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by: Swedish coast -
That is very well put. I sense you have a wealth of experience behind it. Everything you wrote applies to our marriage exactly, except one thing. He did show so much affection, and he was so intent on being emotionally supportive of me. For decades, and despite his severe dysfunction. If he hadn’t been, it would be a lot easier to move on to a new life.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: adhd32 -
Forgiveness is done for you by you. You accept that they are incapable of being the person you need. You stop wishing and hoping things were different and accept that they have extreme limitations. These limitations will forever prevent them from changing enough to meet your minimum expectations for a good partner. And that is okay, you are allowed to have standards for how you want to live and be treated. It is just that for whatever reason, they are incapable of changing their behavior and fight...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: c ur self -
Chaos is what I hear when reading your post...My now ex wife (just divorced after 17 years) was high level ADD...I would like to point out a few things, hopefully without offending you...(definitely not my intention)...Nothing I'm going to say here exonerates your husband from his role and responsibilities... One) nothing in the home will ever work correctly (and you two have a load of responsibilities) if the marriage isn't the first priority (each other)...It's never me and him...That is...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is a good thought, C. Forgiving the past doesn’t mean allowing things in the future. I’ll carry it with me.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: c ur self -
To truly seek forgiveness from someone is an honorable thing...But, it has nothing to do with the future, or any other event...When we feel we need to ask someone to forgive us, it's always about what has taken place in the past...If someone decides to ask for forgiveness, (over a year later) only seeking to create a an opportunity for self, (strings attached) well??...A good way to tell if it's sincere is to hear it, tell them thank you, and tell them you forgive them if it's in your heart to do so...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
To be honest, as non-ADHD, I often failed to perceive how hard my ADD ex worked. I was so caught up in my frustration about his symptoms. I felt so excruciatingly everything he didn’t do, how he let me down, how he isolated us, that his honest attempts to contribute passed me by unnoticed. I think this is a perception problem. Both you and your partner seem to struggle hard without rewards. I’ve lived this too. It’s demoralizing. Neither can validate the other or feel it’s fair. I’m...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: Swedish coast -
My ex wanted to help, but was often unable. However, he did one valuable thing, which was to support the idea of chores for the kids. We started it when the youngest was about seven, and it applied to all the children equally, starting at the same time. Their task was to do dishes and tidy up the kitchen, take trash out, after breakfast and lunch every day there was no school. They needed to each do a fair share. This worked so well, in fact it still holds five years later. It’s something...>>> on Forum topic - Keeping kids on track?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is so comforting. No more bending to his terms. I’m so grateful for your answer. Hope you’re well!>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's fine that he's in a place where he wants to apologize. But that doesn't mean that you have to be in that same place at the same time. Part of leaving him is never having to do things on his terms again. You get to decide whether to hear him out at all and if you do, you get to decide what you believe and how to move forward. Sending hugssss!>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
I will do as you suggest. I won’t accept his apology. It certainly is too early, and especially as he doesn’t understand the offense. I’ve been trying to point out his actions and what he’s said exactly. He doesn’t dwell on anything specific, but texts vaguely that he’s sorry he’s ’used harsh words’ and ’been quiet’. Sorry to be harsh here in my turn, but sometimes I feel he’s stupid. How can an highly educated adult not understand their actions make positions, that they are choosing a set...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Mrs. Lollygag -
I completely validate your feelings. I try using radical acceptance with my ADHD spouse which works, in my opinion, only for forgetfulness, undone chores, and the kind. I'm not going to accept his behavior when he's an emotional moody mess or when his communication is lacking and his brain thinks being mean and causing conflict is the answer. I walk. I hear you about the "happily married" and the damage you feel. I can not happily attend weddings, read love stories, or celebrate couples'...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for your kind reply. Acceptance, radical acceptance, I rather thought was a way of coming to terms with something? I do understand you though, of course nobody should accept being treated badly. But there it is. There’s not much I can do. I don’t really know how to handle an apology, it seems he has a very vague picture of what he’s done. I may just feel provoked by a lame effort to excuse himself. I’m falling through the cracks of my own tiredness, looping thoughts...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: c ur self -
Many KNOW they aren't capable of the consistent behavior it takes to have a peaceful life with a spouse....Many might not can own it, (talk openly about it) so the next best thing in their mind (even if they use blame as outlet) is to just abandon the person before the vow's...You should just recover, accept it...One day when your emotions are back to normal, you probably will be able to see it as a blessing...Wanting the best for others is never wanting them to take on a role they could never fill...>>> on Forum topic - Break up with ADHD partner
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by: c ur self -
We all have or had unique situations... There is hope when there is ownership and communication...Hopelessness only comes in denial and justification of intrusive and abusive behaviors... We feel you pain...>>> on Forum topic - How to let him experience the consequence of his actions?
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by: Off the roller ... -
We hear ya. And understand. There's a massive level of grief work that us nons have to do as part of this. It's so hard. But if I can suggest: try not to get too bogged down when u read comments from over a year ago. Try to read only the present stuff bc it gets real depressing real fast in these comments and blogs. Very fast and u don't realise how it affects you until later on. Take care of yourself. Its so hard.>>> on Forum topic - How to let him experience the consequence of his actions?
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by: Mrs. Lollygag -
I feel that an apology would be appropriate and you can consider accepting that (doesn't mean his actions have or may change) but forgiveness is an internal, personal, emotional process. Trust is an altogether different, HUGE matter. Trust is earned. Please don't accept his treatment of you, that diminishes your reality and you're valued, I'm sure of it! If you sense he is manipulating you, he probably is, whether intentional or not. Your civility toward him will return when you've had time and...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Shellbell -
After reading only 1percent of these posts, I've came to the conclusion, that these people should not be aloud to marry. It seems all they do is cause misery. Sorry about the harshness. But I came here hoping for a magic cure-all. And now all I can do is cry for myself and him. I just want to feel normal again, with a normal husband. I used to be happy. I hate feeling like I'm a nag, a mother. I want to be a wife. I want to be cherished and respected. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself but I do. I...>>> on Forum topic - How to let him experience the consequence of his actions?
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by: Shellbell -
Your story felt so real to me. I have tried what you have accomplished. How you just don't let it bother you, don't take it personally, and you basically live your best single life for you. But it only lasts for less than a week and I'm so lonely inside for a real partner I cave. I wish I could hurt him like he's hurt me, but what's the point he wouldn't even notice it. Wish I married a real man>>> on Forum topic - Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
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by: LostinTucson -
I cried reading your post. I could have written it. I am so done yet so trapped. I think I actually hate my husband right now but can’t get my stupid arse to get out.>>> on Forum topic - Radical acceptance
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by: c ur self -
Yes, we can get them there, but, no we cannot make them accept the effects of their reality on others...Especially a spouse... I could write a lot about how friends, co-workers and even children get to experience a different person than the spouse...But I want... Most of us aren't willing to hand over a list of things that they need to work on...Most of us aren't willing to place demands on them...I did, but, all it lead to was my divorce...Which I knew to begin with, and is the reason, I...>>> on Forum topic - Protecting Myself
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