Submitted by Geese on 03/31/2015.
This is my first post (although I did write a reply earlier). I am an undiagnosed adhd male in my second relationship. My wife, a good person by all accounts, has become the same angry, hurtful and physically aggressive person that many of the wives and girlfriends on this forum have become. I, in turn, clearly am the idiot with the same mental illness that the husbands they refer to are. Shockingly, I read through a dozen posts and their comments only to realize how much of an evil bastard I have inadvertently been all this time. Not having friends, being in a strained relationship with my extended family, struggling to keep a job, exasperating every woman I'm with and being a negative influence to every child I would ever sire is clearly what the future holds.
Unfortunately, my wife does not believe in adhd and thinks I'm just some combination of evil, selfish and incompetent. All I need to do is wash the dishes more and save more money and react to things better and be nicer and more attentive and bantery and empathetic and everything will be okay again. I will have earned back intimacy, friendship, employability and my right to be a man in the eyes of others. The truth is, the more I have tried doing one or all of the above, the worse my lot becomes for failing in other areas. The result is always some sort of apocalyptic event: family life improves slightly but I lose my job. My job improves slightly, but I am on the brink of divorce or child hates me.
I am waiting for my first medical appointment where I get meds that hopefully can "turn me into a worthy father, husband and friend". I know that sounds ridiculous, but I need to have faith and I'll give it a couple months.
If they don't work, I will file for divorce for the sake of my family. My wife can live in peace, happiness and freedom. Well at least not war, sadness and slavery like the women in this forum. She can find a real man - which breaks my heart to have to say. But look at me: most men without my screwed up brain would be a better husband and step-dad to our kid than I could be anyway (I'll still support them of course, luckily I make a decent salary. I can keep a job without an issue if I focus on it to the exclusion of everything else).
Hopefully that does not have to happen. But there is no way I am going to allow my wife and child to endure more than a season more of my evil madness. Why should they waste their lives on behalf of my soon to be diagnosed insanity?
good job !
Submitted by coco8712 on
wow good job sir ! i think you are going to be okay you at least acknowledge what your doing wrong and how this is effecting your family. NOW just stop or find techniques to help and that work for you. it is very hard on us that deal with the outcome of ADHD i wish my bf said this to me or confessed . most adhd are blind to what the storm they cause and arent disturbed by it but you are very kind and have a chance. dont give up try to control it mind over matter becareful about pills my bf got stuck on them now thats another issue . pray get involved with famil friends again and your wife the frienship and appreciate her . and value you family for putting up with your mess. they love you good luck
Thanks Coco
Submitted by Geese on
My Friends Thought the Same
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
In speaking to my friends about my situation, they all felt the same... that ADHD was just an "excuse" and it's just a blanket scapegoat for bad behavior. Before I started researching support forums like this, and reading up on a few books, I really had no idea how much more there is to it, even tho I had previously been in a relationship with another ADHDer (the "7 Types of ADHD" article at http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10858.html was a real eye opener... I recognized a lot of these traits!)
The fact is, you're acknowledging that you have an issue, and you are willing to work on fixing it. Just like in any other endeavor, even losing weight, it would be nice if everyone was on board and supportive of your efforts. You can try to coax her into therapy with you (with someone who specializes in ADHD) or perhaps provide her with some reading material in hopes she'll understand, but in the meantime, keep moving forward in trying to be better... even if its on your own.
Don't give into the negative thinking that they'd be better off without you, etc... because that is just negative thinking taking hold. My former bf admitted he looked at everything in a negative light, which is probably why he always thought I wanted to leave him (I didn't) or he would get into funks where he thought he annoyed me, I didn't like him, I never thought about him, etc.... which was nowhere near the truth. Even when people say hurtful things, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you or don't care... it's just that they've been frustrated and it is coming from a place of hurt. Their opinion will change slowly as they have more positive interactions with you : )
Thanks Jenna
Submitted by Geese on
To what everyone else is
Submitted by AlmaVera on
To what everyone else is saying, I'd also add that some of the feelings you're expressing right now might be alleviated once you do start treatment. If you start finding yourself able to think a little more clearly or concentrate or whatever due to a med, you may well find that you will be able to take advantage of a lot of the tips, therapies, and tools that are out there for people with ADHD. Seeing improvement starting alone might help you feel more hopeful about your future. Once you receive proper treatment, you may very well notice that you don't have to choose between focusing on your job OR focusing on your family. If you've been reading here, you know that meds alone are not going to solve everything. Most likely, like other people not diagnosed til adulthood (myself included), you've established some behaviors or skills to try to compensate for your symptoms. That's why you'll probably also need to get a good therapist with ADHD experience who can help you with things you may have been told you're having trouble with, such as empathy or establishing emotional connections. Just a coach to teach you how to be better organized may not be enough.
