“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
- Buckminster Fuller
When I talk with couples about improving their relationship I urge them to think in terms of having two distinct relationships – the ‘old’ relationship, and the ‘new’ one. I want them to leave the old one behind and start fresh – using their new understanding of ADHD to radically alter how they both behave, and committing to contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…moving away from destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and chore wars.
That means stopping the focus on ‘where we’ve been’ and asking instead ‘what’s our ideal relationship? What do we want to build?’ And then…’How would I behave if I were in that relationship?’ This focus on today and tomorrow, rather than yesterday, makes a huge difference in terms of your growth.
You can't do this alone- BOTH partners must help define their future, then ‘behave their way into it,’ showing compassion and individual strength. But think about it – don’t you want to make the ‘existing model’ of your relationship extinct? Fuller has it exactly right.
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.