I am not done with the relationship. I'm done with life. I am a ADD spouse. Until I read this column I had no idea that I caused so much pain in the life of others around me. My entire marriage I have tried to please my wife. I do not go out with friends, I devote my entire non working life to her. I have distanced myself from my narcissistic mother, left my business partners due to my hyperfocus at work, so I could spend more time with my spouse. I have tried to change my sex life, to accomodate her needs. I have tried to put the family first in all my life. I am utterly unsucessful. An excellent example has been the last two weeks of my life since I have been diagnosed with Add. I found out that I can't communicate, have sex or do anything very well. I am a very good attorney with a busy schedule. I clearly take too much work and spend too little time with the family. Last week was our 15th anniversary. I had taken my wife out to lunch. I had planned to rent a hotel room after lunch, to be more romantic. I had mentioned it to her but she gave me no clear signs that she was interested. My schedule got screwed up that day and I had to attend a phone hearing during our lunch. I got distracted and forget about the hotel room. I asked her if want she wanted to do after lunch, and she said nothing. I went to the bank with her figuring that she did not want to go. I always worry about what she wants to do, because I love her so much. I am always concerned what she is thinking rather than doin what I want. SHe wanted me to take charge of the situtation without having to ask her. I went back to the office. On the way back I started talking passionately about I basketball team I follow as they were scheduled to come into town. She became jealous and wished that I could become more passionate about her. In reality, I would give up Free final four tickets for her. She is the most important thing in my life. BUt once again I did all the wrong things and communicated to her that I was not interested. Then this past Sunday, we had a nice weekend together. I intiated sex becasue I was excited and in love with her. I became distracted and could not finish. SHe thought that I wither hated her and/or was disinterested in her and began to cry in the act. Today, I was talking about a camping trip and said I wanted to get a cot. I meant to say that We should get a cot. BUt once again I cannot communicate well and said I should get a cot. Well I she said I was only thinking of myself. Our whole marriage was this way. I have every intention of doin what is right, but my actions and words come out wrong leading to an argument in our marriage. FOr many years I thought working hard and providing a roof over the family and a good lifestyle was a way to show her I loved her. I did not realize that being there was far more important.
I have read this forum for the past few weeks and realize that there are many women who are frustrated by their husbands. They relate similar facts and situations to my wife. Whether I realize it or not I am being lazy around the home, not spending enough time with family, saying inappropriate things, not showing enough affection, being distracted while we are together, no having enough sex, not having sex the right way, having too many fantasies, hyperfocusing on work, have a bad temper and forgetting to special things for birthdays anniversary and holidays. I admit to all those things. I do not do drugs and am the sole income earner. I had a porn addiction for a while. I stopped that. I have been the sole income earner for the family for 2 years and have always worked. I do not have any friends anymore. I have chosen to focus my entire life on my work, my wife and family.
However, my communication, distractability and laziness causes pain to my wife and family. I have trouble communicating without frustration with my wife. I have made her feel unwanted and unloved. However, I try to please her in anyway I can. I have come to the conclusion that all I do is cause pain in other peoples life. Especially my wife. I am kind hearted. THe pain you all describe is that of my wife. She cannot change to avoid my communication problems or the feelings of unwantedness. SHe will not divorce me because of the affect she believes it will have on the kids. But kids will heal. I am too old to start anew and try with someone else. I have given up my desires in life to be with my wife. However, I still cause her pain. I cannot live knowing that I am the cause of someone's feeling of pain, distress or unwantedness. I also cannot live without her. SHe, not being able to understand any of my actions or feelings for her should not live this way. I am so depressed and frustrated. I can only feel being done with life will be the only way she can be happy. THat way she can blame the enite marriage on my insanity and of no fault of her own. If she tries to rescue me from add and depression she will only hurt herself and the kids more. I want to spare her the pain.
For all those that are out there, just know that there are husbands who try to love you, try to do the right thing, try to make your life better. It just comes out wrong. Either your able to live with that or not. If you aren't move on. Spare your partner the pain. If can, understand where they are coming from. Understand that they are trying to love you but can't love you the way you want to be loved. Help them through. DOn't get mad over the misguided or poorly communicated attempt at love. Just accept it. I am done causing others pain, frustration. and drama. Especially the woman who I love sooo much. Good lcuk
You are not insane
Submitted by Nerdmom920 on
First of all, you are not insane. Everyone has something going on with them that is outside of the ordinary, the test is how you choose to deal with it. As a partner of someone who has ADD, I have to say that your wife has more than likely stayed with you because she does love you and knows that you are not trying to hurt her or your children.
That being said, don't just drop out, GET HELP!!!! The thing that is destroying my relationship is the fact that my partner doesn't want to seek help outside of medication that isn't working well anymore, if he's taking it.
When you show her that you are serious about making your marriage work by finding a psychiatrist and therapist that are prepared to help you both with all of your issues, and sticking with it, she will at least have something to hope for.
You prove your commitment by taking charge of yourself and any problems that you may have. Work on solving your problems and you will find that your life will begin to fall in to place.
Also, don't give up on your personal pleasures in an attempt to please only her. That causes the most bitter resentment, I know because I am there.
problem solving
Submitted by brendab on
However, my communication, distractability and laziness causes pain to my wife and family
Skiptheshark,
This sentence caught my eye because you know exactly what issues are causing your family pain.
