It's been a while since my last post but I've come on here and there for somw comfort and relevancy....but im stuck guys. Really stuck. Its dawned on me that everyday I'm triggered and it's my husband that triggers me. And to walk through life this on edge is not the life for me at all. I don't want this life anymore. I want a better marriage or I want out. I know this but I cant seem to get myself unstuck...even a little bit. I feel like I'm in quicksand and while I know I'm not supposed to fight against the sand, my own behaviours and triggers and hurt and pain plays up EVERY DAMN DAY for me and I'm shot. Just shot. The irony is that my husband feels the same - exhasted, tired...all of it. I know this bc he says it but i don't even have the guts to speak my truth.
But my body has said enough. My heart is saying enough. My mind is screaming for peace....and I have NO CLUE how to take that first step.
A mutual friend of ours who is one of thr only ones who knows the situation has advised me that my husband confided in him that he was open to marriage therapy, but he's never said a word about it. We are both so avoidant we live separate lives and it's so lonely and makes me want cry for days bc of where I've landed.
My heart aches for myself and also my 11 year old son who sees this. This is what I'm modelling and I don't want to anymore...but I have no idea how to even pull my toe out of thr quicksand.
I have therapy booked tomorrow and I don't even know if that's a good thing or not. My husband and I are on such thin ice. I'll put my hands up, I'm no Ray of sunshine but I'll own my half of this....but he takes ZERO accountability. Absolutely nothing. And that's a trigger too.
The mutual friend suggested that I go find a man and a woman marriage cousellor and then just ask my husband who he prefers....if I'm bring brutally honest with myself, I can't even bring myself to look for a therapist bc my brain goes "well that's more work for us to do like always".
I'm sure my husband is a good man with good intentions....but im so blinded by anger and pain that he's caused (that he won't admit) that it feels like this will never get resolved.
We suck at communication, we arent friends, we have 0 connection and no joy in each other. What am I doing here? But then I have to ask...where the heck could I even go?
It's not a simple "leave" situation although I wonder when i look back on this time if the simple solution would be this very thing that I've put myself.in an internal prison for.
If anyone has any help or guidance but without telling me to just leave, I'd really really appreciate it during this tough time. Both from adhd and nons. Its just a really tough tough moment for me. The fear has gripped me ans I want to shake it loose.
Comments
What would you tell yourself
What would you tell yourself in 10 years if you decided to stay in a marriage with zero connection and zero joy?
It's year 5 atm
Makes me think...im at year 5 now anyways and turning 45 this year and promised myself it wouldn't be like this for another 5 years. But thinking for another 10 years down the line makes me so sad. For myself and my son.
A quick break
I’m sorry Off the Roller.
Do you think perhaps you need a quick break? Just a week away? Perhaps you could go visit a friend or a relative and ask for help with your thoughts?
I’ve been where you seem to be, the reaction from my closest relatives was: you two need a few days apart to cool off and reflect. It was good advice.
Whom can you talk to?
Yeah thinking same
Yeah I'm due some quality me time. I'll get it after easter and I'm gonna enjoy it. I think another thing that helps is taking a step forward...no matter how small.
do something for yourself
Find a therapist - for yourself. You can’t work on a marriage from the place you’re in. I’m not suggesting you ‘work on yourself’; I’m suggesting you work out who you are now,what you want and how you want to live. Then you’ll be in a better position to tackle the rest. You’ll be on more solid ground. Good luck. X
I didn't want to leave either
I didn't want to leave either. I put it off for 10 years, but it was the only actual "solution." Every year I stayed was another year I got sicker and more depressed. Another year my daughter learned from our unhealthy dynamic. Another year my husband couldn't live a happier life too. But I get it. Leaving takes an enormous amount of energy and planning that I couldn't even fathom finding within myself when I felt at my lowest. And I'll be honest - It did get worse before it got better. Leaving is HARD emotionally, especially with a child. It does get better though.
I think what helped for me was finally getting out of sitting in the "in-between." Am I committing to this marriage, even if it's dysfunctional, or do I want to leave?? It took me YEARS to decide. Standing in the middle was torture. Maybe you can commit some time to deciding which way YOU want it to go. And then you'll feel clear on whether you want to throw your remaining energy into therapy with your husband or planning an exit. Once you can start taking small actions either way it really helps. Once I decided I would ultimate leave, what helped me was living like I was single for my remaining year or two of the marriage. I made decisions as though I were already single in terms of social engagements and extra-curriculars for our child, etc. I assumed I wouldn't have his help or support, I assumed he probably wouldn't accompany me, etc. etc. I only committed to what I knew I could commit to. I became focused on MY relationship with my child and stopped worry about his. It really did help, but again, I had finally decided I would be leaving. Doing this while still uncertain was more difficult because resentment and marital expectations were still in the mix.
If you're stuck in the pain of the in-between as I was for years, individual therapy might help you see a clear path forward. The right therapist can really help you see fresh perspectives.
This is it really
I spoke with my therapist on Monday. Was so glad I did. But dang it still hurts and sucks and I know deep down there's some tough things coming along. And I just don't want to face them. At all. But I gotta. Ugh.
Gonna take that time and Space. Therapist even commented that im in survival mode right now...nothing else. I'm tired of survival mode
I can’t imagine what you’re
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Just don’t lose hope. You’re not going to die tomorrow, you can plan for your future outside of this. I keep telling myself that staying is worse than leaving, but that hasn’t exactly worked for me either haha. Stay strong!