My wife and I have recognized that we are trying to survive each other. I've been trying to survive her ADHDness and slightly abusive behavior, while she's been trying to survive me trying to get some control (from her viewpoint. ADHD in mind it's a fair perception).
At one point she suggested that we write down what actions we're doing to show we love the other. And we should "give it" to the other person. This is to build awareness. I replied that "giving it" to another person sounded like "hey notice me", but the other part could be good journaling and awareness.
Then she said this, "If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it. I’m going to make the list for me then"
My gut reaction was defensive and trying to explain myself to be clearer.
She did say she is just stating a fact and it wasn't intended to be passive aggressive.
I noticed that I had gotten defensive at the passive aggressive statement. Just to double check myself, I ran it in ChatGPT to see if it really does have a passive aggressive hint. ChatGPT said it does depending on the context, the context being a tense relationship then yeah.
We had previously discussed that I would bring these things up in the moment (her request), and we were talking about communicating more clearly.
So I (legit) just asked her to reword it. Just asked. It was with the intention to practice remedying our relationship.
Then she freaks out saying our relationship is doomed because she knows she can work better at passive aggressive comments and what she says also depends on my interpretation.
And now I'm despairing because we recognize our problems, and even a simple ask is too much.
We've gone to therapy, couple's therapist encouraged me to set boundaries and encouraged my wife to stop having a control complex.
