I get so frustrated with myself for apologizing all the time when my ADD husband and I get into conflict. He always tells me why I am wrong to feel what I feel or react how I react. I honestly wish I was just a robot and then maybe there would be peace in this household. If only I didn't have feelings, expectations, frustrations and heaven forbid negative reactions to anyone else's behavior that lives under my roof. I'm not allowed to express any of this or I am "unloading" on him. It takes about 500 positive interactions to make up for any negative interaction with him. So, that means that I am basically doomed. Not to mention that he twists things I say when we try to have a conversation and I end up feeling insane most of the time. It is so incredibly tiring.
Why do I do this?
Submitted by Beachlover68 on 04/28/2013.
It is this dynamic that has
Submitted by lauren07 on
It is this dynamic that has turned me off to marriage or cohabitation. Once I get out of this, I'm living alone or maybe with another female. The disappointments and expectations are too much for me.
blder
Submitted by jennalemon on
You are allowed to have feelings. It is what makes us unique individuals. You are allowed to express those feelings and your thoughts. He doesn't like your feelings. That doesn't mean you don't have them. You don't like things he says. He says them anyhow. Things escalate when the negative feelings start going back and forth. BUT you can't just let him manipulate you and take it seriously/personally for the rest of your life. Neither could you unload on him (and him take your words seriously/personally) without him hurting or arguing back at you for the rest of your life. The person silently receiving (and taking to heart) the negative "unloading" eventually loses their self respect and gets depressed. So, what is a person to do? DH said the other day (he does not make a living wage but is starting a 3-day-a week job today- he is blaming me that he has to work even though he forgets that I have been working to support us) that I just want to make him go to work so that he will die of tedium and I am nothing but someone who just wants his life insurance after he dies - that I am killing him for the insurance money. Now, I could NOT remain mute at that one because it is SO wrong....that he is BLAMING ME for the fact that a man must support his family. He really heard my strong feelings after that comment. BUT ordinarily, I take his off-hand comments, his manipulative distractive sarcasmns as just information. I don't take anything he says personally usually anymore because he says things and then forgets immediately...his words mean nothing anymore. I used to think he was strong and smart but now I realize that it was mostly bravado and his actual words were very often wrong and carelessly just said with audacious authority. He shoots off the cuff and is offensive and defensive and distractive MOST of the time....just trying to "win" the moment's conversation - no grasp of the goal to make a long term family relationship in his mind at all... that is not remotely one of his goals. His logic is so goofed up that whatever comes out of his mouth is made up in his mind to suit the moment so he can feel good about himself....it is not fact or useful to me anymore. He used to use words to make me back down on every issue so he could "win". And he got so used to WINNING with his lies and half-truths that he is now OUTSIDE of REALITY! I used to take his words to heart and try to make things rosy between us. I cannot do that. It has taken too high a toll on my psyche. His words are only information about HIM and his brain to me now. My words to him are (for him) only information on how he can best "get his way". He used to use the phrases "pushing your buttons" and "get your goat" and "pull your strings". I was too naive to realize that when I opened up about myself and shared my concerns (unloading), he was using that information as honing for his verbal target practice. I listen to him now and say things like, "Are you trying to threaten me?" "Think about what you just said. You just said.........." He will usually say, "I didn't say that!!!" right after he said it. I say to him things like: "Are you telling me what I think? Do you want to know what I think?" He usually says 'No". or "You just said........ Is that what you believe? to me that means..... Is that what you wanted to tell me?" "You turned that sentence around to make it wrong." He will deny it. Sometimes I just look at him and silently think...."You are not able to know the difference between truth and lies in your head anymore....living in a fantasy world where you can be something you are not." My point is, don't take the words personally. You are not doomed. You are OK. Hold your head up. Don't let his words hurt you or define you. Do whatever you must to remain sane and have self respect. It is sad that we have someone in our lives whose words we cannot trust and whose real thoughts we cannot know.
"A man is only as good as his word."
Good Lord, how do you live
Submitted by barneyarff on
Good Lord, how do you live with that??????
This perversion of reality is
Submitted by jackrungh on
This perversion of reality is not unfamiliar to me. It is dangerous. Your response to it now is really clever, and even if he is too deep into this alternate world, it at least defuses his salvoes.
So incredibly tiring.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello bldr!
So Incredibly Tiring would be another great screen name!
Your post is clear, direct, and to the point. So clearly I can see it, as I live it.
I don't believe it is you who is doomed. Continuing in this sort of - as Melissa Orlov calls it - Symptom-Response-Respone cycle - will lead to relationship doom. The cycle is very time consuming and esteem crushing.
I am by no means perfect. I can write you a list of all my character flaws and personal shortcomings. So can my spouse. While I try to take my own inventory, and only respond to my frustration at his behaviors, he sees no character flaws or shortcomings in himself. Argggh.
So I work on me. I am fixated on how to bring up the subject, with our 2 twenty-something children, that I am out of steam. I don't want to try to work on this marriage relationship anymore.
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of painting a pretty picture. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one who is living the Christian marriage. It takes 2. When the 'for worse' and 'for poorer' are the only words that highlight my vows from 28 years ago, I am thinking very heavily that 'till death' is referring to the relationship, rather than either one of us.