Forum topic: How do you deal with the constant disappointment?

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink...

shared this with me last year. After years of him putting glasses in old greasy dishwater in the sink at night, so they could ‘soak’,  despite not needing to, and the glasses actually being thrifted vintage glasses that I loved, and me asking him again and again not to, because I then had to fish them out of greasy cold water before I could do anything else in kitchen in the morning, and it was messy and gross and extra unnecessary hassle. 

But when he discovered this article, it was a Eureka moment for him; he finally got it. Didn’t matter how often I’d asked him; some man on the internet said it once and he paid attention.

I know I’m sounding flippant, but maybe, is there a way of harnessing this ability to pay attention to online stuff, social media, etc but not to a partner? Could you find a resource on the internet who’s saying what you need her to hear…? 

First, you’re in good company.  Exact same behaviors and my emotional response varies from anger to grief to dismay and despair, loneliness, confusion of course disappointment and then hope again.  In my wife’s case, I encounter the perfectionism/hyper-focus death loop, and a set of profoundly immature coping mechanisms courtesy a dysfunctional family and upbringing.  It is tough.  Second, I am very fortunate that my wife is an awesome human struggling against this disorder with very clear insight.  Understand, if your wife is like mine, she is miserable and doesn’t want to be doing what she does when in the throes of her hyper-focus, she feels guilt and shame for what she is doing and the damage to you and others.  She is in her own hell.  Try not losing touch (oh, it ebbs and flows), with the person you fell in love with and why you married—she’s in there.  Focus on empathy.  And seek concrete, constructive communication about actions you can take together.  In all honesty, after years of broken promises and agreements (“You have my permission to pull me out of it”), I told her it is over IF we do not seek help, both individually AND together.  As a result we had a series of good discussions both verbal and written exchanges.  She is returning to therapy, reviewing adjustments to her medication with her psychiatrist.  I have begun my own counseling on how to manage my reactions (at this point raw), and sense of being out of control and completely discombobulated.  We are seeking the right couples therapist to work together.  She understands two very important things.  If she doesn’t work on this and it’s management she will lose her marriage and she doesn’t want that however much it seems to us our partners engage in knowing marital sabotage.  And, a very important insight she shared:  I could leave her and she’d face the same ongoing self-destructive disorder and lose herself.  Her words.  We are moving forward and I hope you and yours find that path for yourselves.

I hear ya. In my experience so far, its been a tough pill for me to swallow about radical acceptance. I don't want to be disappointed by my adhd spouse, but then they really let me down. How? Because I had an expectation that they couldnt meet. Or didn't want to. Or physically/mentally weren't able but neither side could communicate what needed to be communicated. 

But that's where I'm at now, it's really hard to wrap my brain around that if I'm this disappointed day in and day out, and this is who they are and it has to be accepted....it leaves me in a state of realising that I can either stay and continue to be disappointed (bc I've done a lot of work on myself and identifying what needs/wants/dreams I have) because I'm not getting what I'd like to get .... or.... I leave. 

But at this point this is when I get so overwhelmed by that thought I cant think of anything further. 

So my suggestion is to learn about radical acceptance and how it's not just rolling over and being like "it's ok" when it's not. But then after that, you can decide what you're willing to live with and put up with for the rest of time. 

I’ve been in a similar place. The infuriating thing is when treated like you describe, it’s so hard to offer one’s partner an olive branch, or the generosity that could tilt things toward the better. 

I’ve followed your disappointment a little, you’ve been writing occasionally for some time now. So sorry you are still there. 

If anything, perhaps I’d suggest momentarily trying to ignore how bad things are? Picking a loving attitude despite not really feeling it? Doing a thoughtful Saturday night date out of the blue? It could give your partner a chance to do differently and better. Perhaps work the wheels in a different direction?

Of course, if it feels wrong, you probably shouldn’t. I’m not suggesting you violate your own boundaries. But if there’s still some room to experiment, perhaps it’s worth a try?

I’m exhausted. Anything I bring to my fiancé that bothers me, he responds immediately with justification, denial, anger and turns it back on me. To keep peace I have to ignore what he does that hurts me. He tells me “I don’t know why you want to argue”. 
I’m sure he’s adhd. He says he hates labels. He undiagnosed and unmedicated. If we marry I’ll be his 7th wife. I’m exhausted.