I'm new here, and almost finished reading your book The ADHD Affect on Marriage. It has been hopeful. My partner has (we think) ADHD and perhaps Autism. We've been together 9 years and are in our 60s. I felt validated reading the stories of frustration and anger.
There was a question raised about getting back to the original love you felt.... I'm struggling as to whether I actually felt that and if I want it. I have lost almost all respect for my partner, and am just fed up.
I will read the recoomended book about Letting Go and Forgiving, because I don't want to live angry and frustrated for the rest of my life and want to take control and responsibility for myself.
I am finally writing, because I'm in the last chapter about Reignighting Romance, and I have a different experience. My partner desperately wants to be loved and desired - and would be very happy to be intimate - a lot! We suffer from the Parent Child dynamic and I just don't have an interest. I don't want him to pay more attention to me!
Thankfully he is willing to look into treatment - and so am I... but I'm not sure I really want to stay in the relationship.... We need to find a good ADHD psychiatrist in the UK.
I'm interested in any feedback or suggestions. I will take responsibility for myself.
Thank you for any comments!
Comments
Don't Assume
Don't assume that what a person does is intentional or even that they'reaware of what they're doing. Or maybe better, has the capacity in their ability to do what you do.
full stop:
J, that is very true
Blisteringly true.
illusion
I think the ‘original love’ in my case was largely illusory - a result of his temporary hyperfocus on me as the new partner, and my assumption that this is what he was actually like - kind, attentive, generous. But the hyperfocus drifted away to his work, and then all I got was the distracted self: lazy, selfish, rude, unhygienic, prickly and bad tempered, thoughtless and inconsiderate. The repeated disappointment and hurt, and the corrosive effects of his actions demonstrated, day after day, that he did not care, even while he kept saying he loved me. He said that I was the problem, I had to change, be kinder, better, nicer, less critical and cruel; it wore me out. I was only ever asking for the bare minimum - basic kindness and consideration. The whole thing was so painful and confusing. I eventually stopped liking him at all. I wonder if at heart, romance is easy for an ADHDer; love, perhaps, with its need for nurture and care and ongong respect, is not. And so when I look back, I don’t see much of value there in the ‘original love’; I see myself being duped, lured in by false impressions and promises; I see myself being made emotionally dependent and entangled, and then being made a resource and exploitated till I had nothing left. Why would I want to go back? The very thought of it triggers self-harm feelings. It would be self harm to go there.
Honestly
"I don’t need to see more; I need to live what I already see.”
This is a revelation that I just had. And to your point, I understand exactly what you mean. But, I feel a bit different now than I have in the past. You're feeling are real now, as they were in the past. That part is no illusion, and you were not duped of lead to believe something that wasn't real. The difference is, you know now, what you didn't know. And you couldn't have known unless you had this experience.
This is a difficult concept to master. It requires you hold two opposing things at the same time...with clarity and understanding, instead of cognitive dissonance and ambivalent feelings. What you see and feel now is different....than what you saw and felt before in the past. That's the bridge YOU have to build, in order to accomplish this feat. It has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with your own ability to do this. And it's not easy ...I'm fact, it's quite a feat of mental gymnastics to see...that it's all real. The before and after....and how everything is real and not an illusion.
What prevented this for me, was focusing on knowing more, instead of using what I knew...to create a different reality. The gap in between...is where a bridge must be built.
I didn't need more knowledge...what I needed was building the bridge in my own understanding to actually see what I couldn't without it.
That's the "thing" that was missing. I could feel it, I knew it, but I just didn't know what is was or where to begin?
The answer: it begins inside of you...not analyzing and intellectualizing him, and what's missing there.
Living it, from inside you, is the knowing part, from a different experience than you knew before. Knowledge is from a book....knowing is from experience.
For what's it's worth, this was my error too..
but I forgive myself for not knowing where to look. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
What's the next step them? For me it's building more bridges for my own understanding not for anyone else.
I believe....what was real then for both of you was not an illusion. What is real for both of you now....is also, not an illusion.
That's the gap, that requires the bridge in understanding.
I use to hate my father for what he did to me. I was so angry I could spit, every time I thought of him. But he was dead when I realized it....and was so mad that I couldn't go and just punch him in the face. I actually got drunk one night, and drove to the cemetery ( not recommended ) and chewed his ass out...then pee'd on his grave. I was that angry...but it really didn't change a thing. I was still angry and thought I'd never get the chance to confront him, and tell him what I really thought.
The difference came when I realized that he was still beating me. He was still inflicting pain, because I was living with all that pent up anger. I was only hurting myself, he was dead...and still punishing me, until I started to fill the gap, in my own understanding.
When I built that bridge....I stopped feeling angry. I could see it for what it is...instead of what is wasn't. And it started with me, living in a different reality where everything is visible and nothing is missing.
I'm having to do it again, but it gets easier with practice. There are no ghosts or invisible illusions any more. Once you see it and feel it...you know it's all real.
J
J.
Thank you.
Firstly, just to say I am so sorry to hear how your father treated you. That’s such a deep wound.
