Forum topic: No chance he’ll accept ADHD

My severe ADD ex is also an expert in the field. 

After divorce we met with a counselor because he wanted to make things better after blowing up our relationship and giving me cPTSD. 

I said we could’ve saved our marriage if he’d looked into what ADHD does to the partner, like read Melissa’s book. But he’d refused.

He haughtily explained it was such common knowledge in his field, thinking he didn’t know it was like supposing I didn’t know anatomy. 

But you never said a word about being aware of it, I replied. 

There was a certain silence in the room, and the therapist shifted in her chair.

Knowing what I know, I’d get out of that relationship if I were you. 

I do think there's a tendency amongst some ADHDers (absolutely not all, but if you're here, it's because you're having problems) for RSD to flare up in a very particular way around the very fact of their condition. 

My ex wouldn't hear me at all, and when I finally tried to get him to look at this forum so he could see the patterns, how common the problems we were having were, he said he didn't need to, because apparently he already knew all about it, and how I felt. But he really really really didn't, and continued just blaming me and my character, for our problems. 

I think the condition itself makes it hard for them to recognise the condition and its effects, and so they DARVO the hell out of you. 

If I'd known eight years in what the coming eighteen years were going to be like, I'd have packed my bags then. 

If you don't know what this is, there's an alternative name of description for it: . This is known as the "cognitive bias of illusionary superiority."

I can say this in my own words which is less flattering but still true. It's when you're not smart enough to realize how dumb you are. 

Case in point, myself, to start with. If you invision a pie chart, with slices devided equally, I have some special talents that stand out from others, especially in art and building things with my hands. On the pie chart, this would represent 1 slice of pie !!  All the other slices....not so much. With the exception of the one exceptional slice...the other slices are less than exceptional. To put it bluntly...there's a few slices where I'm horrible !! Lol  I can easily use alternative words like : lame, inept, incompetent, or simply...I suck at it. 

But where this really showed up is NOT in the obvious things I'm not very good at doing.  It showed up in my exceptional areas in creating art .....one of my best and strongest area all ! It's probably easier for me to see in a 3D object or painting, sketch etc...when looking at my own work compared to someone who's clearly superior to myself.  It's hard for me, not to notice, that my "work" , needs some work, compared to a truly, naturally gifted artist who can draw or sketch something that looks like a photograph. I cannot do that, and I know EXACTLY WHY....I cannot do that. I may have the "eye"...but I don't process the ability to ...let's say...draw a perfect circle one time on paper and it looks flawless.  I have to darw it, then erase, then draw it again, then erase it some more, then draw over it again until finally....it looks very round. I watch some people pick up a pencil,  and draw a perfect circle first time like it's nothing. One line from start to finish and no ...redoing,  then redoing,  then redoing again until finally it looks pretty good. It does create a certain style, which ends up very "sketchy " and rough looking, but that's NOT intentional !! That's not always what I want. So in essence, the end product looks good because of my artistic "eye"...but my hands and fingers and dexterity are not as refined and accurate as many people I see. They may not have my eye, but they're far superior in their ability to transfer something simple like a square or circle onto paper. I don't have that part...that's far less than exceptional but....there's no such things as a mistake in art ....my one saving grace, but I'm keenly aware of my lacking in this area ...even IF it exists in my exceptional slice of the pie.

And this really stood out in my X's family members,  which was much easier for me to see as an observer, in a house filled with nuerodivergent people!! 

I cannot tell you how many times I thought to myself " dear lord, this person is not smart enough to realize how dumb they truly are !! "

You can choose whatever definition you like. I prefer mine as it makes it easier for me to understand it. It's also a good reminder when tackling things I really need to improve on. My definition that is....for myself,  as that reminder.