I also see your own frustration and pain in this post and whatever the interaction is between you and your wife is not working. it sounds like you have "heard" her and neither of you know how to fix this. As an analogy---what should a person do if they suddenly start experiencing chest pains? Do they try to self medicate? Do they go to the doctor and ignore his advice? Do they live with constant stress and worry that they will have a heart attack? What is the wise thing to do in this case? Since you don't have the expertise to heal yourself, then go to an expert and follow his advice.
This is the same kind of advice ADD/NONADD partnerships should take. Recognize that there is a problem and that as hard as you try your effort to treat it isn't working. Face the fact that damage is ongoing and seek out a professional(s) to help you. And then follow that advice to stop the pain and to live a long and healthy emotional life.
Most of the frustration I read on this forum is that people are in denial or so wrapped up in the drama they don't know where to begin to get help. Emotional overload handicaps the rational mind to make good decisions. I've been there and that is why I know. I would encourage you to find an ADD expert in your area and allow them to show you the way before your marriage enters the completely dead zone like mine did.
Brenda
Honey? Is that you??
Submitted by E-Bo on
I'm kidding, you're clearly not my husband, but believe me, he could have written this post . . . almost verbatim.
Let me start by saying thank you for such an open/honest post. It reveals so much for someone like me. It gives me a little better insight into my DHs feelings and reminds me that he does try (at least in his mind). Now, let me enlighten you . . .
If your wife is anything like me (and it sounds like she is), she loves you dearly and she won't leave you probably partially because of the kids, but probably also because she doesn't want to, and is holding out hope that things can/will get better. It sounds like she has reached a point of burn-out and is looking for something . . . anything . . . from you that says that you do care about her. The way this add/non-add dynamic starts to work (at least in my case) is that telling me you love me and think about me all the time doesn't mean much because there are no actions to support it. It is no fun for me if I have to choose every birthday/holiday/anniversary gift myself, or make plans for us on those occassions as well. She feels like you have been married to her long enough for her to not have to "tell you" that she wants to do something for her birthday, and just for future reference, if you got distracted and didn't get the hotel that day, do it the next day, or the next day. I'm sure it will still mean a lot to her that you got it done (whenever you got it done).
Now, the tone of your post concerns me, in the same way my husband concerns me when he starts talking this way. You say before you read this forum, you weren't aware of all the pain you were causing. Well, now you know, and with knowledge comes responsibility, and I know that responsibility is probably not your strongsuit but it's time to toughen up. You are not doing you wife or you kids any favors by giving up on life. Now's your chance to make things better. Get some help, express to your wife that you realize some things now that you didn't before, and tell her how much she and the kids mean to you and then validate that with ACTION! Get some help, seek counsel, pray, do whatever you think might even remotely help the situation. Believe me, anything tangible that she can see you trying to do will make a world of difference.
I know this post may not make much difference in your views (it doesn't for my DH), but I thought I'd at least try. I'm praying for you and for your family . . .
Could have been me
Submitted by richierich on
"I am not done with the relationship. I'm done with life."
Except for the part about being successful at work - even that I'm screwing up.
Some weeks are better; even some months are better. But it's never all better, and it always gets bad again. Eventually, I'm letting her down, I'm disappointing my kids, I'm disgusted with myself. Again. Always again.
At these times, I cost more to my family then I bring in financially. A life insurance payout would have more of a chance of bringing my loved ones what they need and want than I do.
Sad
Submitted by E-Bo on
Wow, these posts really make me sad because I'm certain that's how my husband feels . . .
For SkipTheShark
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
While you can't see it now in your fog of pain, there is really good news - finally, after all these years of not getting it right and struggling you now have a name for WHY - ADHD. That knowledge can/should be a new beginning for you, not an end. With knowledge comes lots of info about how to change your approach. You can learn what to do differently, just as your wife will be able to learn what she can do differently, too. (Expecting/hoping that an untreated ADD person will suddenly be in charge of making detailed arrangements is like setting him up to fail...you're not the only one who has new things to learn here.)
The tone of your note is worrisome. Please find help right away to talk about your feelings and start to get them into perspective. You're a lawyer - you know that sometimes a single piece of infomation can completely change the direction of a case. So it is with a diagnosis of ADD. Seize the moment - things can start to get better now that you've finally gotten what Dr. Hallowell calls a "good news diagnosis". You CAN make things SO MUCH BETTER for both you and your wife, but please get help immediately. In fact, pick up the phone or do an internet search RIGHT NOW to find a good psychiatrist in your area who is familiar with ADD and make an appointment. Please!
Thank you for the Insight....
Submitted by Dreamer on
... I am sure that this is something that my DH could have written.
The thing that caught my attention is “Either your able to live with that or not” and I guess that is where we are right now. I had told DH that I wanted to separate. He suggested that we go to counseling together, and I agreed for a while. In early July, I decided enough was enough, I couldn’t take it anymore.
After I told him I was taking some time and space on my own, he told me that the therapist questioned whether he is ADD/ADHD. He didn’t think a lot about it at the time, but went home and did some research on the internet. At first, and honestly, even now, I am skeptical, although he has made an appointment with his family doctor and has had a referral to a psychiatrist. Part of me wonders, what will change? Will anything change just because it has a name? While he continues with his internet research and awaiting appointments, I have been reflecting and researching on my own. I have come across this site, and have read posts and felt like I am not crazy, that I am not alone. But, for now, I have asked that he still become self-sufficient. I have picked up after him since we were teenagers, and he has never been totally on his own.
Now, I have to figure out whether or not I can live with it….I am open to reconciliation, at least I think I am. I have built a wall around my heart, and am not sure if I am willing to have it battered and bruised again. I am working on establishing a stable place for my daughters and myself, and taking time to discern what the next steps are.