My husband's mouth is starting to rot out because he hasn't been keeping up with his dental care. He doesn't like his dentist, so he asked me to make an appointment for him with mine, which I was happy to do. I really like my dentist -- they're a small team, but they're thorough and they obviously care about their work.
Anyway, I reminded him the previous night to fill out the patient paperwork and get up in time for his 11 am appointment and he just said "yeah, I probably won't make that because I haven't gotten to sleep much, I need to sleep in." I was like, what? You need this appointment. A week or two ago you were telling me that the pain was awful and you needed to be seen sooner, now you're just not going at all?
He said he'd try. This morning he intentionally missed the appointment and didn't bother to call them to let them know not to expect him.
In the scheme of things this is such a minor issue that I was surprised that it made me so angry. On reflection, I realized that I'm angry that I can't vouch for my husband in good faith, ever. And this sort of situation doesn't matter much, but things that do matter come up all the time.
Like his friend who let him store a bunch of stuff in his basement "for a few months." It's been almost 2 years and he's pissed. Should I have told him he was going to be stuck with that junk? That guy's wife runs the homeschooling group our kids are involved in, and I get the sense she's soured on all of us. Or the neighbor who quit his job in part because my husband offered him one, but now he only asks him to come work once or twice a week and cancels on him close to half the time.
Our family is surrounded by people like this who got caught up in my husband's impulsive, wildly optimistic and frankly narcissistic vision of himself and his plans, and my husband seems to have absolutely no sense that he owes anyone anything after they extend significant favors and trust to him. I can't say that he treats me, his parents or his brother any better, and I expect when our kids are old enough he will do the same to them.
There are times I've told my husband no, I won't help you with that or no, you shouldn't get into this arrangement. We both know you're not going to follow through on your end. But then he basically accuses me of being the sort of cold, critical wife who does nothing but drag her spouse down, and you know what? I kind of see it, and it horrifies me. I always saw myself as a helper, a multiplier, someone who would brighten her husband's door.
Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day? How is it that he can manage to stay up three days in a row to binge a series he likes, but can't figure out how to make time for any obligation he's not excited about? Why am I brought to tears parenting our two young children -- one with special needs -- completely alone for days on end, but he feels no shame telling me he's too tired to help because he stayed up all night again?
I guess in some sense it doesn't matter. Maybe it's both. I wish there were more guidance. I've had people tell me "that's not just ADHD," but there really aren't any clean lines.
Comments
I've been here
Sometimes there's no way through but out.
no clean lines
I really feel for you. I was in a similar relationship - down to the hygiene issues - and was also called critical, negative and even cruel. If you're hesitant to leave 'for the sake of the kids', I'm here to tell you what he's modelling to them and inflicting on them is doing them no good at all.
Aside from all of the social and practical complexity you have to deal with day to day, the people in your shared lives he has pissed off, the fact that you can't rely on him to even show up for favours you are doing him - how are you supposed to fancy him, with a mouth full of rot? Kiss him? How are you to have any kind of physical intimacy, when he breathes that kind of breath on you?
Does he even wonder what that's like for you?
I stayed longer than I should have. With the bad breath and the blackheads and the boils (and that wasn't even the worst of it), the managing everything on my own including him, including the emotional abuse of his turning every problem we had into my fault, which I internalised. I didnt know then the damage he was doing to the kids with his lack of engagement and care.
I am so glad to be out. I am still struggling with the 'critical, negative and cruel' characterisation of me, but that's fading. I'm actually okay.
My one piece of advice: save yourself. Whatever form that takes, find a way to save yourself.
changed my view
i was about to say that, should keep trying.... but you really opened my eyes
I can relate
My husband has a neuromuscular disease that he has chosen to ignore for years. It has now progressed to the point that he should probably be in a wheelchair, or at least get physical therapy and leg braces. He keeps stating he plans on making changes such as eating better, exercising, etc., but does nothing. All the while, I am doing all I can to stay fit and mobile since we are both at retirement age (although we both are still working). All I can see in the future is having to care for him when he simply does not think he even needs to care for himself. Sorry this is not much help to you (especially with children to care for), but you are not alone in your frustration. I too am considering options for MY future, even at age 67, that is a bit scary to say the least. I just do not want another 30 years of this behavior.
