Forum topic: Adhd or not: losing perspective as to when to give up

Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 6:52am by lululove

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
Yes my spouse has add. Yes he is taking a med which can give him a weird flat affect sometimes. We've gone to counseling and it just made him angrier. He states more often about how he does not love me, but then will say it back to me if I say it first. I do love him - after almost 30 years. So do the kids, and he they. But over the last couple of years, It seems that with this new diagnosis of adhd, his symptoms have gotten way worse as has his anger impulsivity. He has not done it recently but his physical aggression agst me has gotten worse. His verbal and emotional abuse can be horrible. We can be intimate one moment and immediately he disappears and upon return, says he was just getting F**ked by someone. Horribly crude and rude comments making me feel degraded. I am sick and afraid, and this is not normally me (though I can barely remember who that is anymore). Does it even matter if he has adhd or just that he is so mean and occasionally cruel. I want the man I love back on a regular basis, I dont understand why he is doing this. I know how it sounds... Pathetic, and there is no one I can talk to anymire it seems without triggering pity, a scolding, or my friends quick and utter disappearance (too heavy to talk about). I feel very alone except for the kids. And I am really tryong to keep It together for them. Am I fooling myself that this will work out?! I just feel so lost. Whats best for the kids? For me? For my husband?

Comments

Submitted by YYZ on Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 8:04am

You have worked really hard to try and understand what is going on regarding how ADD affects your families lives. I give you a lot of credit and pats on the back for working to keep your family together :)

As the ADDer, I have seen good days and bad days, since my diagnosis just over two years ago, and have come to realize that many of our issues were not really due exclusively to my ADD. I know some of my behaviors certainly contributed to the problems and I have been working hard to improve in these areas. I know my DW has seen changes in me and it probably took some adjusting to, would the improvements last? I am the same guy basically, but also quite different since removing myself from the oblivious ADD fog. ADD is my condition and my DW has battled depression that come with dealing with childhood traumas and all the stress that comes with marriage, parenthood and the corporate world. So we each have owned our weaknesses and time seems to be helping in the re-building of trust in our relationship, along with a little better communication from me. This alone must be a shock for my DW to deal with... She used to have to handle both sides of our arguments. I'm not really sure what has happened to us lately, but things are beginning to level out for us and life is starting to feel a little more "Normal" and it feels good. I hope this keeps building, because it has been a long time since it has felt this way. 

As for giving up... I think it comes down to how we treat each other, regardless of our conditions that each of us have to deal with on a daily basis. Abusive behavior is unacceptable in my opinion, no matter the root cause. There seem to be angry people on both sides of the ADD relationship, but if both people in the relationship are not working to let go of the anger and move on for the greater good, the alternative is the never ending roller coaster cycle. I hope things improve for you :)


 

YYZ

Submitted by lululove on Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 8:47pm

Thanks yyz. Yes thats key- both people in a relationship need to try. Period. It can be add, depression, low self esteem, bipolar, odd, anger issues, poor coping mechanisms, codependence... Pick ONE or 2 or 3.... The thng is it does not matter in the end if one or both people are miserable. I have been feeling degraded, ashamed... So so tired.

Submitted by YYZ on Sat Jul 2nd, 2011 - 1:47am

Keep your chin up... You should not feel ashamed for working hard to keep your family together. There are a bunch of supporters out here to lean on.


 

YYZ

Submitted by SherriW13 on Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 10:33am

I will answer your questions from my own non-ADHD perspective..

1. what is best for the kids is to get them out of the chaotic and unhealthy environment where their father is out running all over town, coming home and sometimes being physically violent to their mother...and others just being downright mean. We fool ourselves, somehow, into thinking that somehow, someway the kids are OK. They aren't. I have living proof of that in my daughter. The main reason I'm not desperate to leave at this point is because we are not fighting for the most part (NEVER in front of her) but I have made a promise to myself and by God I will keep it..if it ever gets to that point again, we will separate. I will not put my children through that again. If he's getting enough sleep, he's usually quite friendly and nice to everyone. If he pulls an all nighter (working..in the den) we avoid him like the plague. I know it isn't ideal...but it is better than the constant fighting and drinking and laying out all night like he used to do. It got physical one time...in the 14 years we've been together...us wrestling over a cell phone...and my baby girl is STILL afraid to go anywhere and leave me alone with him if he's 'in a bad mood' she is terrified he will hurt me. I am NOT afraid of him AT ALL. What that did to her, I am beyond ashamed of myself for. NEVER again. Please don't pretend that your children aren't being brutalized by his behaviors...they are...even if not directly.

