Transparency. It’s critical when you are rebuilding a relationship, particularly after significant hurt. I’ve learned this the hard way, while recovering from affairs in our relationship. Inevitably when I didn’t know something about my husband’s situation with his past affair partner my imagination would fill in the blanks…and with a vengeance! I would imagine things such as: they had amazing sex; she was perfect for him; they never argued; they had a favorite song and my husband was playing it at home and secretly longing for her; they could live happily ever after…
Not ONE of those things turned out to be true. I know this because instead of letting my imagination eat me from the inside out, I got the courage to ask. The sex was fine, not amazing. He didn’t want to build a life with her…he didn’t even want to live with her. They did argue. No, they didn’t have any songs at all. No, it was clear their relationship wasn’t going to end in happily ever after…but ours is.
Imagination is great when you’re starting a new business. It can be incredibly hurtful when it fills in, and feeds, your insecurities and worries for lack of other information. So practice healthy conversational skills such as learning conversations, conflict intimacy and using verbal cues to develop healthy transparency in your relationship. If you don’t know what those things are, consider taking my 8-week couple’s seminar, given by conference call.
Where do you need more transparency?
No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:
- Online treatment overview;
- Downloadable chapters of my books;
- A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
- A large number of blog posts on various topics;
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.