This is Alarming
"Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day?"
I want to state up front, I'm not a doctor, pharmacist or expert in the field of drugs. My only expertise comes from my own experience but when I read this....alarm bells went off.
Growing up and living during a time ( early 70's ) when illicit drug use had reached the point that schools were required to present movies and material to student warning them of the dangers of "street drugs" and what can happen if a person becomes addicted including the "warning signs"......number one on the list was "change in personality " . That's a pretty broad stroke of the brush that doesn't really describe what that means exactly.
They were trying to scare you of course, but the slogan, "Speed Kills" was the one being used. They pictured a cartoon of a guy stradeling a syringe, riding it like a rocket with his hair flying back headed to the ground with a look of terror on his face. That was the extent of the education being offered to us kids at the time.
I have a few things to say about this based on myself and my own experience. I was never compelled to take "hard drugs" as they called it, despite my experinentation which, is kind of what I do with everthing, so this wasn't a problem for me. In college however, I did try amphetamines to study, and they were easy to come by in that particulsr situation. My experience, was they were mildly effective for doing just that. Keeping me awake to study late into the night. I didn't continue of use them regularly....but I immeduatly noticed the pattern of going without sleep caused more problems for me, and changed my disposition to sonething other than what I am when I'm fully rested and getting plenty of sleep. That alone, caused a major shift in my personality ...temporarily. Once finals were over...I returned to "myself" again.
I just wanted to say, I have a strong constitution when it comes to drugs and alchohal. It takes me more, as I've noticed, to get the same effect I see in others sometimes. When I started on Adderall...I couldn't even feel 10mg. Like, I felt nothing. No benefit of positive effect what so ever. So my nurse practitioner and I , started bumping up my doses until finally, I arrived at what seemed to work best. At one point, during my experimentation...I got up to 60mg, which, my provider said, she wouldn't precribe more than that as a rule to anyone. That were her proffesional line, that she felt comfortable with.
Which was fine with me, because I found at 60mg, I was starting to experience some nagative effects so ....that was also my personal line where it was now starting to become detrimental ie: the negative started surpassing any bebefits I was recieving.
Ultimately, 40mg was my sweet spot and I rarely took 60mg...except during overtime situations at work ( 12 hr days ) where my focus and attention waned. Under regular situations, 40mg was just about perfect.
Now, as Ive gotten older, 20mg meets the sane criteria and any more than that starts to go over that "fine line".
So for me, the guy with the strong drug constitution, hears someone taking 90mg a day, the alarm bells start goung off. If I took 90mg even once....I'd be wired. And wired is NOT good ! Being wired is like me, back in college pulling an all nighter then going straight to my final with no sleep what so ever. That's not a sustainable way to live I can tell you. You get, what I call, tertiary exhauation. You're entire body is now dependant of this artificial means to fuel your ability to function. I could list a host of negative behaviors just from not getting enough sleep.
Which is what reninded me of those scare tactics in school. Cherry picking the worst possible scenerio ( injecting amphetamines ) with death being the end result.
But there's more than one outcome when you cross that fine line between benefit and detriment. Death isn't the one and only negative ourcome, from taking too much.
IMHO. 90mg is WAY too much! But again, I don't know enough about other people and how their systems work, to make that statment, based on real expert knowledge which I don't have.
If it were me, however, 90mg a day would send me through the roof. Especially now, when 20mg seems to do hit that fine line right on target.
I also wanted to add. Someone who's abusing amphetamines is going to behave very narcissistic in my experience.
Cause and effect. I'd be looking there as a possible answer, if this coinsides with other bad behaviors if it were me.