Secondly, I’ve been thinking on what you said, and it was wise though I didn’t want to absorb it initially. Then I was clearing out my desk, and found old photos and notebooks from when me and the ex were first together; the first few years. And looking at them, reading them; I was happy then, and it was real. It was just a different reality to where we ended up. A mix of hope and ignorance and commitment to this new exciting life. But not even really ignorance, because he wasn’t then the nightmare that he became. So yes, thank you for your insight and wisdom. It helps.
oh and
He too always wanted intimacy, but never did anything to foster emotional connection, in fact did plenty to erode it. Neither would he initiate intimacy in any meaningful way- I was supposed to respond to his repeated rubbing of my arm. That’s all that he would do- signal what he wanted by rubbing my arm - I was supposed to take everything from there.
Nope. Not going back.
Respect and trust
In my book, if someone has showed fundamentally untrustworthy, they are not cut out for intimacy with you.
Re-igniting sparks is probably fine with somebody whom you still trust and love, but have drifted away from emotionally. But with someone who’s lost all your respect? No.
Respect and Trust - The difference
I do Trust him. It's the respect I struggle with... the replies have caused me to consider - I don't respect him professionally, or financially. However, he is kind and caring, and is willing to talk. Can I respect those qualities without the other? Is that enough? It does go back to the original love question though - is it there to be rekindled?
It's the Parent Child dynamic... I feel like I have a puppy dog constantly wanting attention - he's not distracted in that way...
The kind person without ability
Respect and trust for me are close friends holding hands… I respect a person for their values, integrity and stamina. I trust them for the exact same reasons.
Executive functioning affects things like work ethic, sense of logic, verbal skills, judgment, ability to decide, prioritize, make boundaries. All vital in the shaping of life.
I could never accept my kind and loving ADD ex partner’s executive weakness. I grew to hate it, even though I tried to accept it, and for so many years, I didn’t know what it was. I had perpetual cognitive dissonance about him, and I couldn’t understand it.
It’s terribly frustrating to live with a person who has good intentions but poor executive skills. It can effectively ruin your trust and respect. And you can never really be a parent figure to your romantic partner without resentment which makes them deeply unhappy.
I’d say you need to like the person on the whole. You also need to generally respect their judgment, to be in a relationship with them. If you have any choice, that is.
Swedish
And if you've lost all respect, you owe it to that person to move on for they're sake. You cannot function or operate in any mode of cooperation, if you can't be the person, you yourself would want to be around. Contempt, disregard, resentment and disdain are what you yourself would be putting out there if you'v lost all respect. You're not being a person you'd want to be with and the other person can tell. They can feel it from you, even if you don't say a thing. If your taking full responsibility for your part, this is what will happen unless you change from that. If not, then it's time to go.
In this very thread....I retold the story of getting drunk, and driving to the cemeter where my father was buried. I sat and chewed him our in the most disrespectful way. And then I pee'd on his grave, the ultimate disrespect. That's was symbolic, even if I wasn't it at aware at the time.
In that moment, I was incontrol, and my father ( symbolically ) was helpless to do anything about it. I stood over him, and did one of the most disrectful thing I could think of doing at the time by anyone's standards which spoke to how much I respected him which I didn't. Even further, his "currency " was respect, so I was symbolically speaking the language that he knew more than anyone. That was a dagger of disrespect, which was cathartic and released me from the unfinished business that I had with him. I also never returned.
Like I said, these things will come out somehow. Ether indirectly, or directly as I did. That energy doesn't go anywhere but out like garbage unless you remove yourself from the thing that's causing so much pain. It's not fair to them or you, if that's really how you feel.
That story of my dad is not about whether he deserved that or whether I was wrong to do it depending on your beliefs. It's about what happens when you live with someone who disrespects you have no where else to go. As a kid, I couldn't leave, as an adult, you have choices.
J
I thought I'd offer some of
I thought I'd offer some of my own perspective as an ADHD spouse who is also struggling with an extended lack of sexual intimacy between myself and my partner.
1. "I have lost almost all respect for my partner, and am just fed up."
If you felt like your partner was taking concrete action(s) to improve in the areas that would foster respect, would that change how you feel? Or maybe another way of asking the question would be: what would cause you to respect your partner, and can they take action to demonstrate that they deserve your respect? I think answering that question and communicating that answer to your partner would be a determining factor of whether or not you should stay in the relationship.
2. "My partner desperately wants to be loved and desired - and would be very happy to be intimate - a lot! We suffer from the Parent Child dynamic and I just don't have an interest. I don't want him to pay more attention to me!"
I sympathize with this. Have you asked why your partner they would like to sexually intimate often? That question was very difficult for me to answer, and I felt a lot of judgement from my partner for seeking intimacy despite there being obvious issues in our relationship that seemed like they should impact the desire I felt for her, but the truth is that we can seek intimacy for a variety of reasons. It was a discovery for me that I was seeking intimacy as a way of relieving and releasing stress. I wanted intimacy as a way of fulfilling my desire for rest, relaxation, pleasure, play, excitement, whereas my partner experience desire for intimacy as a result of and contributor toward affection, closeness, etc.
The chronically dopamine-deprived brain is constantly flitting between every possible source of dopamine, and if there isn't a baseline that brain can find, it can be very difficult to cope with the discomfort and distress of a "hard conversation." I often feel like I'm being asked to "pour from an empty cup" when it comes to becoming more reliable, trustworthy, attentive, affectionate, and desirous of my partner because the majority of the time just being in my body feels like hell.
I don't have an answer for you, but understanding that something like this disjunction of needs might be at play betwene you two and is worth discussing.