Forum topic: Yank myself out of the numbness

It's been a while since I've posted here as I've been trying to take a step back to let some of the hard work I've been doing come to the forefront. 

But I've realised over the last few weeks that I'm worried about myself and how numb I've become to the exhaustion of my marriage. I'm feeling trapped and helpless but my brain is reminding me that I am NOT trapped and helpless and then (I think) my body is staying in freeze/fawn mode - even though I don't want to be. 

I also have been trying to understand and show my compassion because its very clear to me that we (as well as myself individually) are in a constant state of survival and not thriving. And it keeps me in a tailspin. 

I've recently gotten some great news in a permanent job, as well as comfirmed some upcoming trips and travel (my favouite thing)... but at the exact same time we've gotten some devastating family news. However I'm in a we-got-this mode while my spouse can't even string together a sentence most days, let alone finish any task that he has said outloud or anything of the nature. I'm not even exaggerating, it just is what it is. 

Being on these two extremely different plains has made me realise how different we are and I've just let him be...him. and I can't say that I care anymore but I do care about me and that I'm not happy. I don't want to be in a marriage like this and I hate that this is what we model for our son. 

But with all that, I've done nothing to push for couselling or him seeing an adhd coach or talking about our marriage. None of it. I jist don't know what reaction I'll get for most things and deep down, whatever my opinion, wants, needs or desires are.... they don't matter anyways. So what's the point of bringing them up? 

(What a crappy state of affairs, right? I'm sad for myself and pity my husband) 

It's this feeling of numbness and survival that I'm exhasted by and would like to break out of but not sure how. I have been in individual therapy, and continue to check in with my therapist but there's a can of worms there that I'd like to open up for myself but know that I won't get space for healing - bc that's what has been happening in my marriage. There's no space for me or for us. Just my spouse and his huge emotions and his depression and his adhd and his anxiety. 

And we have gotten our son assessed for autism and I was extremely honest with the psychologist (privately of course) about the last 5 years and if he's formally diagnosed I think this will be what breaks me - I cant do a nurospicy household with no buy in from a partner. 

But I don't want to keep waiting for life to kick me enough that I do something bc I keep have to pick myself up first, care for myself ansnthen take steps forward. 

Anyone know the feeling and the numbness and how to break out of it???