“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light. Look hard. Risk that.” - Cheryl Strayed
Love Over Time
No one ever really talked with me about how love changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but I sort of wish I had known more about it! Strayed’s idea – that we see our partners in a more ‘fractured light’ is a very interesting way to think about the strength we can gain from long-term love. We start thinking our partner – and our relationship – are perfect. Then we learn better. And over the years we see more and more facets – positive and negative - of our partner and ourselves.
This can be scary stuff. What do you do with the idea that your partner is capable of betrayal? Or that her work record is more spotty than you expected? How about the times when you feel resentment – perhaps even hate - and don’t act on it in ways that you feel proud of?
I would agree with Strayed – learning who we are at a deeper level is a risk, but well worth it. We are infinitely more complex than we thought when we first met…and constantly changing. But that is good. I like that my husband sees the good and the bad in me and is still around to talk about it. I like that I can see him more accurately for who he is and still feel deep love for him. This is reassuring, even as it can be hard to digest sometimes.
What sort of ‘fractured light’ have you benefited from in your relationship?
The next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts February 17th! Learn more here.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at my marriage and ADHD website, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar. This eight-session seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, and is given by phone, so anyone may participate. The next session begins February 17th. Learn more here.