Forum topic: Deflection and Aggression

You wrote that well.  I seem to have gone through very similar back and forth with my ADD husband.  It's very familiar to me. My H died last year and I am still trying to sort things out what it was from a clearer perspective.  How SHOULD someone respond when the one person who you counted on to love you, hurts you and ignores you?  I don't have it worked out completely but just lately I have come to understand and accept how it was with me.  I was brought up too look to the Bible for how to be in this world.  I would read the texts over and over about how to be a virtuous woman.  I thought there would be good "karma" if I followed the words from scripture and prayed.  I compromised myself making way for his selfish ego and for compatibility. I didn't recognize myself after 50 years of trying to support him emotionally and physicallly.  Now, from this vantage point, I regret not taking control of my own self and my own life and what I would tolerate from other people.  My and your husband were/are not being loving and open and cooperative in the partnership of marriage.  H wanted the fun but not the love and care - not the responsibility of his own actions/inactions.   Sometimes women get into situations where, especially if there are children, they get stuck.  They may have been free agents, strong and sturdy, while young but lost their strength in the name of being a good, agreeable, hard-working wife.  If you are trying to be a good wife/girlfriend and the man is hurtful back, this is not YOUR problem.  It should be HIS problem that he doesn't have the will or the ability to play fair and nice and communicate better.  Hike up your standards, girl!  You don't have to be cruel back but you MUST hold yourself to your own standards and not let his behavior belittle you.  I regret permitting this behavior from H. Learn from me.  I wish you well.

I feel vindicated by these comments. I KNEW it was not "all in my head."

It also does not help that my father is 100% like this as well.

I’ve had a lot of this too during a couple of decades, then divorced.

The thing about severe ADD (in my partner’s case) is the person is not aware of their impact. They can be magnificently destructive. They can hurt you immensely. They manipulate facts to avoid shame. Still they act like nothing happened and are puzzled you’re still trying to scrape up the remains of your emotional self, weeks later. They’ve forgotten the hurtful words they said or the intensity of their rage.

They don’t see it.

But that unawareness doesn’t excuse anything. And for you, trying to understand them and sympathize with their difficulties because of their inabilities, might be a dead end. 

Choosing to be a sympathetic and forgiving partner to a neurodivergent person, and imagining they couldn’t really hurt me since they were so weak, was my mistake. 

They did hurt me. Not until after divorce, I understood their deeply traumatic effects on my health and sanity. 

Believe your emotions. I doesn’t matter if your partner doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t really mean to hurt you, or has better intentions than outcome. If you’re this hurt, that is the reality you need to act on. 
 

Hello, Tigerslair.

Been through a lot of that. It erodes your self-worth; you compromise so far that you yourself become compromised; your very self starts to fall apart. 

He had me believing I was judgemental, critical, negative. Even cruel. I had internalised his narrative of me as a terrible person. Who he would not, however, let go, because he loved me, was so generous to love me, even though I was so horrible. The erosion of self affected all my relationships - with family, friends, colleagues. Hard to connect with people when you feel you are just awful. 

I hit such a low it was either leave or kill myself; I chose the former, when it came to it, for my kids' sake. It sounds paradoxical, to leave a marriage for the kids' sake, but I did. I very little sense of self left, by then. 

He gets in touch and behaves as though his behaviour has been impeccable, as though I have been the unreasonable one. It can be a complete mindf***. 

I think it's helpful to remember that your feelings can't be wrong, however much he invalidates them. They just are.

The more I reflect and read, I begin to understand that in the case of my ex, his ADHD is  tied up with undiagnosed autism and narcissism. It makes it particularly toxic. 

Having left him, I now feel a baseline happiness that I had assumed was beyond my grasp - I had genuinely believed I was simply not a happy person. My relationships have improved across the board. 

Whatever else you decide to do, I want to offer you this glimpse of hope - that if you decide to get out, it is possible to reintegrate yourself - you can pull yourself back together; you can be whole. You have the potential to be happy. 

sending love and solidarity. 

xx

You are not alone with that. I have been with mine for almost 2 years now married..and his impulsivity has really done some damage in the past…everything is always just my fault ..he is on a waiting list for a diagnosis but its been exhausting and my own trauma on top of it …there have been moments where it has been hell surely for both of us but when it comes to talking its all on me, its my fault..my emotions are too much for him most of the time and he deflects all the time and then he becomes avoidant or straight up rude sometimes without fully noticing it. I love him very much so i understand the frustration. But i had some crazy mental breakdowns because of that leaving me acting like i dont really want to because its so frustrating. 