Clearly, you are not evil, or you wouldn't give a poop about what effect your ADHD was having on your wife or child. But it sounds like the symptoms have been having a pretty serious effect. It's not going to turn around overnight. Your wife is going to need time to trust that things are really improving. Having to wait for results is often hard for someone with ADHD. That's why I'm going to suggest that you do this for YOU, first and foremost, rather than for your family. You can make small goals for yourself to reach, and reward yourself when you reach them. Reach out to others with ADHD for support -- they do believe it's real and will be able to cheer you on. Eventually, she will see. But you won't be waiting for her to notice before you have some positive reinforcement, especially if she doesn't believe in ADHD. That would most likely work against you. If you had diabetes or heart disease or cancer, would you deny yourself treatment if she didn't believe in those, too? Whether she believes in it or not doesn't really matter.
The good news is that the human brain can be trained to unlearn old behaviors and to learn new ones. It takes time, repetition, patience, and most of all, will. You're taking the first steps. Don't give up.
It's Not as Bad as You Think Geese
Submitted by kellyj on
"The good news is that the human brain can be trained to unlearn old behaviors and to learn new ones. It takes time, repetition, patience, and most of all, will. You're taking the first steps. Don't give up." AV
This is very true. Everyone has to start somewhere but starting is what you need to do or it never will feel different and you will keep going the same as you know now. But it doesn't have to be that way. ADHD unlike many other disorders you could name is one of a few that you actually do something about.
But first...you need to change a couple of things to start with and that starts with your own misconceptions and negative self talk ( even in your head without saying it)
a. your not evil. I've met some evil people in my life and the one thing they all have in common is that they never will admit that they are. The fact that you say you are is proof in itself that you are NOT.
b. ADHD is not the same as mental illness....even by the book technically speaking. Your embellishing only because it feels that way to you now. ADHD is not in the category of having hallucinations and a break with reality like schizophrenia or psychosis...but more importantly to this. You need to stop beating yourself up. Your the one doing most of the damage to yourself by using these definitions and they simply aren't true. You are far from being alone.
c. This line of thinking is the very thing that is causing you to behave in way that other people don't find attractive. No one likes someone is always talking themselves down. It's the extreme opposite of someone who is a pompous boorish braggart who thinks his shit doesn't stink. Other's don't respond well to that either. Neither one is going to win you points with other people but usually the arrogant conceited ones usually don't care what others think so at least you can simply give yourself a break and stop trying to convince the rest of the world that you are worthless and no good which is simply not true. Again..this comes through in the things you've said and it clear that you are a decent person. You don't need to make other's believe that you are not.
d. ADHD is not who you are inside. It does not have to define you. Look at it like an unwelcome guest who you need to kick out of the house because they are creating problems for you....but YOU are still the person you are whether it is there or not. It's more like an appendage that needs to be surgically removed rather your entire body.
One of the biggest issues we have ( myself included ) is simply getting organized and getting started. Get past that one feature and you will begin to improve once you leave the starting gate.
Good luck and give yourself a break. It's hard to get started when you don't feel like it but it is exactly what you need to do. One step at a time.
J
Getting organized, started
Submitted by Geese on
Geese
Submitted by kellyj on
I encourage you to try and stay positive as I was inferring. Each one of those things you (and I ) mentioned really are challenging. A couple of things that might help is to break things down in size and look at each one as a single challenge. I have to do this or things start to get overwhelming in a hurry. If that happens...back off and try it again. I know how easy it is to immediately start going to the negative side of things instead of staying positive which is what is going to keep you consistent in your efforts.
The one thing that registered with me in something that you said was having different negative events in your life set you back or create obstacles in your way......include what you just mentioned about getting side tracked even once you start doing things. I can't tell you how common and typical this behavior is for me and everyone else who has ADHD from what I've read and learned. You've just identified the place where things start to go wrong....and in a very real way if you stand back and look at both things I said...life events setting you back.....and getting side tracked ( even doing house chores ).....it really is the same thing and coming from the same issue we have. Starting to get negative and feeling poorly at those moments is the very thing that will get you starting down the wrong path in your head. That's why I was saying it was so important to stop beating yourself up and change those words about yourself. It is true that other people will access you if you keep doing it which only makes the people who love you frustrated and feel helpless to doing anything for you...that is more of what I meant when it is unattractive..more about trying to bring people closer to you instead of pushing them away for your own benefit as well as theirs.....
