Is there anything I can do about it, without getting myself in trouble?
I suspect YYZ is in for another dose of deja vu.
To keep it short... I've always had a high sex drive, I'm a guy, I enjoy it, it was always one way I could should give my wife some focused attention and thereby demonstrate that I loved her, it made me feel wanted and loved in return, and in retrospect I'd also probably been using it to unknowingly self-medicate my ADHD before it was diagnosed.
In our younger days, when we first met, my wife was something of a go getter as well. With few responsibilities and just ourselves to worry about, everything was Jim-Dandy.
Later, with two kids growing older, bills, jobs, odd work hours, so on and so forth, we had a lot less time for it. Now, I really like all the extra romance that goes into gearing up for sex... The teasing and the flirting and the cuddling and such. But we didn't have much extra time for it. We still had sex, but it was quick and dirty (no pun intended) and a lot more... functional... than before. As one would expect, she became less interested, I became less satisfied, and it all became a lot less frequent.
Now, after things have come to a head (again, no pun intended), we're living in separate bedrooms. We haven't had sex in months. But I'm no less interested or eager, and after all this time, it's just about got me crawling up the walls.
I don't watch porn. I've never cheated on my wife, never had an affair -- I've never even slept with another woman other than her. Though, I've got admit, they're both terribly tempting, and I'm not certain what I'd do if a woman actually propositioned me... I'm trying to avoid the that situation altogether.
There's the obvious answer, but right now that's like snacking on stale popcorn, when what I really want is a big turkey dinner with all the trimmings, extra gravy on the mashed potatoes and a slice of pie for dessert. To quote Green Day, "When masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking lonely."
What to do?
simple....
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
Take her out somewhere nice....spice it up a little...get her flowers and a gift...get her a nice card....write on the card how much you love her....do the things that would put a smile on her face....just make her happy...and she would of course come around...
I am the non-ADHD wife of an ADHD husband....if it's one thing I could say...we have not lost our desire for sex with each other,,,thank god...I have had my fear share with him with porn and other woman...I don't think he has ever cheated,,,but hey who knows...but what could I say is that he tries to always keep me happy underneath all his struggles.He would cook for me and take me on romantic vacations...that would make me want him more as the times role on...maybe you need to spice it up a little...
You said you guys live in separate bedrooms...well at least you are in the same house...my hubby and I live in two different houses....but I spend weekends with him and holidays...we can't live with each other b/c he has tons of mood swings.....but until he finds a way to delete to those...then maybe I would consider....
I wish you the best...
from:lovehurts.
Not quite as simple as that...
Submitted by Pbartender on
"Take her out somewhere nice....spice it up a little...get her flowers and a gift...get her a nice card....write on the card how much you love her....do the things that would put a smile on her face....just make her happy...and she would of course come around..."
Oh, I've been doing that stuff... I am doing it... I will continue to do it... But... there is more to it than that. She's still harboring hard feelings over 14 years worth of undiagnosed ADHD troubles. It's going to take a while before she works through that, if she ever does. If fact, the primary reason she's still married to me in a separate bedroom, rather than divorced in a separate house is that we can't afford to sell our house, and neither of us can afford to move out. I have a year of reprieve, and I'm hoping that might be enough time for her to cool down and maybe change her mind, if I can make some positive changes and improve myself.
Anyway... That's not exactly the point of this post. We're not having sex, and it's not likely to happen any time soon.
When she made the decision to move to her own bedroom, made a point of saying that we should both be free to go out and do what we like on our own. And that whatever we do, neither of us can hold it against the other, no matter how things work out in the end. She even went so far as to encourage me to go out, date other women and have sex with them. I'm entirely certain what to make of that, but I suspect that it might have something to do with the fact that she had a lot of partners before we met, and I've only ever had her.
Neither of us has taken any action on that freedom yet... I don't think either of us will any time soon, either.
I don't really want other women. I want my wife. But it's it's been so long, that I worry about doing something stupid, should the opportunity arise.
Pb.
