My wife and I have recognized that we are trying to survive each other. I've been trying to survive her ADHDness and slightly abusive behavior, while she's been trying to survive me trying to get some control (from her viewpoint. ADHD in mind it's a fair perception).
At one point she suggested that we write down what actions we're doing to show we love the other. And we should "give it" to the other person. This is to build awareness. I replied that "giving it" to another person sounded like "hey notice me", but the other part could be good journaling and awareness.
Then she said this, "If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it. I’m going to make the list for me then"
My gut reaction was defensive and trying to explain myself to be clearer.
She did say she is just stating a fact and it wasn't intended to be passive aggressive.
I noticed that I had gotten defensive at the passive aggressive statement. Just to double check myself, I ran it in ChatGPT to see if it really does have a passive aggressive hint. ChatGPT said it does depending on the context, the context being a tense relationship then yeah.
We had previously discussed that I would bring these things up in the moment (her request), and we were talking about communicating more clearly.
So I (legit) just asked her to reword it. Just asked. It was with the intention to practice remedying our relationship.
Then she freaks out saying our relationship is doomed because she knows she can work better at passive aggressive comments and what she says also depends on my interpretation.
And now I'm despairing because we recognize our problems, and even a simple ask is too much.
We've gone to therapy, couple's therapist encouraged me to set boundaries and encouraged my wife to stop having a control complex.
Comments
Frustration
Hi Joining4858,
After reading through what you said, I found I'm confused about the details, but more clear on the bigger picture. And I also feel frustrated just trying to sort it all out.
"I've been trying to survive her ADHDness and slightly abusive behavior, " The slightly abusive behavior I can understand from my own experience: a short list of specific behaviors that are generally negative and hard to live with. Those can be worked on and modified with some effort.
But what's this "ADHD-ness" ? How could someone even describe it or explain what that is? Since I have ADHD, that comes across as a ocean of territory if you wanted to get down to it ? That doesn't give the other person much to work on with such a broad definition.
I can cut to the chase and use my own situation as the example. ( both of us have ADHD FYI ). We just ran into another obstacles so this is pretty fresh in my mind.
If the relationship is asymmetrical...someone's needs aren't getting met. This sets up resentment that lingers over time. It ebs and flows depending on. In my case, physical intimacy is one big source. Not just sex, but physical closeness, connection, being demonstrative physically. Most times, I'm alright with the status quo, but there are times, I feel physically starved for affection in this one specific way. There's nothing I can do to prevent this internal need, but, it will come and pass, if I do nothing. During that time however, it's difficult to ignore. If my partner isn't feeling it, then, my energy or "needyness" becomes the problem for her. It reminds her that she's lacking in her "giving of love" and talking about it only makes her angry.
The end result, cause her to push or move even further away, with leaves me feeling sad and unwanted. For a time. It's definitely a sysmtom, response, response situation and the best thing I can do is just be myself and let these times pass. If I push anything about this issue, it just drives her further away. Doing the opposite of what I feel like doing, is what I've found works best.
And when I do that, and continue to be the person I want to be....continue to give love ( in my way ) and try to be a decent person ( without bringing this up or needing to talk about it ) things definitely improve and we get along better.
I have no control over her, but I do have control over myself. It'd be easy for me to say: if she'd just stop doing these certain things, everything would be better.
That last paragraph pretty much sums it up. If you're ( you or her ) are trying to control the other person to get what you want. Not only is it not the way you want it, you'll never get what you want by doing it that way in my experience.
On the other hand, doing things to control yourself, not only gains you skills, but you're not asking anyone else to do anything ( demanding or requiring ) for you. That generally gets me more of what I want than anything else.
And just recently, after quite some time off from saying anything....I attempted to talk about some things I was having a hard time with especially: criticizing, devaluing, etc. This is an indication ( pushing away behavior ) that my SO needs more space. Even if I feel I've been giving it, but apparently is not enough.
Lots of details in there but.....it's the exact thing I don't need for myself, but the very thing she needs for her.
Test question: in this scenario should I :
a) give her even more space
b ) try to control her or demand she give me more physical affection because it's what I need right now. And if not, act passive aggressive and resentful about not getting it.
For me, the answer is pretty clear.
Kind of spot on
Hey, thank you for responding. I think you pretty much nailed it on the head.
We did go to therapy yesterday, and we discussed things that felt reassuring.
So (in her view) when I would "control" her, it was essentially me telling her she's doing too much to fix the relationship. This was confusing for her, because it was previously established that she's not doing enough. Long story short, she would often forget me and leave me behind. In these moments, I would be confused too because I didn't feel like I was being controling, I just wanted her to take a step back.
What my intended statement was she's overcompensating. The moment I clarified that she's overcompensating, she immediately felt better because this told her she is doing something, and she can reign it back a little bit. My wife actually likes this pattern, because she noted to me that we've done this in several occasions where she does tend to go overboard/overcompensate and I point it out.
From my side, I'm starting to read Supercommunicators, and it's making a compelling point for me that I haven't been in the emotional conversation whenever my wife is stressed out about some topic. It particular, sometimes when she is stressed in something where I thought we had a deep connection on. But she's been changing, and that deeper connection is disappearing. So we've been struggling on the deeper connection because I've been acting in survival mode for the thing we previously connected on. And so I need to work on connecting emotionally, and not get defensive for something I thought we were secure in.
Key words
Control, overcompensating, "supercomunicating", and maybe deep connection.
Control seems to come from many sources, and much of it is unconscious. I know this for sure, which means to be aware you're being controlling is not an easy task.
Overcompensating is what people with ADHD do. I'd be surprised to find anyone with ADHD and NOT overcompensate on some level.
"Supercomunicating " from your suggested book ( at a glance ) is understanding and knowing the difference between different language type, and the ability to respond to each one as needed in a conversation. What immediately came to mind is " feeling like you've been heard "...which would require those skills.
Forming deep connections. This is a very complex subject. "Depth" is a quantitative measure in a very subjective way. More, an opinion as to how deep someone is based on yourself and "how deep you are".
I'm beginning to believe that any conmection is good, and the depth may or may not be there always. I'm trying to have a more open mind, and needing less to put a value on everything. I think you end up enjoying more, and being disappointed far less of the time, if you appreciate the things that are given to you unconditionally.
I like the point of needing
I like the point of needing less and enjoy simple things. It reminds me of slowing down and trying to perceive things without bias.
Her initiative
Any initiative from the ADHD partner to address relationship unhappiness would make me hopeful!
Sorry you’re struggling, but it sounds like both you and your wife are working on communication and that’s the key, I think.
Supercommunicators
The more I get into the book Supercommunicators, the more I feel it's something that I need to work on or I can be wise about