2. what is best for you is that you find peace in your life and you make your home as calm and happy as possible. If you cannot do this with him there (and God knows I couldn't manage it if my husband were doing what yours is...and there was a time when he did ALL of it...short of the physical violence) then you need to make him leave. When I asked my husband to leave in Sept of 09 it was very hard, but he was behaving in a way that was more painful than him leaving...drinking, never being home if I was, laying out all night, lying about staying with his dying mother, treating me like absolute garbage...so the lesser of two evils was to make him leave.

3. what is best for him is up to him to decide..but at this point, he's not considering anyone but himself...his ADHD is so out of control that he cannot see past his own nose...so this is where what is best for you and your children comes first. His drinking is most likely making his ADHD much worse...I know it does my husband's. He is the most evil, nasty person after he drinks (not while, but the next day). He needs to hit rock bottom.

You have to reach your limit...and your limit should be reached a lot quicker when considering the damage being done to your children. I know that I would walk away for the sake of my children a lot quicker than I would walk away for my own sanity.

Submitted by YYZ on Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 11:24am

I have felt from the beginning of my treatment that drinking was a BAD idea. My Adderall has had such a good affect on my behavior and when I drink I feel like I'm going straight back to ADD-Land and I don'y like it. I may have a beer or two in a social setting, but that's about it. Alcohol does not seem to go well with ADD. Before I knew about my ADD, I learned a long time ago that my worst behavior happened when I was drinking heavily. Imagine all the ADD traits, bad time-awareness, low self esteem, living in the now and so on... Alcohol makes these all worse and adds the lovely traits of being drunk too.

Sherri... You are so right about the kids. I was never violent or a drunk, but I used to get mad and yell more and for that I am so ashamed. I did not yell That often, but that makes it even worse I think because of the contrast. 90% Jekyl and 10% Hide.  We talk about it from time to time about not seeing "Mad Dad" very often anymore. Good riddance to That Guy... 

YYZ

Submitted by lululove on Fri Jul 1st, 2011 - 8:55pm

The "funny" thing is that his bad behavior is almost never in front of kids any more. He may not be here, but his comments tend to be reserved when it is just me and him. He is prideful about that, seeming not to understand that hurting their mom does have a negative effect. Having said that, the younger one idolizes him... And I try not to break down in front of the kids of I can help it. To me, it is not so clearcut...but then like I said... I might be losing perspective... Waiting to see...

Submitted by lululove on Sat Jul 2nd, 2011 - 7:43am

Thank you Sherri, for replying. Yes, for me too- it is so much for the kids, even more than for myself. Early on, up until about two years ago, he was a really attentive dad- soccer games, helping with the scheduling (that I set up, and asked him to do). But then with the work stress, he was around less and less, and became more angry and rebellious... Saying it was all about me being "controlling". Updating to now, he is more apathetic than anything. Removing himself around me. Since coming back home (after long physical separation but still constant presence), he is around enough that kids still go to him. No fear, though they know to "avoid him like the plague" too when he is crashed (ie when I find he has skipped his meds, for example). He takes them out when he is home occasionally, and I might be there too - like a family. I am sucking it up - a lot, for them..but its hard. Up til now I have been thinking that he still does love me (but the add symptoms make it easy for him to disconnect as does overtaking/using the wrong meds. He will talk more since therapy, but this bad behavior is horrible. Am I fooling myself? I don't know... I am not a stupid person but I do have hope, and yes..love. It still seems like my kids are so happy with him around, and our life still has some apparent stability. His nastiness comes after bed time- and most often when we are alone in private conversation.