She encouraged you to
Submitted by funnyfarm on
She encouraged you to 'date'....that does not sound good. I understand where you are coming from, My H and I have not had sex in a year, and sometimes it kills me, but its sort of a catch 22. i wish he wanted me and maybe he does and just doesn't express it, and at times I miss him that way too, but at the same time after 17 years of frustration and taking care of everything I also can't imagine him touching me, i feel like a mother not a partner. However I still would not encourage him to date, that sounds like the death of a marriage. I'm sorry I do not have any good advice on this, but you aren't alone. Sometimes i miss him/sex so bad, yet at the same time can't stand the thought of it. How can you feel two opposite ways at the same time ????
sex
Submitted by Longhaul on
"Though, I've got admit, they're both terribly tempting, and I'm not certain what I'd do if a woman actually propositioned me..."
Don't you think she either feels this or knows this?
My husband is ADHD...EXTREMELY impulsive. It has hurt my feelings numerous times what this has brought.
Another thing....
"When masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking lonely."
Don't you think she knows this? Don't you think she knows what you are doing? Unless you are thinking about her all the time (I doubt it), how do you expect her to feel? do you check out other women a lot in front of her? Do you RESPECT HER?
There are different kinds of cheating....look them up.
Here's the bottom line, your being selfish. You talk about what YOU want. What does she want? At this point it is going to take months for you to get back on track unless you really take a look at the role you are playing in this and how your ADHD is affecting your marriage.
Put yourself in her shoes and maybe by Thanksgiving you will be able to have that dinner.
See my reply above. You
Submitted by Pbartender on
See my reply above.
You don't need to harangue me... I know what I've done wrong in the past, and why. I know what she's done wrong in response, and why. I know what she needs right now -- enough space to work through the tough emotions -- on her own. That's not an easy thing for an ADHDer to handle... I want to actively fix things and fix them now. Standing by and waiting is excruciating. In the meantime, I'm doing my damnest to make myself a better person, if I can and this is part of it.
I've spent the last 14 years using every ounce of effort trying to give her want she wants, and despite my best efforts I've never quite gotten it right. That's ADHD. I can't make her happy for her. I need to work on making myself happy, and she needs to work on making herself happy. We both know that. With a little bit of luck we can both be happy together again.
But also...
Her eyes wander as much, if not more than mine. In the last year, she got drunk and kissed a co-worker at a party, and later she was sexting with a different co-worker. I am asking for help trying to AVOID that sort of temptation, at a time when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable to it. Don't presume that I'm looking for justification to cheat in any manner.
Because of ADHD, I have a problem paying attention during conversations, and remembering the details afterward. That behavior mistakenly believe that I purposefully wasn't paying attention to her, that I thought what she had to say wasn't important, and so on. That's most of the problem. And when you're feeling that bad, it's understandable that she's not interested in sex. I understand that. I've had many of those same sorts of feelings, but for different reasons and they affected me differently.
We also had a lot of trouble with simple scheduling... We both work full time jobs, and her's is an early morning shift. We also have kids who are growing into teenagers and like to stay up late. Not to mention the household chores, bills and all the other responsibilities that come with building a family and running a household. We often didn't have time for sex, even though I desperately wanted it (and often so did she). When we did have time, there'd be little time and would have to rush things and skip the romantic parts, usually at her request. My ADHD misunderstanding of the situation led me to believe that that was what she wanted. Understandably, but mistakenly, she thought all I wanted was sex.
But really, RIGHT NOW, that doesn't matter. It's over and done and cannot be changed.
Right now, I am being a little bit selfish. I admit I want sex badly. It's a bodily urge that's difficult to resist. I'm trying desperately to find a way to satisfy it or at least dampen it, in a way that won't cause trouble, that won't disrespect my wife, that won't push her farther away from me than she already is.
But instead of giving me some useful advice from the perspective of the non-ADHD wife, you instead scold me for admitting that I've got a problem and asking for help for it.
Thanks.
Pb.
exactly
Submitted by Longhaul on
Harangue, scold....really?
ha·rangue (h-rng) KEY
NOUN:
A long pompous speech, especially one delivered before a gathering.
A speech or piece of writing characterized by strong feeling or expression; a tirade.
American Heritage Dictionary:
scold
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Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary
(skōld)
v., scold·ed, scold·ing, scolds.
v.tr.
To reprimand or criticize harshly and usually angrily.
Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/scold#ixzz1yAg0IeRC
YOU SERIOUSLY just said that? Reread it and read it with the thought of someone who is very kind/honest trying to help you.
Here's the breakdown:
You referred to yourself in the I/me/my way @ 32 times
In the Her/she format @19 times
In the we/us format @ 7 times.
Do you think non ADHDers don't have extremely high sex drives?
