It's been a while since I've posted here as I've been trying to take a step back to let some of the hard work I've been doing come to the forefront.
But I've realised over the last few weeks that I'm worried about myself and how numb I've become to the exhaustion of my marriage. I'm feeling trapped and helpless but my brain is reminding me that I am NOT trapped and helpless and then (I think) my body is staying in freeze/fawn mode - even though I don't want to be.
I also have been trying to understand and show my compassion because its very clear to me that we (as well as myself individually) are in a constant state of survival and not thriving. And it keeps me in a tailspin.
I've recently gotten some great news in a permanent job, as well as comfirmed some upcoming trips and travel (my favouite thing)... but at the exact same time we've gotten some devastating family news. However I'm in a we-got-this mode while my spouse can't even string together a sentence most days, let alone finish any task that he has said outloud or anything of the nature. I'm not even exaggerating, it just is what it is.
Being on these two extremely different plains has made me realise how different we are and I've just let him be...him. and I can't say that I care anymore but I do care about me and that I'm not happy. I don't want to be in a marriage like this and I hate that this is what we model for our son.
But with all that, I've done nothing to push for couselling or him seeing an adhd coach or talking about our marriage. None of it. I jist don't know what reaction I'll get for most things and deep down, whatever my opinion, wants, needs or desires are.... they don't matter anyways. So what's the point of bringing them up?
(What a crappy state of affairs, right? I'm sad for myself and pity my husband)
It's this feeling of numbness and survival that I'm exhasted by and would like to break out of but not sure how. I have been in individual therapy, and continue to check in with my therapist but there's a can of worms there that I'd like to open up for myself but know that I won't get space for healing - bc that's what has been happening in my marriage. There's no space for me or for us. Just my spouse and his huge emotions and his depression and his adhd and his anxiety.
And we have gotten our son assessed for autism and I was extremely honest with the psychologist (privately of course) about the last 5 years and if he's formally diagnosed I think this will be what breaks me - I cant do a nurospicy household with no buy in from a partner.
But I don't want to keep waiting for life to kick me enough that I do something bc I keep have to pick myself up first, care for myself ansnthen take steps forward.
Anyone know the feeling and the numbness and how to break out of it???
Comments
Fawning
Isn’t that an excellent description you just made? Fawning as a way of surviving?
But your emotions do matter, as do your needs and preferences.
I’m so sorry, Off the Roller. Have been thinking about you. ❤️
a switch gets flipped
a switch gets flipped, I think. It happened to me, it's happened to friends and family too - not just in ADHD impacted relationships but any dysfunctional marriage. You can go so far, giving and accommodating and twisting yourself into weird shapes for your partner, not prioritising your own needs or happiness because there's no time and space for that, and then something happens and it flips a switch and it's like the light goes on and you see things for what they are, see how much discomfort you are in, and you can't kid yourself - and this I think is crucial - you can't even kid your partner any more. It's just there in front of you: that this is s*** and we have just been pretending otherwise. In a dysfunctional relationship you keep going by lying - however honest you think you are - lying to yourself and to your partner, implicitly, by pretending that it's okay and we're moving on, we're getting past things, we're doing okay, when you're feeling horrible. And then you get to a point where you just can't . And it's not even anybody's fault, that you can't - it's just the result of being too uncomfortable for too long, and the need to untwist yourself and stretch and occupy enough space of your own to be comfortable.
This is long..
This is long..
I have been nearly exactly where you're at for forty years. Raised five children with this man that I didn't know had adh d and slight autism, until 10 years ago.He simply doesn't want to learn about himself, or not enough to matter at all. He has made statements like, "I read that article, it was good" he literally has nothing else.. Thats it! After all, the learning all the.Research all the " helping him". It's finally sunk in he's not going to do anything regarding our marriage and keeps saying I love you.I'll pray for you. Thats it! He was friends only with our children. All those years while I begged him to get involved in serious matters. He would only budge if I yelled and screamed at him to do something. Then, he would do what I called "swinging a bat". Ss a reaction to me, he would rush headlong into some diatribe with one of the kids that did nothing. Actuall counter productive. All of them knew it was because of me that Dad disciplined them. I was left the bad guy over and over and over. He would throw me under the bus, and when I would address him on it, he would stare at me blankly, like he had no idea what I was saying. Generally, he still scapegoats me in our relationship.It's always been me that needed to get fixed. Me that needed to see a counselor /therapist, get on meds.Et cetera et cetera. You think I would have learned a long time ago. to this day, he is just friends with his adult children. He rarely gets involved with their life.Even when they're going through very difficult times. Our adopted daughter rips me to shreds, and everything in her life is "my fault" now. God gave her to us, (an abused neighborhood 6 year old"). She's twenty nine years old, and recently, in a diatribe told me that, "The only thing she had to deal with in her birth family was sexual abuse and neglect". As opposed to, "All of the trauma, she's gone through from my parenting". I made some mistakes in parenting, her. (Made her to much of a sounding board of my frustration with my husband, (I. Was always under severe pressure and anxiety raising them all and no help from my husband. ) , and a handful of other things, that I have apologized for , with great sincerity. I think she may have taken that as a license to keep attacking me. I will not apologize anymore.It seems to feed into herself destructive mode now. Im broken over this. My husband just says I'll pray for you. Thats it. I am completely alone. Lonely, heartbroken, frustrated, angry exhausted and I had a mental breakdown eight months ago. There was hardly anything left of me.
We live in separate rooms and he sends me simple little texts like, "we just need to be nice to each other". I guess he truly believes that these small little one liners he gives me will magically fix everything. I've woken up finally to the fact that he's never applied himself more than one or two days to anything that I thought we were working out. He's never shared with me anything og significanc about his life or feelings or even his upbringing really. He seems to be a stone, and I can't live with that utter emptiness anymore. The kids are raised, and I'm trying to become a person again.. i don't know what the future holds, but I stay busy with my own life now.See a counselor and pray for God's will. However he leads, i will follow. It's the only way for me to have sanity and a future.
I pray that God shows you the way