I've read the ADHD Effect on Marriage book 3 times, and many others as well. So I know what everyone says and the "tips and tricks". At the end of the day, my ADHD wife of 20 years just refuses to do anything about it. She says she hates the way her brain is, but has no plans to do anything on her end.
Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything. She is on social media 6+ hours a day, but doesn't have time to clean or cook while I go to work and pay for everything.
She will talk to me all the time about her and her stuff (for hours sometimes), but as soon as I get literally 10 seconds into talking about my day or what I'm working on, out comes her phone. Or she interrupts, hijacks the conversation, and starts talking about her stuff as if I wasn't even talking. Or she just walks out of the room like I'm not even there. Somehow I'm supposed to be ok with it. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
When I try to bring her back to talking about my stuff, she says to be more interesting, or my phrasing isn't up to standard so she can't pay attention, or "fine then I just won't talk to you any more and I'll just talk to other people instead". When she does very occasionally try to listen for a moment, you can see the physical pain on her face. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse the way she treats me. It's not ok.
She gets really really angry and starts acting very childish if I bring up anything about the relationship. But if I mention something gently in passing, she doesn't even notice. It has to be more direct to even get her attention. If I call a time to sit down and discuss like grown adults, she throws a fit, makes excuses for everything, blame shifts, etc.
Apparently if I'm frustrated or angry (not yelling), then I'm wrong for feeling that way. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
She says that I'm crazy and have mental issues because I want to be able to talk about what I want to for 10-15 minutes most days and actually have a real conversation. I want to go on two date nights a month (which she absolutely abhors). I'm an awful person because I don't like the house being an absolute disaster or because I don't feel that I should have to cover for her when she overspends by $500 or more per month.
Our kids get frustrated because she says or promises something and then doesn't remember. Then she gets mad at them. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
She hates me. She has told me so. I disgust her physically. She has told be so. I am a loser. She has told me so. And she tells the kids these things about me as well.
She has been able to stay home with our 3 kids for 12 years now. Of course, she says they are her kids only and not mine because she carried them in pregnancy. I'm pretty sure it took 2 people to make a baby. But I'm probably mistaken about that too.
I make right at $100k/yr and pay all the bills including her student loans she's not using. We've never missed a payment except when she did the bills for 3 months. Lots of late fees those 3 months and our natural gas got cut off. Not because the money wasn't there. Of course it wasn't her fault and she was not accountable.
She's in charge of getting the groceries. We're always out of stuff. I take care of my food myself, but I don't "fix it" when she forgets to go to the grocery store for everything else. And of course it's not her fault and she is not accountable.
So what do you even do with that when the ADHD spouse won't do anything on their end?
We've had the same discussions/arguments hundreds of times for nearly 20 years and she just doesn't do anything differently.
Being intentional or kind isn't possible for her apparently. She says she can't. She says it doesn't even cross her mind to do things on purpose regarding our relationship.
It's like she lives in a false reality. We've been to several marriage counselors and they have told me they don't know what to do with her. She doesn't go all the time. When she does, she's late (my fault because I didn't call to make sure she left on time or remind her). She doesn't talk or participate during the session and doesn't do the "homework". She says it's none of their business.
I know the books say to decide to live with it or leave. But I'm not going to leave. I'm a Christian and made a covenant with God as well. And I've also seen too many fathers lose rights to their kids and have to pay out thousands of dollars every month so she can continue to not work just because he's a dad and not a mom. Living with it is not a good option either.
At some point, it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse. Or am I missing something?
Comments
You’re not missing anything.
You’re right.
i got all twisted out of shape
by similar behaviour from my now ex. The things that were most damaging for me was being ‘wrong for feeling that way’ and being constantly given to understand that I was bad. I got so out of touch with my feelings and who I was; I was twisted up like a little a pretzel to fit in with how he needed me to be. At least you see through her; I didn’t see through him for many years. I gave him so much undeserved authority. I’m not religious but I valued marriage and I didn’t want to distress the kids but actually separation has made everyone so much calmer and happier - except for him. At the very least I’d get yourself a counsellor, just for you.
Agreed.
Same as Honestly. You're right.
It sounds like it's time for you to take some time for YOU to figure out what YOU need to do and what steps you need to take. She's showing you and telling you what she's about and where she is....and that's what it is.
I have to repeat this for myself many times: Whatever happens or is happening - that what it IS. It is what it is.
Sometimes it's so painful for us as nons to accept the brutal reality of a situation. Our hearts just can't handle the pain of looking and SEEING what is happening and the behaviours that are being carried out. And it's even harder to accept what the reality is and just sit with it, be uncomfortable in it, be in pain and figure out what to do next. It's so so hard.
Hugs. You aren't alone in this but it is your journey for yourself.
Allergic to accountability
I've decided to stay as well, but we're about as distanced as we can be. He's told me that he thinks I'm obsessed with "boundaries" because my parents divorced.
The truth is that at some point I just lost hope in any kind of collaborative effort, because it is always about how I need to change and never about what he might do differently. I'm able to keep things reasonably clean and organized even with two very young children and their pets; he lives like a hoarder. His solution is that I need to "take ownership" of his areas and clean up after him. He can't get out of the house on time for family events even with one, two, three reminders? Well, I should have packed not only for myself and our children and our dog, but also for him. The solution is always for me to do more so we're not all suffering because he did nothing at all.
I just can't respect an adult who doesn't take care of himself. I am happy to do most of the communal tasks. I am happy to do nearly all of the shopping, childcare, errands, appointments, and activities, even when it means operating on 5-6 hours of sleep most nights. I am not happy to pick up trash a grown man dropped on the floor. I am not happy to stand over him to make sure he puts his shoes on so we can leave on time.
It's not ok
At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse the way she treats me. It's not ok.
Whats not okay is:
Blame shifting – redirecting responsibility from oneself onto another person.
Externalization of responsibility – attributing one's mistakes to outside forces or other people rather than one's own choices.
Defensiveness – protecting oneself from perceived criticism by arguing, denying, or counterattacking.
DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is especially relevant when someone responds to being confronted by denying the behavior, attacking the person bringing it up, and then portraying themselves as the victim.
Projection – attributing one's own unwanted feelings, motives, or behaviors to someone else.
Lack of accountability = the behavioral outcome of all the above.
At the core is protection from shame I feel. By protecting you're percieved "self image", it prevents feelings of shame from arising.
Instead of saying "I made a mistake", I did something wrong or I did a bad thing...
In a chronic way, it changes to: "I'm a mistake", "I'm wrong", "I'm bad" in its place.
I ran into this in my last relationship. Any hint of criticicism or, "need to improve" or change on my part was met by this ingrained pattern of self protecrion from shame.
IMHO. Intolerance to ( any ) feelings of shame is at the core. It halts problem solving in its tracks, and logic and reason fly right out the door.
And like me ( despite me being AuDHD ) her inability to tolerate shame became my responsiblitly to deal with...so she didn't have to.
It's wasn't my responsibility then...as it's not your responsibility now, either.