It Isn’t Personal. It’s ADHD.

ADHD & Marriage News - July 7, 2026

Quote of the Week

“Love looks not with the eyes, but the mind.

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."

- William Shakespeare

It Isn’t Personal. It’s ADHD.

When we meet someone new and become infatuated with them (the first step of any romance) something pretty incredible happens in our mind – it become flooded with lots of extra dopamine. Dopamine is one of the neurotransmitters affiliated with the attention system in the brain.

When a person with ADHD falls in love his or her brain gets lots of extra dopamine just like everyone else and s/he is able to focus intently on his or her prospective partner. This has a name – ‘hyperfocus courtship’ – and it feels great to everyone involved!

For almost everyone, the extra dopamine wears off between 24 and 28 months into the relationship. At that point, the ADHD partner returns to his or her ‘normal,’ low-dopamine state. (Low levels of dopamine is one of the reasons people have ADHD.) Which means the ADHD symptoms show up again.

This can be confusing – because the person with these ADHD symptoms is not behaving towards you like the person you met during that highly attentive courtship!

It’s important to know that this ‘switch’ is not intentional. It doesn’t mean your partner no longer loves you. It isn’t personal. It’s ADHD.

The way to deal with this shift:

Name it for what it is – a characteristic of ADHD (“low dopamine levels”)
Internalize that the switch in behavior is not personal
Get treatment for the ADHD – which often includes rebalancing dopamine levels to achieve better attention (often with medication)
Set aside scheduled time to attend to each other in a romantic way
If you’re long past ‘hyperfocus courtship’ see if you can look back and forgive yourself and your partner for misunderstanding it at the time.

Are you struggling through ‘hyperfocus courtship?’

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Ongoing) - where couples stop feeling alone and start making real progress.

What's inside:
→ Live Expert-led Office Hours
→ Weekly Action Tips to keep you engaged
→ Workshops with tools that work
→ Book Clubs
→ Community Discussion Forum
→ Unlimited Video Replays

i2a delivers the strategies, expert support, and community that transform how ADHD-impacted couples communicate, collaborate, and connect. Learn more and sign up here!

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Fall 2026) Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, take $50 off and check out our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Fall 2026) - Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD Partner Support Group - (Fall 2026) Participants have space to speak honestly about what’s hard. Feel understood, connect with others who truly “get it” and gain valuable insight and advice.

Couples Support Group - (Fall 2026) - Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Foundations in Habit Development - (Fall 2026) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing) - Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing) - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:

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