YOU asked the question. DO you want truth from maybe people who may understand your wife or what? What do you expect? Booohooo for you? nope. 14 YEARS?! You are lucky to have a woman so loyal.
"Standing by and waiting is excruciating." Has she ever felt this way?
If you are this jumpy at me when I am trying to do the very thing you are asking for, how are you towards her?
I wish you luck.
Yeah, I know... It's been a
Submitted by Pbartender on
Yeah, I know... It's been a jumpy sort of day.
All I can say is, from the perspective of someone who has spent half his life being told that his best isn't good enough, being told that even his best intentions always end up being wrong, being told that no matter what he does things won't get better, it read an awful lot like haranguing and scolding. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your intent.
And rest assured that yes, I've talked to her about it, I understand what she's feeling and why... at least as far as she can explain it to me.
I refer to myself so often in the original post, because it's my problem, not hers, and I should be the one to take responsibility for it, hot her. I find myself in a position where I am tempted to do stupid, foolish, and almost certainly hurtful things, despite her reassurances of "no hard feelings". And I'm looking for a little support and help to get me through it, so that I don't give into those temptations and make things worse by hurting her.
Pb.
I hear ya'...
Submitted by Haps on
Pb - In doing my homework on the ADHD brain (and folding in my own high sex drive wisdom), I hear ya'. The opposite seems true for me and my partner. I mean, we're both guys (if we want to play that stereo type) - it should be happening even if we're not in the room!
SO not that case, though. He moved to the couch. I hoped he would come back to the bedroom. We never talked about "why" either of us were behaving the way we were until just very recently. At that time, it was all about what we wanted. "I want sex" & "I want to be on the couch". :-\ Stalemate.
I was looking for connection. Intimacy. He was looking to avoid stimulation (no, not THAT kind) and just wanted things to settle down. I can only assume he was overwhelmed by all of what was going on in our lives then, and I'm encouraged that only 6 months later, it's seeming that the opportunity to have that conversation will appear.
Back to the "homework" I've been doing, though... We're talking about an activity that actually boosts the chemicals in the brain that are in somewhat short supply here. In a way, it can be like a "fix" if you will. So, what's wrong with wanting your fix, right? Nothing. But there are two of you to think about here. You obviously know that or else you wouldn't have posted here and might have had that affair by now. (Congrats for not, though!)
I think Longhaul has given us some good insight into the "easy" answer here, though. Putting the sex issue on the front burner is risky. Yes, it's your concern and valid for sure, yet I'd be willing to bet that your wife, like me, is looking for an emotional connection before anything else. Stumbling over biological "needs" though makes it really rough. Nonetheless, resist the urge at all costs. Take matters into your own hands (yes, literally!), and avoid those situations that might be risky as much as possible. (For example, going out for the evening where you know you'll be with single people and drinking. Probably not a good idea if I'm reading your tone right.)
As for her behavior - she's probably torn a bit over that as well and is part of what she's working through. Perhaps. At the end of it, looking at your reaction to her behavior there, imagine what HER reaction would be to your behavior that's a number of steps past sexting. :-\ That would be even harder to recover from.
Oh, I'm certain that as far
Submitted by Pbartender on
Oh, I'm certain that as far as sex is concerned, she's looking for that emotional connection... To a large degree, I am too, though for guys, emotional connection and raw physical desire seem far less interconnected. In the past, we mutually didn't have the time or energy to invest in maintaining that connection, and sex started to suffer. Later, bad feelings over undiagnosed ADHD problems made things worse.
It's those bad feelings we both have to deal with, before ever get close to putting sex on the front burner again. Otherwise, it'll all just happen again.
Pb.
PB
Submitted by funnyfarm on
I don't know what your wife is feeling, and I can only guess. However as you stated your wife HAS kissed someone and has been sexting...maybe she is done and over the marriage. As i stated before sometimes I miss my H while at the same time I can't even think of being close, however I have Never gone so far as to kiss another man or sext or anything even remotely close to that....sure i could easily have an opportunity to cheat but will never do that. All the advice about waiting and she will come around, etc... i have a question... Have you ASKED her recently what she wants, is there a chance for reconciliation, closeness...or is she truely done with the relationship ? Have you asked what more you can do, if there is something you still are not doing ? I do think there is a point of no return in a relationship....it sounds to me (my opinion only) that if she has gone so far as kissing a man, sexting, told you to date and have sex with other women that she is in fact past the point of no return. TALK to her, Is your plea only for sex or Do you still Love her ? If so have you told her that ?..............I can't even recall the last time my husband said those three little words to me or I to him.