But that thinking by itself (taking everyone else out of the picture) will really cause trouble for you and keep you stuck in the place your in now....as you said it...being able to pivot and come back renewed. It happens in little ways and in big ways and this really is part of having ADHD. This is one of the parts that you CAN stop and change and it will help to remind you that it is just simply something we do. It isn't a life sentence. And ...it works both ways! If you get on a roll in the other direction....you can use this to keep yourself motivated and keep track of the success as they come. You can't stop this thing in your head from happening but you can use it to your advantage.
This is just one thing you can do and a place to start keeping track of ...once you get use to seeing how often and where you do this in other ways, I think you will begin to notice the same thing I am saying to you now. The first step is to begin to notice it.....that's half the battle. Once you see it...each time you can say to yourself "NO" ( no negative thoughts)....and then move on and go in another direction. Like I said. It will never stop happening all together ( and with that some moments you will not succeed) but you will have control of it more and more and it will become a choice rather than it controlling you. When you start doing this.....I can't tell you how much better you will feel. Your expectations of yourself will begin to change with this and everything will begin to feel easier and less globally devastating (and paralyzing) to your outlook in a negative way.
Stay positive my friend. Just say "NO" to negative thinking. You can do it! Work off your successes and don't let the times you don't send you into a tail spin.....it's not the end of the world if that happens either. Just keep plugging at it. Improvements will come the more you practice and just remind yourself...your not the only person like this...you have plenty of company. lol
This will also help to remind you that this is your own personal battle not your wife or anyone else's. If other people contribute to it while you're actually trying to work on it.....do the same thing with them....inside your head say "NO"....I'm not going to let someone else get me started thinking negatively and keep me from doing what I know I should be doing.
It takes practice and awareness to do this but it's like anything else. The more you practice at it...the better and easier it becomes. Just keep at it.
J
Thanks Alma
Submitted by Geese on
Geese, thank you for your post
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm SO GLAD you posted and explained what's happening in your life, and also empathize with the heartache and struggles you've been having. I give you a lot of credit for owning your ADHD and making such an effort to work in altering your behavior and how you interact with your family, others and yourself. CHEERS
Some of the angry, bitter wives you mentioned that you read about here....... are usually ones that have lived with their ADHD husband for many, many years, and their husbands WON'T face their condition, or the damage the co-morbid conditions have had on themselves and their loved ones. Or, they weren't diagnosed and treated for many years, and the fallout was too much for everyone involved to handle. But, I think it had more to do with "other things" than with the ADHD by itself.
I wish my husband had done what you are doing now. We would have started on OUR healing journey much sooner, instead of almost 32 years later. I still wish he would talk out loud (like you're doing) about the condition and how we could manage together in our healing and a better life. But, it's one day at a time, and I have to let a lot of things go, and much left unsaid, and unsettled, to be able to move in any direction. But, that's just us.
Here's wishing you a much better life. Please I wish you didn't feel that you had to LEAVE your family for them to get better. They could benefit from your own healing and your new grasp of things, as long as you don't expect too much from them too soon. It does take time.:) Prayers and Hugs to you today.
Thanks Dedelight
Submitted by Geese on
Geese, totally agree with your statement
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled is convincing the world he doesn't exist. "
This is very, very true. And, it's even sadder that he's convinced so many that God Almighty doesn't exist either, when the scriptures even say the demons tremble and believe. God is good, but time is short and the day of the coming of Jesus is near.
Prayers for you and your family,
Dede
Thanks Dede
Submitted by Geese on
You are on the right track...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You acknowledge that you have a problem. You are acknowledging that something you're doing is affecting employability, parent/child relationships, spousal relationships....
You are head and shoulders above most ADHDers who either refuse that they have a problem or they blame all their troubles on others.
Find yourself an expert on ADHD and move forward. Find ways and tools to help you stay on track...lists, schedules, routines, whatever.
Many ADHDers are chronically late. If that applies to you, then always add 30-45 minutes to your "get ready" time. This will allow for "life's hiccups"....traffic, needing to get gas, finding something, etc.
Develop routines....like always putting your wallet and keys in ONE spot. Keep a "hide a key" hidden under your car in case you lock your keys in your car (and always immediately put the key back in it's hide a key spot before getting into your car (this was a trick I learned when I had little ones).
Great tips overwhelmed wife
Submitted by Geese on
A suggestion sent with a warm heart
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Good luck Geese. All the supportive comments about self-knowledge being the crucial first step sound right, yes?
