Just finished reading the chapter "The Surprising Ways ADHD symptoms Affect Your Marriage" in the book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage." As many of you know, that chapter is an extensive discussion of the chore wars that take place in an ADHD relationship where one partner has ADHD and the other does not. The problem is, in my marriage, although I'm the ADHD spouse, I'm the "chore master" and my non-ADHD partner is extremely "chore avoidant". My question is, how common is this pattern, since it runs contrary to the book?
My ADHD was recently diagnosed at age 59. (Our son was diagnosed in his 30s.) Everything I've read about ADHD since my diagnosis has really resonated with me. And has explained so many of my thought patterns and personality traits that I previously believed were just eccentricities. Therefore, I don't doubt my diagnosis. I'm thinking that despite my being the ADHD partner, I've become the "chore master" in our marriage because:
(1.) My husband grew up in a rural area during the 1960's and early 1970's, where women were expected to be solely responsible for domestic chores. He says he doesn't believe this anymore, but I can't help but wonder how much of that belief system he has internalized without realizing it.
(2.) My mom was verbally and physically abusive. My ADHD symptoms drove her crazy. So I was basically screamed and beaten into creating my own coping strategies and organizational systems to ensure I did schoolwork, made good grades, and otherwise keep it together and stay under Mom's radar, so to speak.
(3.) If I didn't take responsibility for the domestic chores in our marriage, NOBODY was going to do it. I was forced to become the "chore master" if our family was going to swim instead of sink.
Despite the fact that I'm the "chore master," I still feel anxious, overwhelmed, and struggling--and have for 40 years of marriage. My self-created coping strategies and systems have helped me keep on top of most stuff, but things still slip through the cracks. I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole all the time.
Has anyone else experienced this situation where the ADHD partner is the "chore master"?