Yes.About a month ago, when
Submitted by Pbartender on
Yes.
About a month ago, when she moved to her own bedroom, she was ready to call it quits (at this point I had not yet been diagnosed), and she likely would have at least moved out into her own apartment. However, our current financial situation prevents that... Either of us would have to wait another year, or face paying back half of the First Time Homebuyer Tax Credit, which neither of us could afford to do.
A week or so later, after we'd both cooled down a bit and had time to think things over, she admitted that right now the relationship feels like its over and she needs space and time. That she still loves me, but she isn't in love with me. That even if the marriage doesn't work out in the end, that bit of extra space might help rebuild our friendship. She also admitted that a year is a long time, and that even though it didn't seem like they would, things could change. So, that gives me a little hope.
She said that the kiss was a bad choice made because she'd had far too much to drink, and wasn't using her best judgment because of it. And she confessed that the sexting was a stupid mistake which felt like something new and exciting at the time.
The encouragement to date other women is a bit trickier... Over the last year, occasionally in arguments, she'd bring up the fact that I hadn't ever slept with any other women. I never quite understood what she was getting at. Inferring from other conversations, I think there may be a little guilt(?) at the fact that she was rather adventurous, and had a lot of partners before we met, whereas I didn't. Maybe it might have been a way to ease the sexual tension that had built up -- from her not entirely unjustified point of view it looked like all I wanted was sex and lot of it, which was a burden for her. Perhaps it was also meant as a means for us to distance ourselves from each other, should we so choose in preparation for what then seemed like an inevitable split.
I do still love her and I've told her quite recently. It's a tricky thing, though... I don't want to fall back into that overwhelming ADHD territory that could just end up pushing her farther away.
In the meantime, I too got tired of dealing with my own inattention and absent-mindedness, and went to see my doctor about it. I've since been diagnosed with ADHD (just two weeks ago?), I've started on mild medication, and tomorrow I have my first appointment with an ADHD counselor/coach. My wife has "thawed" a little bit, and now we're having fun together as friends, but I dearly miss the physical contact... Not just sex, but the hugs and kisses and the small thinking-of-you touches as well.
So, what I was asking for, is this...
I'm having a tough time with sexual temptations right now. The usual means of relief are losing their effectiveness, and I'm worried that should I find myself in the wrong situation, I might do something terribly stupid and completely ruin any small chance I might have of regaining her love. So, I could use some suggestions for "safely" reducing or ignoring the those temptations... Or at least a pep talk to keep my confidence up while I grit my teeth and tough it out.
Pb.
You are on the right road it
Submitted by funnyfarm on
You are on the right road it seems, good for you. It DOES sound promising when you say you are having fun together again, thats great. I do understand the missing physical contact, me too, not a hug or hand hold, kiss in a whole year...i can remember the day the last time that happened. If you really want to repair things and it sounds like you do then DON'T put yourself in the situation where something stupid could happen. Sounds simple but really if you are having that hard a time, just stay away from temptation, drinking is a biggie. people do the dumbest things.... 2 weeks knowing you have ADHD is not very long, hang in there, build the relationship back, the rest will come in time.
Two weeks... It really isn't
Submitted by Pbartender on
Two weeks... It really isn't long... Right now, though, it seems like forever.
Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey.
Pb.
LOL. When you want
Submitted by funnyfarm on
LOL. When you want something NOW. 2 weeks is forever. Hang in there.
parado) x
Submitted by gardener447 on
Keep in mind that, for most people, what you focus on increases.. and if you ever have hyper-focus, well, that could be trouble. In other words, the more time you spend thinking about how not to think about it, the more you will think about it... The more you think about how much at risk you are for "terribly stupid" behavior, the more you will see opportunities to engage in it. First don't "expose" your self (sorry, bad pun) to temptation. If there is someone you are attracted to, keep away. If you pass a strip club on your way home from work everyday, find a new route. I don't know what the particular temptations might be, but you do, but ooops don't think about them. You have other priorities right now -- focus on them, or find a distraction. It will be worth it.
That's a really good post, G.
