Acceptance of work load and loneliness?

My grave ADD husband of 20 years and I have moved back together after three months of living separately. The time apart has made our situation clearer. I have realized I do manage work, the household, the children's activities and Christmas preparations alone, even when sick with the flu for weeks. He has realized his capacity is even smaller than he thought. He cannot make any promises about his contribution to the family long or short term.

Now back together but in separate rooms to improve sleep and private space, I find there have been no fights for a month. What disturbs me is the amount of work I need to handle and the loneliness. Of course life is not fair. I do 90% and everything that needs creativity, social interactions and optimism, he does 10% but unreliably. That might be our "fair". I try to accept it. But how do I handle the physical stress? My work is very demanding, I do weekend and evening shifts with huge responsibilities. Come home after a Sunday night shift and find everything ajar at home. No bread in the house, son in acute need of something for school Monday morning. Laundry in heaps. Husband miserable because he can't get much done and blames himself. 

I think I have accepted that our family life will always be defined by the ADD. I have for the most part given up my former dreams and ambitions. No matter how hard I work, I will never be able to compensate for the ADD. But I need to preserve as much of myself as possible, to at least offer the children security, hope and a cultural and spiritual home. I struggle with this. We have had to stop seeing most family and friends as the ADD has made joint gatherings so terrible for me I can't do them anymore. Now I feel so alone in creating this life for us. 

This is an existential crisis, I think. As so many of you have described, the physical sensation of betrayal from a partner, however unintentional and blameless is hard to deal with. 

I try to take care of myself in every possible way and do have the privilege of good personal friends for support. But still.

Any thoughts?