The stories I am reading from all of you are so similar to what I have experienced with my husband of almost 20 years. I can’t say that I have been happy with him, I am staying until my youngest goes to college and I am financially independent. I need to find a decent pay job after being forced to l leave my old one due to a TBI. That head trauma made me comprehend who my husband really is. I have been slowly crowing out of my disability and I am desperate to get out and build my life again. It has been a nightmare throughout and I don’t think my husband would ever understand what he does or doesn’t. Even when the worst headaches which lasted 8 months, I had to take care of the household, finances, cooking, cleaning, kids, own paperwork for my job, disability, appointments with therapist and doctors, etc. I cried everyday and still maybe every week. I have cried since I got with him. He is very toxic and now because he went to a couple of therapy and was finally diagnosed, he wants me to accept that I have limited him and I am an abuser. Sometimes I think he wants to make me crazy because he doesn’t have any compassion or empathy. I know this is not going to last forever and I am glad to hear encouragement from many of you.

Hi all, 

Thank you for sharing your stories as they bring me solace as I begin to pick myself up from whatever the heck it was that I was in. Fortunately, it was a short one year, but boy was some damage done by my ex. She was a verbally abusive especially when she drank. She denied having any maladaptive role and constantly told me I was the mean one when I stood up for myself or pointed out her behavior. I don’t want to go into every nuance of our interactions but suffice it to say my experiences mirror many of stories I have read here. My breaking point happened after she visited me and was drunk. I refused to kiss her. She gave me a rather scary and aggressive stare down; I really believed she would have hit me as she slammed her glass into my coffee table. Luckily, for me she went upstairs where her tirade continued. She told me she could F**k anyone she wants, other women would kill to have her and a battery of other rants and raves. I slept away from her. The next day she carried on as if all was okay. I decided then that it was of no use to address the situation to avoid her confronting me menacingly. She was staying with me for a few days as she lives in another state. When I dropped her off at the airport I was never so happy to see some go away. I then sent her the following in an email:

“The two most important parts for me in a relationship you refused,wouldn't and couldn't give me. Therefore, as much as I love you I do not want to stay in this relationship with you under those conditions. Since, I now feel you will never change, refuse to change and can't change I finally understand that you do not love me. Love allows for change and growth. I'm willing to do so, but you're not. Just getting along is no longer enough for me. You saying you still love me is meaningless without the work and respect required that shows me that love. I'm a person who comes from a place of feelings and you have hurt them so many times that my feelings have hardened towards your feelings. Not exactly a foundation for a healthy, loving and respectful relationship. Remember those two women we met from Rhode Island when you were here. One of them told me that night that you told her that "I take a lot of your shit". Seems to me that I'm the one you should have said that to. If you want to be loved then you should make yourself lovable. I know, I know I'm preaching to the choir. 

 I'm not going to hold my breathe here and expect anything, but If you ever decide to really be what I need, which in turn will permit me to give you what you need, if you really love me as you say you do and will go to therapy with me, if you ever decide in a moment of lucidity to take a glimpse at your own behavior through my eyes than give a call my door will always be open to meaningful and authentic communication. Until then, if ever, I need to reclaim myself from you and all this craziness. BTW not taking your meds has always been a deal breaker!”

Guess what her response was to that email….she sent a picture of her and her dog saying “they both had been groomed today”. All I could think is that this woman is off her freaking rocker and I should run fast. Later that evening she sent a text telling me “that when I am old and an invalid my family will take all my money especially your cousin Mo”. She has never met my family. She was invited for Thanksgiving, but I told her not to come….since I live an hour from the nearest airport I hope she takes heed because I won’t be there. 

Thank you for letting me vent because I have no one to share this nightmare with, but I am happy I woke up sooner than later…

I never thought I’d find myself in a toxic relationship with a woman with ADHD. She is out of her mind, gaslights, lies, drinks to much, is verbally abusive and on one occasion I thought she wanted to hit me. The yelling and screaming laced with profanities and vulgar language is disgusting. She blames me for everything when I try to talk to her and she claims that I am mean. After a year of this outrageous behavior I want out and can’t run fast enough!