earlier though, for his sake, mine and our daughter's.
I can tell you I felt like I hated my husband too, so you aren't alone. And I can also say that I was able to love and appreciate him again once we'd been divorced for a few years, so there's hope. I knew I couldn't be married to him, but I could appreciate the qualities I fell in love with again because I no longer relied on him as a partner. I know that's not true for everyone, but I'm glad it was for me.
I'm so sorry you're suffering and I hope you find a way out soon. If you're not already, doing counselling alone may help you make a decision.