Want to Stop Fighting? You Already Know What to Do…


ADHD & Marriage - Weekly Marriage Tip - April 28, 2014

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

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People know what warms their partner’s heart, but usually we’re too angry or settled into the distance to actually do it.”

- Harriet Lerner



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Want to Stop Fighting? You Already Know What to Do…

Lerner gets this just right. There are lots of times when you know that if you just apologized, just held your partner’s hand, or reached out in some other way, you could warm your partner’s heart right then and there.  But as relationships struggle we become less likely to make these gestures.  That’s a huge loss for the relationship. Research done by John Gottman shows quite clearly that repair behavior during or after a fight can have a huge impact on the ongoing health of your relationship. And that not “repairing” leads to increased distress.


The next time you ‘know you should’ but are too bent out of shape to reach out to reconnect with your partner, use that voice in your head to self-talk your way to overturning that desire to hold back. Move out of your comfort zone, and do what you know you should. Offer that way to heal. If your partner isn’t ready to accept your bid for repair, talk about why not…and listen to the answer.
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
If you or your spouse has ADHD, please join our forum at www.adhdmarriage.com to ask your questions and learn from others who share your issues.  In addition, you'll find in-depth essays and a terrific recorded in-depth seminar to help you learn how to thrive in a marriage affected by ADHD.
Hope to hear from you there!
Melissa Orlov

© 2014 Melissa Orlov