I've read the ADHD Effect on Marriage book 3 times, and many others as well. So I know what everyone says and the "tips and tricks". At the end of the day, my ADHD wife of 20 years just refuses to do anything about it. She says she hates the way her brain is, but has no plans to do anything on her end.
Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything. She is on social media 6+ hours a day, but doesn't have time to clean or cook while I go to work and pay for everything.
She will talk to me all the time about her and her stuff (for hours sometimes), but as soon as I get literally 10 seconds into talking about my day or what I'm working on, out comes her phone. Or she interrupts, hijacks the conversation, and starts talking about her stuff as if I wasn't even talking. Or she just walks out of the room like I'm not even there. Somehow I'm supposed to be ok with it. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
When I try to bring her back to talking about my stuff, she says to be more interesting, or my phrasing isn't up to standard so she can't pay attention, or "fine then I just won't talk to you any more and I'll just talk to other people instead". When she does very occasionally try to listen for a moment, you can see the physical pain on her face. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
At some point it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse the way she treats me. It's not ok.
She gets really really angry and starts acting very childish if I bring up anything about the relationship. But if I mention something gently in passing, she doesn't even notice. It has to be more direct to even get her attention. If I call a time to sit down and discuss like grown adults, she throws a fit, makes excuses for everything, blame shifts, etc.
Apparently if I'm frustrated or angry (not yelling), then I'm wrong for feeling that way. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
She says that I'm crazy and have mental issues because I want to be able to talk about what I want to for 10-15 minutes most days and actually have a real conversation. I want to go on two date nights a month (which she absolutely abhors). I'm an awful person because I don't like the house being an absolute disaster or because I don't feel that I should have to cover for her when she overspends by $500 or more per month.
Our kids get frustrated because she says or promises something and then doesn't remember. Then she gets mad at them. Nothing is her fault and she is not accountable for anything.
She hates me. She has told me so. I disgust her physically. She has told be so. I am a loser. She has told me so. And she tells the kids these things about me as well.
She has been able to stay home with our 3 kids for 12 years now. Of course, she says they are her kids only and not mine because she carried them in pregnancy. I'm pretty sure it took 2 people to make a baby. But I'm probably mistaken about that too.
I make right at $100k/yr and pay all the bills including her student loans she's not using. We've never missed a payment except when she did the bills for 3 months. Lots of late fees those 3 months and our natural gas got cut off. Not because the money wasn't there. Of course it wasn't her fault and she was not accountable.
She's in charge of getting the groceries. We're always out of stuff. I take care of my food myself, but I don't "fix it" when she forgets to go to the grocery store for everything else. And of course it's not her fault and she is not accountable.
So what do you even do with that when the ADHD spouse won't do anything on their end?
We've had the same discussions/arguments hundreds of times for nearly 20 years and she just doesn't do anything differently.
Being intentional or kind isn't possible for her apparently. She says she can't. She says it doesn't even cross her mind to do things on purpose regarding our relationship.
It's like she lives in a false reality. We've been to several marriage counselors and they have told me they don't know what to do with her. She doesn't go all the time. When she does, she's late (my fault because I didn't call to make sure she left on time or remind her). She doesn't talk or participate during the session and doesn't do the "homework". She says it's none of their business.
I know the books say to decide to live with it or leave. But I'm not going to leave. I'm a Christian and made a covenant with God as well. And I've also seen too many fathers lose rights to their kids and have to pay out thousands of dollars every month so she can continue to not work just because he's a dad and not a mom. Living with it is not a good option either.
At some point, it's not just ADHD. It's bad behavior and abuse. Or am I missing something?
