“Energy invested (in a relationship) in the past doesn’t promise a return in the future. When deciding if a relationship should continue, look at the value it brings to the present and the predicted value in the future, not the investments already made.” - Lisa Arends, author of “Lessons from the End of a Marriage”
Invest Each Day
“I’ve worked so hard on this relationship!” I hear, with some frequency. The (unspoken) rest of the sentence is “…so everything should be fixed by now!” Sadly, this isn’t the way relationships work for several reasons:
You might have been spinning your wheels – to move forward, both partners must be participating in change. One partner cannot do it alone, no matter how much energy has been invested.
You might have been ‘trying harder’ (i.e. doing the same things that don’t work, only more so) rather than ‘trying differently’ (i.e. using strategies shown to help couples impacted by ADHD)
Sometimes the very effort one expends makes things worse, such as when a non-ADHD partner starts to nag to get an ADHD partner to do things
So energy expended in the past does not indicate what should happen today or in the future. Instead, look at your shared dreams and look at whether or not you are poised to have some wonderful todays. This will help you keep up the stamina needed for today’s investment of energy and the building of your best future together.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples courses: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Next live session begins October 6 - this eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship - Next session begins November 10 (may change slightly) - This new seminar is designed to help couples become more intimate on every level. Both seminars are given by phone, so anyone may participate.