Hello—longtime reader, first-time poster.
Apologies if this has been discussed before—I'm open to any helpful links. I also welcome other perspectives to potentially illuminate blind spots. I am aware we come from a place of privilege with having the luxury of dual-income.
I’m a 33M (non-ADHD) married to a 33F (ADHD). I manage our finances well, allocating money toward our family's needs, wants, and savings. Since our 2023 wedding, we’ve given ourselves individual allowances from each paycheck to cover any non-family expenses and "fun", which has worked well—until recently.
My wife just told me she’s accumulated several thousand dollars of credit card debt. I was grateful for her honesty and initially wondered if her allowance wasn’t enough. But after reviewing her spending together (at her request), it’s clear the issue was mindless purchases, not insufficient funds.
In couples therapy, I’ve learned I should not be managing her spending for her (parenting)—she needs to take responsibility for improvement. That said, she’s always struggled with this. Unlike some who get defensive, she feels deep shame, and I often give her leeway out of empathy. I’m starting to worry that might be enabling her.
So here’s my dilemma: is the boundary I need to set that she will no longer receive extra funds until her credit card debt is paid off? Do I let go of control, stand back and let her learn through experience, even if that means more debt? Do I wait for her to ask for help? And if she does, how do I handle it if she ignores my advice? We’re married—her debt is now my debt—and I will continue to grow more and more concerned if this continues.
Thanks so much.
Comments
sympathies
Actively controlling her spending risks, well, being controlling. One possibility would be her to agree to not having a credit card (in the uk where I live this is fairly common practice) and a bank account that will not allow her to go overdrawn, if such things exist where you live. They do here, but some countries are more debtogenic than others. I think this is a major part of the problem- a hundred years ago someone with ADHD just couldn’t accrue this kind of debt. She would need to actively agree to the arrangements, though; maybe as a trade off against a clean slate of you paying off current debt together. Maybe you could do the same - no credit card, no overdraft facility- so as to share the experience.
Thank you for the thoughtful
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. We live in the US. She knows she struggles with this (which I’m lucky; she could be completely in denial), so maybe she’ll be receptive to using a debit card only.
I agree with Honestly
It might be very expensive to let her figure this out for herself.
I think cutting her ability to spend by restricted accounts and no credit is the way to go.
Even if she has a diagnosis, it can’t excuse reckless spending of your joint resources. Don’t accept it.
Thank you for the response.
Thank you for the response.
So technically, she’s spending her own money which is funded by our joint funds. Both our paychecks go into the joint account so we can pay for rent, bills, groceries, etc.
So I don’t care how she spends that money because it’s hers and she should have the freedom to do whatever she wants with it.
I’m concerned that the balance will continue to grow. The more it grows, the more ashamed she will feel. And here in the US, I’m pretty sure that any debt accrued after marriage is both partner’s responsibility.
I think she will be receptive to taking a break from her credit card until the balance is paid down.
Other limits than your emotions
Considering what C writes below, I wanted to clarify.
There’s no point in creating conflict, and I in no way suggest unkindness towards your partner. However, a situation where she spends thoughtlessly and your subsequent emotions (uneasiness, anger, resentment or eventually panic) become the ‘brake’ for her spending, is in my experience terrible for a relationship. The non-ADHD person whose emotions are used for guidance by an ADHD partner does not fare well.
So I’d firmly request that possibility be closed. I’ve never used credit (it’s not mandatory in my country) and never missed it either. Why people with impulsiveness issues should benefit from it, I couldn’t imagine.
Reminder...
The main thing to remember here is: what ever you decide, keep a calm loving attitude, in order to protect your marriage relationship at all costs...It's real easy to get advice on this site...Many of us have been through the trails of life w/ the mind type you are dealing with...But, respect and kindness has to be number 1 priority!, even if you can't speak into this issue at all...One great blessing you have is her spirit, shame, remorse and seeking help/accountability vs defiant, blaming and denial, that so many of us have or do deal with...
I would suggest you set down and calmly ask her questions as it relates to boundaries...Let her decide, how to discipline herself...example: (What do you think we should do to help us eliminate the ease at which the problem is occuring?) Kick around some idea's w/ her, where she doesn't feel like the bad child, who is having to be corrected...That breeds a lot of things...All bad!
You can always come back and make changes to the process...But, just treat her like the adult she is, and show confidence in her...I know you know all this, but, it's just a reminder....
c
Thank you for this
Thank you for this perspective. I love my partner and can accept most of the smaller challenges that come with her ADHD, without ignoring my own emotional limits
I know trying to “parent”her leads to resentment, and I’ve been working hard to avoid that so I can be a better partner.
Where I get stuck—and maybe I’m wrong here—is that she knows she has areas to work on, like being more mindful with money, but does nothing beyond expressing shame.
I can’t control or change her, and I know that. But I’ve been hurt by repeated promises to try that never lead anywhere. I don’t think it’s fair for me to carry the burden of fixing it, especially when I’m pretty sure she won’t follow through.
So what am I supposed to do? If I step back, I watch the shame and debt pile up. If I step in, I risk resentment and a parent/child dynamic.
It feels like a lose-lose.
The issue in a nutshell
Your explanation of this is spot on.
I think for those ADHD partners who aren’t successful in adjusting their behavior to their and their partner’s best interests, the non-ADHD partner becomes a sort of safety net. Either by expressing opinions on how to act in minute daily ways, or by deciding things, or by compensating by resolute action, or paying off debt for instance… It makes the ADHD partner rest (unhappily) in their shame. Sometimes I feel it’s the very presence of a neurotypical partner that throws the ADHD system off.
I’m sorry to not have any good advice on how to solve this. I spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure it out but have no answer.