Hello—longtime reader, first-time poster.
Apologies if this has been discussed before—I'm open to any helpful links. I also welcome other perspectives to potentially illuminate blind spots. I am aware we come from a place of privilege with having the luxury of dual-income.
I’m a 33M (non-ADHD) married to a 33F (ADHD). I manage our finances well, allocating money toward our family's needs, wants, and savings. Since our 2023 wedding, we’ve given ourselves individual allowances from each paycheck to cover any non-family expenses and "fun", which has worked well—until recently.
My wife just told me she’s accumulated several thousand dollars of credit card debt. I was grateful for her honesty and initially wondered if her allowance wasn’t enough. But after reviewing her spending together (at her request), it’s clear the issue was mindless purchases, not insufficient funds.
In couples therapy, I’ve learned I should not be managing her spending for her (parenting)—she needs to take responsibility for improvement. That said, she’s always struggled with this. Unlike some who get defensive, she feels deep shame, and I often give her leeway out of empathy. I’m starting to worry that might be enabling her.
So here’s my dilemma: is the boundary I need to set that she will no longer receive extra funds until her credit card debt is paid off? Do I let go of control, stand back and let her learn through experience, even if that means more debt? Do I wait for her to ask for help? And if she does, how do I handle it if she ignores my advice? We’re married—her debt is now my debt—and I will continue to grow more and more concerned if this continues.
Thanks so much.