Submitted by Haps on
That's a really good post, G. We (all people, ADHD or non-ADHD) tend to want what we can't have, and lord knows temptation is staring us in the face most every day. Sex, money, things. Throw in bad habits or impulsiveness, and it makes it even harder many days.
I don't think you are being
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I don't think you are being selfish, PB. And I'm a female. I think you were venting and we're here to vent, listen, and advise kindly... It just so happens that I'm in your shoes with the ADD spouse, so I can kind of relate.
I don't know if you have, but I think you really should sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your wife. You need to find out where she's at and whether or not you can salvage your marriage. Tell her that you want to salvage things. Offer to go to counseling, if you haven't.
It sounds a little like she may have moved on, but honestly, I think she's just looking for attention. When ADD hubby and I were in the thick of things, I encouraged an office flirtation. Not because I had any intention of cheating, but because I wanted, no craved attention. It gave me a reason to get up and look nice before going to work. I wasn't getting anything out hubby because he was lost in the dark of undiagnosed ADD. I finally 'fessed up to this "emotional" affair and he was furious. To this day, he can't stand the other guy even though I've changed jobs and we've moved on.
The only thing you can do is stay out of trouble, keep venting here, and try your best to keep things going in the right direction. You're right that your wife has got years of resentment, anger, sadness, etc to deal with in regards to your ADD. Right now, just be there for her. Tell her and then show her you're going to be trustworthy from here on out. Believe me, it's the show part that's oh-so-important. I generally don't believe anything my hubby says until he starts to follow through.
Hang in there.
Pbartender....hear me out...
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I know how difficult this must be for you,,,but also difficult for her also...I trust that you do love your wife..I could hear it in your post...
I am not going down that same road with you...but I CAN SAFELY ADVICE YOU TO JUST DO THE THINGS TO MAKE HER HAPPY...the sex would happen when it is to happen....
just be there for her as much as possible....I am trying to help you and I would never judge you..I don't have ADHD but I am with a man who has ADHD and I feel his pain all the time..he is in the suffering ADHD moment all the time....it leads him into serious mood swings and depressions and that in turn could really put a hurting on marriages and relationships...I would resent him a lot and then I would love him....it's always a roller coaster ride with him...and I am sure your wife feels the same way too....the thing is....I am in to him as much as he is in to me....the thing that causes sex in marriages to break down is long term resentment and of course visual pleasure...and a whole lot more....it really is a lot of hard work......
I wish you all the luck in the world...take it slowly one day at a time...I am sure she would come around....
you stated that you did everything possible to make her happy and yet she initiates you having other relations with other women....it's not sooo at all.....maybe you think you are doing everything but still missing something.....
lovehurts.
Oooh... "visual
Submitted by Pbartender on
Oooh... "visual pleasure"...
I'd almost forgotten about that...
For a long time, both of us had let ourselves go. Right after college, I was just 150 pounds... a bit of a skinny geek. Looking at some of my old medical records the other day, I was embarrassed to find that I'd gained 40 pounds in those first two years (rotating shift work + computer console job + no exercise = YIKES!), and ended up topping out at 225. My wife wasn't a whole lot better off.
Both of us got tired of being fat and lazy, and with small changes to what we've been eating and finding a gym that we actually enjoy going to (it's like Average Joe's Gym from the movie Dodgeball), we both really slimmed down. I'm back down to 180, my waistline is 4 inches smaller, and even after buying new pants this spring, I'm on my lowest belt loop. A week ago, we finished a triathlon together.
We were both really proud of that.
Pb.
Just a thought
Submitted by ChaosQueen on
I really feel for you and your situation. I can see how much you love your wife and want to make things work. I can see your pain. If your ADHD diagnosis is still so new, this may be the fresh start you are both so in need of. Soak up as much as you can about ADHD and what it means for you and your life. But, do what you can to help share all these new things with your wife. If she can begin to understand you in a new light, perhaps she will feel a renewed desire to do the hard work and make the necessary repairs. The best thing you can do is to be as proactive and humble and possible, do everything you can to use your new knowledge and medication and coach and any other tools you've found to give you the strength and perspective you need to make those hard changes, big and small. In fact, I daresay the many small things are what will make the most difference.