May I just add, with love in my heart, that meds are a tremendous help, but they are not the endpoint...rather, diagnosis and medication can help you be able to do the real work in therapy and possibly with a coach/support person. From my perspective living among so many ADHD-ers, it's important to avoid the trap of thinking meds will fix everything. And equally important to realize that, as long as it took for things to get so messed up--that's at least how long it'll take to make amends, understand some of what happened, and find the best coping strategies to help you function in the future.
You can make the changes you need. You can. I'm watching my youngest son face all this with courage while other ADHDers refuse. He tells me again and again that going to a school for ADHD kids has taught him that personality and ADHD are two separate things. Some kids work on their challenges, some use the diagnosis as an excuse when they lose patience with the process, with the work ahead of them. And some he says, are just jerks, and probably would be with or without ADHD. But you don't sound like one of them.
I'm probably one of the voices here that you'd label angry and bitter. Here's a CosmicJoke--I'm known as an especially kind, "live and let live" person. Really. That's part of what got me in such a pickle. My spouse went undiagnosed his entire adult life, and his family had the means to rationalize their ADHD destructiveness over several generations. Without a diagnosis, without treatment, my spouse developed the best coping skills he could. Alas, those "skills" turned a big-hearted guy into a self-medicating man who has gotten so used to lying and rationalizing, that it's hard for him to rethink how to live at this point.
You don't have to be like these spouses. You are your own person. You'll never be perfect--not because of ADHD, but because you are human. But you can make the changes if you don't give up...if you go to therapy and take the meds and tell yourself you won't even consider giving up until you've done the work for a few years.
And everything you share here...do make sure you express it to that woman you love, too...yes?
Brilliant post, CJ. And your
Submitted by AlmaVera on
Brilliant post, CJ. And your son sounds like he has inherited your wisdom.
Thumbs up
Submitted by Geese on
Geese, you are not alone.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi Geese,
I have adult ADHD as well. I recognize your pain. It is unbelievably difficult to keep all the balls in the air, and not to drop some very important ones. Family, work, home maintenance, and friends are all difficult to balance in terms of time-management. I still struggle with this, but it has gotten better, and in the past month I've made significant gains. More on that later.
Medication does help A LOT, but don't count on it to solve all your problems. "Pills don't teach skills," as the saying goes. Know that it will be a non-linear process and trial-and-error. I can tell you the things that helped me, but we are all different and all must find our path.
You are not evil. If you were, you would not be on this site, revealing your struggle and asking for help for what you family has gone through. How painful to know that your neurology has caused the people whom you love the most so much pain; I do understand that. It is insanely stressful and to not know how to solve the problem just adds to the pain. You work to support them, which is far more than the spouses of some on this site.
Here are some things that have helped me tremendously. They are in no particular order, because that is not how I think ;) :
Additude magazine podcasts (free on iTunes) l listen while I do chores or workout. I really enjoyed a recent one on procrastination. It talks about self-forgiveness and how that is necessary to move forward; that procrastination is frequently coupled with shame for those of us with ADHD. It keeps me in problem-solving mode, rather than in self-denigration mode, and honestly, that's far more helpful and productive. It sounds as though you are filled with that shame we with ADHD frequently carry; it's worth a listen.
The more I read about ADHD, the more ADHD-friendly my decision-making is. I understand the time issues, though, so podcasts are portable. Yard work, commutes, and during chores are great times to listen if that's easier.
Knowing and embracing the fact that in order to accomplish the same task, I must apply myself completely differently from a non-ADHD person. I do so without shame and without apology. You will learn what that means for you over time. If you are stubborn about it and insist on using the same approach as an admired neurotypical person, prepare to accept failure. It's not your fault you were born this way, but it is your job to solve it. That means thinking outside the box. But you never thought in the box, right? So GO THERE to solve your problems. :) There is a place in the world for our type of thinking. ADHD stinks, but your solutions don't have to.
Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD: helped me learn how to make the decisions on what to throw away and what to keep, and how to make those decisions quickly. Also great with organizational logic and how organization make look different for a person with ADHD. Being realistic about what you can maintain is freeing, and helps you make more sensible decisions about the HOW of organizing. No other book has touched this one in terms of helping me organize my belongings.
Brili app: O.K. This is a new app for kids with ADHD. My son has been using it, and I decided I would as well. It is amazing. Best app ever. The combination of the book I just mentioned and this app are taking me to the next level. I have such. significant. issues. with. time-management. The president of the company has a son with ADHD, so he gets us, which is rare. I love this app so much I can't tell you. You enter in routines, and each task is timed. When you finish a task, you swipe it to the left. It's forcing me to work in consistent patterns, and I'm seeing where I'm making time errors. Soon, it will have a time optimization feature, so you can actually SEE on a graph where your mistakes are. Again, here is my lack of shame. It is a kids apps. Who cares? Not me. It works.
