Just finished reading the chapter "The Surprising Ways ADHD symptoms Affect Your Marriage" in the book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage." As many of you know, that chapter is an extensive discussion of the chore wars that take place in an ADHD relationship where one partner has ADHD and the other does not. The problem is, in my marriage, although I'm the ADHD spouse, I'm the "chore master" and my non-ADHD partner is extremely "chore avoidant". My question is, how common is this pattern, since it runs contrary to the book?
My ADHD was recently diagnosed at age 59. (Our son was diagnosed in his 30s.) Everything I've read about ADHD since my diagnosis has really resonated with me. And has explained so many of my thought patterns and personality traits that I previously believed were just eccentricities. Therefore, I don't doubt my diagnosis. I'm thinking that despite my being the ADHD partner, I've become the "chore master" in our marriage because:
(1.) My husband grew up in a rural area during the 1960's and early 1970's, where women were expected to be solely responsible for domestic chores. He says he doesn't believe this anymore, but I can't help but wonder how much of that belief system he has internalized without realizing it.
(2.) My mom was verbally and physically abusive. My ADHD symptoms drove her crazy. So I was basically screamed and beaten into creating my own coping strategies and organizational systems to ensure I did schoolwork, made good grades, and otherwise keep it together and stay under Mom's radar, so to speak.
(3.) If I didn't take responsibility for the domestic chores in our marriage, NOBODY was going to do it. I was forced to become the "chore master" if our family was going to swim instead of sink.
Despite the fact that I'm the "chore master," I still feel anxious, overwhelmed, and struggling--and have for 40 years of marriage. My self-created coping strategies and systems have helped me keep on top of most stuff, but things still slip through the cracks. I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole all the time.
Has anyone else experienced this situation where the ADHD partner is the "chore master"?
Comments
This makes sense to me
It seems to me gender roles can override most personal preferences and abilities in our lives. Gender roles are deeply ingrained in most cultures. And indeed many people I think are not aware of their thought patterns regarding this.
An abusive parent, that’s a force to be reckoned with too. One does what one has to do.
Like you, I’ve lived my life with no particular planning or organizational interest or skills, but have been forced by people around me to be the organizer. It’s not comfortable, but one does it to make things work.
I assume you’re smart and resourceful and therefore have been able to compensate greatly for your ADHD symptoms, even though it’s been emotionally costly. I’m sorry for your struggles, it must have been hard.
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the response, it's nice to have someone validate my theory.
Life molds us...
Many who have fast minds do not give in to them in many ways...Also remember, ADD/ADHD is a sliding scale...(mild, moderate, high or clinical) We are formed by our environments and convictions from small children to adulthood...Nothing creates responsibility in a person like pressure...Pressure from strict parents, pressure to honor God, pressure we place on ourselves; Survival fear; (if I don't do it no one will)...An ADHD minded Individual who has matured under pressure, can be some of the most focused and productive Individuals you will meet...
There are other things of course that must be mastered, like acceptance of others who do not think like I do. etc...
I think everyone should view their abilities in life (no matter how they were formed in us) as tools in their tool box...
As long as a person with ADHD never excuses behaviors that are not respectful to those they share life with, (anyone really, but especially that one we have vowed ourself to...And of course any children) then ADHD is not something that has to be a negative...This takes self awareness, discipline, & self control...The same things it takes for someone who does not posses a fast mind...
c
Letting go and Fair Play
So agree with c ur self. I would add the following. In my marriage, I struggled with trying to be the task master and keeping a full time job. I eventfully had to come to the realization that I cannot do it all and my adhd partner must take on some chores. That was the 1st piece of the puzzle. The 2nd piece of the puzzle came when I learn and played the Fair Play Game. The game taught us to figure out our agreed standard for what does done involve in a task. That helped us so much because my partner now know what is expected and when I tell him the task isn't complete to our agreed standard, most of the time he doesn't get angry and then complete the tasks. The final piece is figuring out how he could check his work. That took a little imagination, but this was my magic formula. of course, there might be a few more pieces that helped us. i really do feel most of the time, less stressful. When I get busy at work and start feeling overwhelm, I will share that with my spouse and ask him to help. When he gets overwhelm, I would take over some of his chores, but temporary. He get them back when he is better. This has really help us staying happy and positive in my marriage.
N4ally2