Sorry, everyone. I wish I could report more happiness 1,5 years after ADD divorce, but it’s still hard.
How does one rebuild social life after having lost confidence? 15+ years of ADD-associated shame and avoidance, and hundreds of attempts at connection with people who seemed slightly uncomfortable, probably smelling misery, have eroded me. There are very few invitations. How do you find common ground with others when your life has been thwarted by an ADD partner?
He had depression and magnificent social anxiety but also hid it effectively from everyone. Only I knew the shameful truth of our life: together we were socially helpless, and other people took advantage of it to hurt me. It’s changed me from who I was.
I’m afraid of everything socially now. Of being too nice and seeming desperate. Of being boastful by mistake. Of boring somebody. Of not being able to listen well enough and ask the right follow up questions. Of being hurt.
At work it’s the same thing. I’ve been there ten years and have enjoyed many good moments with people, but also felt a lot of dread. Of being disliked, or dismissed in hierarchies I don’t quite understand. Many colleagues are friends outside work and for me that has always seemed impossible. Like I’m encapsulated in my strange predicament. I fail to imagine what life is to others, and they can’t understand me.
For many years, the only people I’ve been able to see privately have been close personal friends.
Possibly the social insecurity is the worst residue of my marriage.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Comments
The math ain't math-ing
Oh Swedish, I'm so sorry. it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and sorrow but I came on here (after a small break when heavy stuff has hit thr fan) to lend some support in (hopefully) a way that might give you some resolve and maybe some additional perspective?
1.5 years is a packet of kool-aid in the ocean compared to the 15+ years that you've endured - and yes I mean endured. And I don't want you to feel like it's never going to change but I've been following your story and you HAVE been making so much good progress!!!! Instead of saying sorry (which in this case you have nothing to apologise for and it sounds like ur still placing or taking on more blame than what is yours to own), I think you should be nurturing that little.inner child of Swedish and keep going in the direction that yo are going - which is freedom from the 15 years that you survived.
You said it all above yourself: your ex did a great job of performing and masking for over a decade. So why are you berating yourself for not being happy or have further progress after only 1.5 years???!?!?! You've only had a small amount of time compared to what you've endured and in my humble opinion....you've made SO MUCH PROGRESS in that short amount of time! You've gotten out, that is key. You have more control than ever about your life. I belive your kids ages lend themselves well to standing on their own more and more each day (which is tough, I know but we must let them) and now its time - and you ARE doing thr work- to look after Swedish (you). But Rome wasn't built in a day.
I've had an interesting few weeks to say the least, I'll share soon but I've learned that patience and sitting in thr hard is not a strong point but that means I know what to work on.and it occurs to me when your a NON like us and have been in a hard, long term setting with an Adhd-er, it has its effects and man, are they hard to change! It's about changing thr steering of a massive rickety old pirate ship at sea, we arent driving speed boats here. Its a change in course and navigation of something that was going in the wrong direction for a loooooong time. And it sounds like you're doing the right things, you've taken the steering wheel, cleaned the boat but it takes time to course correct.
You've got this.
Thank you Off the Roller
I truly don’t see this myself so your time and perspective reasoning is extremely helpful. The koolaid! The pirate ship!
Time while I potter about trying to recover perhaps will help in itself.
I know you are going through very hard times, so I’m moved you take time to post this.
Hoping you are well.
Stress of overthinking...
We do a LOT of mental damage to ourselves when we continue to overthink painful, if not hopeless, life situations...(I've been an expert at it!) Take your last post for example...Fear & dread about the birthday party....After the fact, relief to the point of happiness...Let go of the past, and let go of your perfectionist mindset (I'm just like you) and you will start healing...But, it's so hard to let it go (for any of us) unless w/ replace it with something...Change up your habits, pursue time with a safe close friend whom you trust...Go to the beach! Have some fun! Limit your time on this site...(These are just suggestion, I hope you know I just want you to be happy!)