I understand the struggle!
ADHDMomof2
Hey ADHDMom I am just in
Submitted by Geese on
Hi momof2
Submitted by c ur self on
I Love this post...I wish my wife could read it :)...I would copy it to an email and send it to her....But, I kind of know what the response would be...I'm really not the person to best share it...LOL....
Now if you two met on a grocery store isle...and started sharing life experiences...She would gush all over you:) anyone but me!...Ha Ha....
C
Thanks for the tips, Momof2
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I'm also just starting to look at my own life through an ADHD lens, and I recently had a bit of a set-back in my recovery from a concussion. I'm a single mom with my son here half-time. He has at least some EF issues himself. Like you, I find myself trying to be more realistic about what I can do, not what I think I should be able to do if I was someone else. I'm determined not to use it as a way to shirk responsibility. If anything, I'm hoping that the more I learn and the more things I discover that are out there to help folks with ADHD, that my life will get better. Feeling like I'm always behind and never able to do what I feel I should be able to do has been exhausting.
I also listen to the ADDitude podcasts. One simple thing I heard about on a podcast that helped me feel better was to make a 'to-done' list each day. It helped me to see that I really do get a lot more done than I thought, and that just made me more motivated. :)
Unfortunately, though, it seems that some of the best-reviewed ADHD apps are for iPhones only, not Android. :( But I do agree with you about using a kid app -- actually the simpler, the better, lol.
One of the books that has helped a lot with the process of seeing yourself differently after a diagnosis is "Journeys Through ADDulthood" by Sari Solden.
quick response
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I just got back from grocery shopping, but wanted to let you know that brili works on Android as well, even though it is marketed for Apple.
You're Not Insane Or An Idiot
Submitted by lonelyspouse on
Are you serious about divorcing your wife if your meds don't work? Did she say that's what she wants?
One of my biggest problems with my ADHD husband is that he thinks he has the right to make decisions for everyone in the family and does not bother to even ask us what we want or need- he wants to tell us how things will be. Please- don't make that same mistake in your marriage. Your wife may not believe in ADHD, but has she been presented with information about it? Try to get her to go with you to see your doctor and have them educate her on what ADHD is and how it affects you and your relationships.
If you are serious about getting help, there should be no reason you need to lose your family and think so poorly of yourself. If you had cancer, would you think less of yourself? Mental disorders deserve to be treated as any other illness- with respect and care. As long as you take it seriously and commit to doing your part, there is no reason to feel ashamed or unworthy of your family. Hang in there!
Lonelyspouse, I laughed at
Submitted by Geese on
You don't need to choose over
Submitted by Loglyn on
You don't need to choose over work or your family. I can't speak for your wife but as the wife of an undiagnosed, in the dark man and the mother of a diagnosed 7 year old boy, I can honestly say that I hate feeling the way I do towards my spouse! I hate being angry, resentful and having to micromanage him to get any help. I already have to do that with our child. ADHD is a treatable condition as long as the person is willing to go down that road. ADHD minds have a lot of brilliance in them it just needs some fine-tuning to not hyper focus on one thing for so long. To be a well functioning adult/parent/partner you have to find ways to spread your focus around. My husband has lost our son in public, forgot to give him mess, feed him, homework all those routine things that kids need because he is hyper focused on some other task. It doubles my work load, makes me worry when I go to work. My husband will not acknowledge anything is wrong or his fault. He doesn't even understand our son and thinks it's just a discipline problem. Best of luck to you on your journey of healing and trying to find balance in your life.
Thanks Loglyn. Its so odd
Submitted by Geese on
Geese
Submitted by Loglyn on
Geese
i have tried many things to get through to him unfortunately for now he is in denial. He has ALL of those symptoms and they became more noticeable when our son was around 2 and we began to question if our little guy had autism. It's also when I started thinking my husband had a real problem as opposed to just being a narcissistic douche. Although it's hard to differentiate between the two when he is shutting us out for weeks at a time and I catch him cheating. I honestly stay at this point because I have invested 20 years into my marriage instead of a bank and I can't afford to take care of my kids without his income. I still love him, always will, he's my family. But there is so much anger and resentment between us both. I am always hopeful in the back of my mind that he will figure out what's going on with himself and get it taken care of.