Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!

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I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! That's just great! Now I'm going to get sick! Thanks a lot!" And that was just with a scratchy throat. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100°. I sit on the couch and tell him I've got a fever. Once again I get "That's great! Stay away from me!" Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! I see we are out of aspirin and ask him if he knows of any in the house. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! Okay, WE?? I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. Whenever he's sick I ask if I can go get anything from the store for him or do anything for him. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. It always boils down to me getting sick on purpose! I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! That's great! It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!"

Gosh, feel better! The

Gosh, feel better! The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse... you need the peace and quiet to recover gently.

With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home)  -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room.

Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage?

I was able to forgive him but the severity of the ADHD "overrides" still boggles my mind...

What you described is NOT

What you described is NOT ADHD.  

 

I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse.  This is a personality disorder. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnant...not helping me when I was completely incapacitated.  THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder.  Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more  it just reinforced what he already knew.

 

Don't get me wrong.  Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread.

 

Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD.  Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders.  

 

When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful.  Why?  Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him....not the other way around.  And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for.  

 

Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured.

 

God forbid that I ever get anything serious. I've told our kids that THEY will be in charge of me if I ever get cancer or something like that.  Not my H.  He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life.

Unfornately.....You Are Right OW

That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me?  And....as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well?  Recalling...the time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway?  I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! yikes!!  Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills?  I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room?  I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it?  So I had been barfing all day long....almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult.  Anyway.....it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right?

So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day.....and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day long...and he comes to the door way and just looks at me...and me at him......thinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank look...and then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever?  Just comes to the door and looks at me like a piece of meat and then walks away and leaves after all of that?  And that look on his face is what I will always remember.  Blank.  Emotionless.  Devoid of anything?  Like I was some animal in the Zoo...and he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity.  No words.  No expression.  Nothing. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all?

All I have to say about that is.....THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit....right there!!

And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind?  If that had been me standing there ...coming to see me after all of that?  I would have been down on my knees...begging for forgiveness....for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperature...and not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well?

And my mother  ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? )....the instant I said I didn't feel well...she put her hand on my forehead....went..OMG...got a thermometer and took my temperature....as one might think one should do in a situation like that?

That behavior...doesn't not belong to ADHD I can guarantee...and since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem.....I can say that in his case...that was NPD!  Confirmed.

When someone is sick or injured....I'm first respondent...just so you know?  And I also have to include....I have a very low tolerance...to this kind of behavior!!  Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be?  I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!!

That's my two bits ...and I'm sticking too it.

 

J

intolerance to sick or injured

Can totally relate to your post.  After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them!  We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. However, I work and take care of the house and the kids.  Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. etc. he gets very angry.  Many years ago I had appendicitis. He came home from work at 9 pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." He did - but was very angry and mean about it.  Angry loud voice- "Where do you want to go!?" Etc. When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst.  Anyway. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder.  If I ever get any big illness, he will not take care of me...he doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones.  I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage.  And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life) I am not going to feel very compassionate.  I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age.  I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with.  BTW, when our kids are sick he is mean and heartless.  He will do things like say "You are not sick!!" and my child will throw up or have a fever.  He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD,  I see him as cold and heartless.  

I broke my neck in a car accident

And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. 

It was my truck. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. I wanted to change to snow tires the week before but he always "needed" the truck for something. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. 

So I have to work on forgiving us both. 

His entertainment comes before anything else

When I was 3 months pregnant, we took a trip to Mexico. I got very sick from what I ate. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. Later I let him know I am very sick and need some help. He still ignored and hung by the pool by himself. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor when a person who worked at the hotel brought me a chair to sit down. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this.

I agree with Overwhelmedwife

Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait.

My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced.  After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast.  I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house.  Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me.  I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners.  All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals.  I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week.  When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money.  If you need help, I will cook dinner".  Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast.

We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot .  I was trying to do something simple.  The reception was held at a house, in he back yard.  I had to step down onto the patio from the back door.  Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast.  My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter.  My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall".  I told her  that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK.  My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on the cement patio, hard.

My husband's reaction?  He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? He then proceeded to rip me a new one, in front of his parents. I was an embarrassment to him... Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would.  I was shaking so badly, but I did make it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. 

Bottom line?  My ex didn't have ADHD.  He was an abusive, narcissistic Asshole.

Adeles645

I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. 2 yrs ago I was in a serious car accident. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. Of course my H called right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). He reluctantly came up to the accident sight. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. That is my H 100%! When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. He is Extremely self centered, has No Empathy or Sympathy for anyone except himself. He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. I haven't been yelled at once while expressing myself. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story.