My friend and I have been seeing each other two or three time a week to walk, and sharing meals, and conversation...I've received more kindness and attention in the past 6 weeks than I have in years and years...When we are walking, I don't even think my feet are touching the ground...I'm planning on going this week to buy roman blinds for my washroom (painting and remolding my house one room at a time) she is planning on going w/ me to look at blinds for her house...We agreed to grab some dinner out then go walk before dark...
I'm trying to be patient and just be a friend....(She hasn't had a date since her divorce over 4 years ago)...We're just a like in so many ways...We're like two kids!...(Especially me)...It's awesome!
Replacement
C, I’m so glad to hear you’re happy with your new friend.
I think finding the replacement is somewhat the issue. I don’t really meet people to be friends with. It might take an evening class, but I have kids alternate weeks. Joining a society of some sort would probably be helpful, but I’m on the brink of burnout as it is, so can’t really commit to the work it would take. The love interest of earlier this year I bolted from.
I sometimes wish I were your age with plenty of time and wisdom. You seem to have exited your marriage in good shape. I so appreciate your kindness.
meeting safe people...
I understand, it can be difficult to meet the right kind (safe) of people...I know you said you aren't a believer, so the church is probably out for you...Although you don't have to believe in God, to attend...:) And I also understand about burn out and responsibility overload
...I've watched my new friend (situation similar to yours) attempt to manage her home, job, yards, and be there for her two son's...Both out of the house...She does well at it...I've made myself available to do maintenance issues etc...She was reluctant to call on me...But, I think I have her trust now...(understands I don't expect or want anything in return)...Other than our friendship...
Life w/ certain mind types end up costing us a lot of our life...People who can only invest in themselves, will never invest in others regardless of intention or promises...None of that mean's anything...Only the lived out reality...
(exiting my marriage in good shape)....Well, many of you know I have had plenty of years to learn to be content not mattering...The last thing in this world I would have expected was what has happened!...For 17 years all I wanted to do was love and be loved by my wife...So I guess over the last few years, the coldness and hopelessness, just finally got real for my heart...When we love well (without regret) we can move on well...But my years of loving her was not wasted!...Because the value of love is not based on whether it's reciprocated, the value of love is the giving of it...And God, and my ex., knows I gave it...
c
Yes you did!
I agree completely. None of the good things you did were wasted. It’s a beautiful outlook on life.
I don’t regret my marriage either, it was something beautiful despite everything, and my contribution to it is no cause for shame.
Thank you for spending time with me. These are difficult days but I’m trying to learn meditation since yesterday, inspired by a childhood mentor who has reappeared in her old age, I marvel at her resilience. Am very bad at meditation. There will be a learning curve.
I was that
What helped me was counselling. I had my own issues - several traumatic experiences, compounded by narcissistic parenting that had set me up to be the perfect dupe for an ADHD/Narcissist, and made me deeply insecure, filled with self loathing and struggling to connect with people whilst desperate to connect (and with a partner who dismissed 99.9% of people as not being worth his time (ie not famous/uber successful in the same field as him)).
Our social world dwindled to nothing. We couldn’t hang out with my friends as couples because he thought they weren’t worth his time; I couldn’t connect with his ‘friends’ because really they were just successful contacts he wanted to cultivate for their status. I have never felt so lonely.
I saw an amazing therapist who helped me come to much better terms with myself and now it’s SO much easier to connect with others - I have better relationships even with my oldest friend, my brother, everyone. Because I have a decent relationship with myself.
That would be my advice. Get on good terms with yourself - maybe via a therapist- and the rest will follow.
ps I am glad the party was fun!
Xxx
Thank you Honestly
I’m happy to hear you’ve recovered from loneliness.
I perhaps should try to get back into therapy. There’s not much progress here, though I try to keep busy with recreational things like C advised, and see close friends.
Thank you for answering, it’s much appreciated.
I read that again
I’m deeply impressed by the work you’ve done, Honestly.
What you describe is a massive challenge (and I can physically relate to every bit of the pain) and you solved it.
Hugs
thank you
I’m really touched by you saying that. it’s a work in progress and I am very much in a transitional state, but the difference now is that the transition feels very much for the better