Dear all,
I am new to this forum as I am looking for some help. I am married and my wife has ADHD and our 2 daughters (6 and 9) also have ADHD. I am trying to manage my daughters but it is all starting to be a bit overwhelming.
Especially with my wife, who is more and more depressed and she blames me for everything that is wrong in her life, for everything that has ever gone wrong, etc. She sometimes has anger outbursts and starts insulting me, using every example of things I shared with her and seems to want to hurt me as much as possible.
She has now also started to do it in front of the kids and even when I tell her to stop, not do say certain things in front of the kids, she gets even more angry and insults me even more. It is so bad that I am sometimes scared to go home as I do not know if she will again freak out.
I am mentally exhausted and cannot control myself when I am tired and then start fighting back and also insult her. Normally when she starts, I just leave the room and go somewhere else however I sometimes cannot manage and respond by fighting as well.
Yesterday we had another fight and she insulted me quite a bit, so this morning my temper was a bit short and I shouted at my 6 year old daughter. She used this and started insulting me again and managed to turn my daughters against me, saying that I was a horrible father, etc.
It was so bad that my daughters did not want me to drop them at school but asked for my wife to drop them, even though I normally drop them every day.
I feel terrible as I should not have shouted at my daughter but I was just still angry from yesterday and instead of helping, my wife used this moment of weakness to turn the kids against me. When she is calm, I try to talk to her and tell her that it is not correct what she is doing, that she should never use the kids in our argument but she does not want to hear it.
This morning I heard her tell the kids that they should never marry a person like me, that they will be unhappy if they marry someone like their father. It is such a horrible thing to say to the girls. My wife is not working and I am working hard to try to get everything for my wife and kids but nothing is appreciated. We have 2 cars, pianos, 2 houses (one for holidays in Italy) and I keep on trying to give more and more to them but I never seem to have anything back.
This really bad mood changes started during the pregnancy of my 2nd child and have only been getting worse, especially the last 2 years. My wife does not want to seek therapy and I am starting to not see any way out apart from divorce.
I guess what I am asking, should I still be fighting for this and if so, how? Or as there has been no improvement since years now, should I say that it is enough and leave? I am afraid if I do this that she will completely push the kids against me. I feel quite trapped and all I want is for the situation to get better...
Comments
Stay or go
It took me a decade to leave a similarly bad situation. Looking back, I needed to take my spouse's actions at face value and accept that he wasn't going to change. He didn't see it, he didn't want to see it, he didn't want to change, and his behaviour was making ME sick.
There has been no improvement for years and your wife doesn't want to seek therapy. You are afraid to go home to your own house. She takes no accountability for her own behaviour, actions, moods and situation. She's not above bringing the kids into it and turning them against you. Your answer is there, but it's really hard to take the action, especially when you have so much invested. I get that.
I think ADHD-impacted marriages can improve, but only when the partner with ADHD acknowledges their part in it and works mightily (meds + therapy) to manage the behaviours impacting the marriage (with the support of a partner). This was not my situation and this is not your situation. She's showing you how she's comfortable treating you and sees no issue with it.
Just an opinion from someone who left just over 4 years ago. As hard as it was (hardest thing I've ever done), it was necessary for my own health and for our daughter's. Maybe a few therapy sessions just for you would help you see your own path forward more clearly.
willingness to try and blaming
Hi,
I was almost in this exact circumstance few years ago - diagnosed ADHD wife and 2 of 3 kids diagnosed below age 12.
we tried couples therapy, ADHD therapy, reading all the books on child and marriage ADHD.
But in the end she never tried or admitted she had any role and blamed on me her own behaviors.
Small example, (but was a regular theme): she forgot it was her turn for dinner for the 5 of us and after kids sports we stop at fancy grocery store and we agree she will get rotisserie chicken and lettuce ($15) and I explain since 1st of month tomorrow and all bills will clear through all at once we need to be frugal. And so as me and the kids wait in car for 1hr+ she comes back with 10+ grocery bags and says she ran into a friend and starts gossiping. I asked how much she spent? "no idea" And then we get home and i unpack, there is no rotisserie chicken or lettuce, and I see receipt is $350. I said nothing.
Then we are in couples therapy the next day and I mention above story. And she starts crying to therapist and says I am "abusive" because I don't give her enough money and she was shopping with a neighbor and the neighbor was getting expensive items and since the neighbor was the wife of my friend, it is my fault that my friend can afford lots of fancy groceries and I can't. Crying whole time, victim mode.
There are so many more of these types of stories where executive functioning is missing, implusive affairs, blaming me and victimhood and for years i accepted it and thought is was part of my burden to support my 3 young kids whilst my ADHD partner's transparent deflection of blame that the terapists could see, but she couldn't help herself or commit to evolve. She conveniently characterized herself as a victim and used her children against their father when I would call out (in therapy) basic stuff like forgetting to organize a simple meal and putting her social status above the household budget, her retailation is to diminish the children's father in front of them.
My point is there are some situations where the ADHD partner has no desire to improve, or is overly defensive when you do the research and therapy work and it become that they are a victim of your efforts.
outbursts
also
"outbursts" and "trying to hurt me as much as possible"
same experience here,
and there are these beautiful young children where i am doing the work: night wakes, meals, only earner, most of cooking and organizing, school drops etc.
are we compensating for just ADHD, is lack of effort ADHD? is blaming ADHD?
might be another layer to consider?
idk
I’ve never known how to pick apart what counts as neurodivergence and what’s straightup mean, selfish and rude. I think our experience has to count, even though they spend so much time dismissing it as unimportant or unfair. So if we experience what they call ADHD as them being horrible, that’s valid. It is them being horrible. We can’t just accept that ADHD diagnosis is a license to treat us like something they stepped in.
Trying to hurt someone
It is the exact reason I avoid my ex now to the point of never wanting to see him again.
The repeatedly trying to hurt someone as much as possible when you’re angry is perhaps normal for my severe ADD ex (and certain family members of his). But it sure isn’t for me. I will never accept that kind of behavior towards me again.
finding empathy
this thread started with Confused Sheep asking for insight about maybe being mistreated by ADHD spouse, the deflection and blame, and then using young kids as weapons.
this has been my world for much longer than i realized.
to cope, i try to find empathy in small things:
like for example other day 11yr old ADHD wakes up 5am and says he can't sleep (he has always had inability to settle his body, hyperactive) so i ask him to try to fall back asleep or else turn on TV "quietly" and not wake whole household. 6am i come down and TV is blasting and he is not around. full bowl of cereal dining room, full bowl of cereal kitchen. 4 cups of OJ all around. and i find him on front stoop eating cereal with OJ, sun not even up yet. "hey dad!"
i can't imagine what it must be like for an ADHD adult to constantly forget what they are doing, unable to keep a job, having partners and bosses calling them out for not listening and losing track of time.
and to see my kid the other day 6am left without an adult to guide him, forgetting all the cereals he had made, how is he going to manage as an adult?
unlike my adult ADHD spouse i hope my kids get the proper support to survive with severe ADHD, and have the self-awareness and skills as adults that they can pass onto to thier kids since ADHD is strongly herditary.
thank you
Thank you to all the comments. It already helps to see that I am not alone in the situation.
I have not yet made my mind up but currently it does feel like the point of no return. I will wait a couple of days and decide whether I still want to fight for this or not. But thank you for showing me that I'm not nuts...