The thing that came to mind, though, in reading your post and the various comments, is that there seems to be a lot of focus on you and her and fixing what is wrong between the two of you. You mention that you have kids. Maybe you are just not saying anything more about the kids because that was not the purpose or focus of your post. However, if so many years of undiagnosed ADHD have taken such a toll on your relationship with your wife, what about the toll it (and the subsequent marital difficulties) have had on the kids? You mention that your kids are getting older. They may not really want to spend time with dad right now. However, I am sure they would really appreciate some extra attention from you, even if they perhaps aren't even able to admit it to themselves at first. Especially if your ADHD has caused a lack of or strained connection between you and them. I'm sure they have noticed how hard it can be to hold your attention, and it might go a long way to repair things if you were to bring more of your focus onto them. Please don't think I am saying you are a bad father or that you are being selfish or anything else like that. I, myself, have ADHD. As does my husband. And there are times that my kids just don't get the attention from me or him that they need and want. Not because I don't love my kids or because I purposely put myself and my needs above them. It just happens sometimes and takes a lot of work to keep away from neglectful behaviors or patterns, especially when my life and (most especially) my marriage is in turmoil.
The things is, if your marriage has reached this point, there are sure to be LOTS of little things that your wife feels hurt and resentful about. And it might go a long way to warm her heart if she sees you throw yourself into being the best husband and father you can be. Things like helping out more around the house, being extra sweet with your wife and kids, and keeping your frustrations and your temper in check (again, I have ADHD and live with an ADHD husband, I know how sudden the tempers can flare without warning and how much chaos that brings into the family dynamic). More than once I have pointed out to my husband that, when he is on his game he is the best father there is and the kids worship him. But, when he is having a hard time, they often don't get enough attention from him unless it is negative attention. And, the big secret (that's not so secret, I don't think) is that the quickest way to win a woman's heart is to love her children. In my home, it sure goes a long way to smooth over the rough spots when I see my husband being genuine and wonderful with our kids. Maybe, if you were to try to put more energy into that you would win in more ways than one. You'd have stronger, better, renewed relationships with your kids that both you and they will really value and your wife will see all that and love you for it and see all the work you are doing to better yourself and your family now that you're no longer living in the dark about your ADHD.
Now, I know that I didn't even come close to addressing the particular problem you were asking for help with. As a wife who has, at times, had a very strained marriage (especially when that strain is due in large part to neglect or hurtful behavior, unintentional though it is, from my husband) when things are that bad between you, sex is probably the last thing on her mind. Or, rather, there are most likely times she really wants it, too, but the hurt and resentment she feels make that desire not even an issue. She may still really love you, but not feel up to trusting herself so completely and intimately with you. But, if you keep doing the work and don't give up and don't let yourself use your ADHD as an excuse and a crutch, but rather as a tool to be figured out and harnessed, then she will see it. And, as your relationship improves and the love and trust are rebuilt, the sex will come. But, it will not come easily or quickly. I know that can be hard to accept that you may be facing a long and uncomfortable dry spell. As for ways to avoid making those mistakes you're so afraid of due to the built up sexual tension, having something else to focus on can go a long way to help you through it. If you throw your whole self into rebuilding your relationships with your kids and rebuilding yourself into a more considerate and loving (which also means attractive to a woman) husband and father, you will have much less free time and energy to let your thoughts, and possibly actions, turn negative and spiral out of control.
One last parting bit of advice before I finally shut up. If she is willing (and your later comments about having fun again and such lead me to believe she could be), find something new that you and your wife can do together. A new hobby or activity or sport or adventure or class, whatever. Something that is new to both of you, and something that is at least a little adventurous. Especially if it involves having to learn new things. This will capture your attention and help dial you in to her more. It will also bring out the fun, bright, charismatic side of you that is one of the perks of having ADHD. This is likely a side of you that your wife was drawn to in the beginning and that has probably all but disappeared through all the hard years and pain and fighting. It will be good for her to see some of that fun man she first fell in love with. And it will be something that can be fun and positive and new, and you will both associate those good feelings with each other.
Best of luck to you! I'm no expert, so take my advice for what it's worth. Heck, I don't even know what it feels like to be "normal", much less how that would feel while also married to someone who is ADHD. But, I do what it feels like to be a woman and a wife, and I know what it is to be married to a man with ADHD who has gone undiagnosed most of his life. I don't have all the answers. Boy, do I wish I did! I'm just doing my best to muddle through this crazy thing called life with ADHD, and maybe help a few people here and there along the way. Good for you for trying so hard! Just don't give up...on yourself, your relationship, your family, or your future.