Unresolved Spats


ADHD & Marriage - Weekly Marriage Tip - October 15, 2013

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

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“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done.  This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

- John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work



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Unresolved Spats

Think about the arguments you and your partner have had in the last two weeks.  How many of them are spats you’ve had before?  Most, I bet.  Some research suggests that about 70% of fights are unresolvable for just the reasons that Gottman suggests – they result from legitimate and lasting differences between you.

Instead of fighting, think of yourselves as negotiating a “work around.”  Assume your differences of opinions will last – if that's the case, what do you do right now so that you can move on with your lives?  Given the figures, creating work arounds is how you’ll “resolve” your differences most of the time.

So, thinking about the last two weeks – is there an ongoing fight that might benefit from negotiating a work around?

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
If you or your spouse has ADHD, please join our forum at www.adhdmarriage.com to ask your questions and learn from others who share your issues.  In addition, you'll find in-depth essays and a terrific recorded in-depth seminar to help you learn how to thrive in a marriage affected by ADHD.
Hope to hear from you there!
Melissa Orlov

© 2013 Melissa Orlov