My husband's mouth is starting to rot out because he hasn't been keeping up with his dental care. He doesn't like his dentist, so he asked me to make an appointment for him with mine, which I was happy to do. I really like my dentist -- they're a small team, but they're thorough and they obviously care about their work.
Anyway, I reminded him the previous night to fill out the patient paperwork and get up in time for his 11 am appointment and he just said "yeah, I probably won't make that because I haven't gotten to sleep much, I need to sleep in." I was like, what? You need this appointment. A week or two ago you were telling me that the pain was awful and you needed to be seen sooner, now you're just not going at all?
He said he'd try. This morning he intentionally missed the appointment and didn't bother to call them to let them know not to expect him.
In the scheme of things this is such a minor issue that I was surprised that it made me so angry. On reflection, I realized that I'm angry that I can't vouch for my husband in good faith, ever. And this sort of situation doesn't matter much, but things that do matter come up all the time.
Like his friend who let him store a bunch of stuff in his basement "for a few months." It's been almost 2 years and he's pissed. Should I have told him he was going to be stuck with that junk? That guy's wife runs the homeschooling group our kids are involved in, and I get the sense she's soured on all of us. Or the neighbor who quit his job in part because my husband offered him one, but now he only asks him to come work once or twice a week and cancels on him close to half the time.
Our family is surrounded by people like this who got caught up in my husband's impulsive, wildly optimistic and frankly narcissistic vision of himself and his plans, and my husband seems to have absolutely no sense that he owes anyone anything after they extend significant favors and trust to him. I can't say that he treats me, his parents or his brother any better, and I expect when our kids are old enough he will do the same to them.
There are times I've told my husband no, I won't help you with that or no, you shouldn't get into this arrangement. We both know you're not going to follow through on your end. But then he basically accuses me of being the sort of cold, critical wife who does nothing but drag her spouse down, and you know what? I kind of see it, and it horrifies me. I always saw myself as a helper, a multiplier, someone who would brighten her husband's door.
Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day? How is it that he can manage to stay up three days in a row to binge a series he likes, but can't figure out how to make time for any obligation he's not excited about? Why am I brought to tears parenting our two young children -- one with special needs -- completely alone for days on end, but he feels no shame telling me he's too tired to help because he stayed up all night again?
I guess in some sense it doesn't matter. Maybe it's both. I wish there were more guidance. I've had people tell me "that's not just ADHD," but there really aren't any clean lines.
