Forum topic: Deflection and Aggression

You wrote that well.  I seem to have gone through very similar back and forth with my ADD husband.  It's very familiar to me. My H died last year and I am still trying to sort things out what it was from a clearer perspective.  How SHOULD someone respond when the one person who you counted on to love you, hurts you and ignores you?  I don't have it worked out completely but just lately I have come to understand and accept how it was with me.  I was brought up too look to the Bible for how to be in this world.  I would read the texts over and over about how to be a virtuous woman.  I thought there would be good "karma" if I followed the words from scripture and prayed.  I compromised myself making way for his selfish ego and for compatibility. I didn't recognize myself after 50 years of trying to support him emotionally and physicallly.  Now, from this vantage point, I regret not taking control of my own self and my own life and what I would tolerate from other people.  My and your husband were/are not being loving and open and cooperative in the partnership of marriage.  H wanted the fun but not the love and care - not the responsibility of his own actions/inactions.   Sometimes women get into situations where, especially if there are children, they get stuck.  They may have been free agents, strong and sturdy, while young but lost their strength in the name of being a good, agreeable, hard-working wife.  If you are trying to be a good wife/girlfriend and the man is hurtful back, this is not YOUR problem.  It should be HIS problem that he doesn't have the will or the ability to play fair and nice and communicate better.  Hike up your standards, girl!  You don't have to be cruel back but you MUST hold yourself to your own standards and not let his behavior belittle you.  I regret permitting this behavior from H. Learn from me.  I wish you well.

I feel vindicated by these comments. I KNEW it was not "all in my head."

It also does not help that my father is 100% like this as well.

I’ve had a lot of this too during a couple of decades, then divorced.

The thing about severe ADD (in my partner’s case) is the person is not aware of their impact. They can be magnificently destructive. They can hurt you immensely. They manipulate facts to avoid shame. Still they act like nothing happened and are puzzled you’re still trying to scrape up the remains of your emotional self, weeks later. They’ve forgotten the hurtful words they said or the intensity of their rage.

They don’t see it.

But that unawareness doesn’t excuse anything. And for you, trying to understand them and sympathize with their difficulties because of their inabilities, might be a dead end. 

Choosing to be a sympathetic and forgiving partner to a neurodivergent person, and imagining they couldn’t really hurt me since they were so weak, was my mistake. 

They did hurt me. Not until after divorce, I understood their deeply traumatic effects on my health and sanity. 

Believe your emotions. I doesn’t matter if your partner doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t really mean to hurt you, or has better intentions than outcome. If you’re this hurt, that is the reality you need to act on. 
 

Hello, Tigerslair.

Been through a lot of that. It erodes your self-worth; you compromise so far that you yourself become compromised; your very self starts to fall apart. 

He had me believing I was judgemental, critical, negative. Even cruel. I had internalised his narrative of me as a terrible person. Who he would not, however, let go, because he loved me, was so generous to love me, even though I was so horrible. The erosion of self affected all my relationships - with family, friends, colleagues. Hard to connect with people when you feel you are just awful. 

I hit such a low it was either leave or kill myself; I chose the former, when it came to it, for my kids' sake. It sounds paradoxical, to leave a marriage for the kids' sake, but I did. I very little sense of self left, by then. 

He gets in touch and behaves as though his behaviour has been impeccable, as though I have been the unreasonable one. It can be a complete mindf***. 

I think it's helpful to remember that your feelings can't be wrong, however much he invalidates them. They just are.

The more I reflect and read, I begin to understand that in the case of my ex, his ADHD is  tied up with undiagnosed autism and narcissism. It makes it particularly toxic. 

Having left him, I now feel a baseline happiness that I had assumed was beyond my grasp - I had genuinely believed I was simply not a happy person. My relationships have improved across the board. 

Whatever else you decide to do, I want to offer you this glimpse of hope - that if you decide to get out, it is possible to reintegrate yourself - you can pull yourself back together; you can be whole. You have the potential to be happy. 

sending love and solidarity. 

xx