My husband, 33, has just been diagnosed with a pretty severe case of ADD and probably some other issues (through SPECT analysis). We have been struggling for 2 years, I finally had to have him leave the house Friday because he was accusing me of being an insensitive person and treating him badly and insulting my "character." I told him that we have a lot of stress but neither one of us is a bad person. You know where this is going. I refuse to let him end this relationship because he overthinks. Not until he's under some good medicine and therapy. Anyway, he has had an appointment with an ADD "coach" for the last two weeks. He is just beginning what seems to be an "ok" program (went to some dr in VA who "used" to be with Amen and we are here in Florida!). He talked to the ADD coach only the 2nd time today. I asked him to update me tonight and let me know how he was feeling, if it was the same way. Because I'm not taking him back, ever, if he doesn't change his mind. I can handle all ADD issues (I've read all the books by this point, thanks to the suggestions of this forum for a long time). I can't handle my husband insulting myself as a person. Anyway, he said to give him a couple of weeks. We've never been apart for longer than two days without losing it. Of course he has no job and I am stuck with everything financially, including raising the 2 children I have. Etc. You know the drill. So, I'm busy, anyway, but this doesn't seem fair. I can't wait two weeks, I'll go crazy. I need someone to talk with about this because I begged him to let us get in front of someone who knows how to deal with ADD in a marriage, especially a case that was neglected for years and years. He has a coach whom he talks with over the phone. That's it. Then he tells me to wait a couple of weeks. This just isn't fair and my life is left hanging. I will give him the space he needs (which again neglects me...) but I need some help. I need someone to talk with about this because I can't do this alone and with parents/friends because they don't know ADD. I need to talk with a professional who can help me get through this. So, I did some research here and I'm going to have to find someone who SPECIALIZES in ADD here (largest city in Florida, you'd think I could find someone). We went to 3 marriage counselors/pyschologists, though, so far, and they've been HORRIBLE. Didn't address the ADD at all. They didn't get it.
I can't be with someone who is blaming me for his unhappiness...but is it ever going to be possible to convince him of otherwise or am I just wasting my time? I am not an abusive person and everything I've read says the meds aren't everything...he will have to take responsibility and stop blaming me for all. I fell madly in love with this man and had no idea he had all this, it was hidden for two years and just is finally coming out, after forever of him not dealing with it.
I know it all sounds so familiar, but I just wondered if I am holding out hope for nothing. And, don't you think we should be doing something instead of just "waiting" two weeks for my husband to decide how he feels about one coaching/ADD session?
I am so at a loss.
I have been reading these posts for months and they have helped me tremendously. I feel all of your pain. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this post.
Drowning, 7 blocks from the ocean.
Same situation
Submitted by newstart on
My husband was diagnosed with ADD at 50, 2 years ago. I have been dealing with this for the last 23 years of marriage and the last 6-8 years he has mentally checked out(his words). As a result of his depression and ADD, we have gone through hell - bankruptcies, businesses gone bad, marital problems, ...
I have 2 kids, 1 in college and the other applying for 2010. One day my husband decided to get up and leave because I was the problem - like to live in chaos, I was the spender (?!), I did not give him peace. He refused to take meds or do anything about it in the 2 years he had been diagnosed!
He left for 6 months to heal himself and left me with a financial mess in the business, tuition of an ivy league, house mortgage and expense upwards of $ 6,000, etc. He seems to have moved on with life (he lives with his brother and his family) and is happy where he is. It has been a year now and I do not know what his plans are. It is so much easier to live with his brother and have no responsibility of wife and kids, except an occassional phone call to the kids, and me(when he wants me to do something). He sends money now IF I behave?! And this month I know I did not behave, as per his definition, so I will have financial problems
I am going for counselling, and he does it over the phone with the same councellor, but we have no idea what he is thinking. Don't know what advice/suggestions he is getting from his family who has a history of ADD, but nobody left their spouse and kids and took off like this! When the going gets tough, he generally files bankruptcy and runs, changes business names, etc.
So, honestly I don't know whether this separation actually works for the family. He says he is doing perfectly fine as soon as he left the house, no problems whatsoever, but he broke a family up with his behavior. And I don't think he cares - as he puts it, he needs to win in a situation for him to agree to it, and the family has ended being the loser in his desire to win, especially in this last year. I have seen the worst for 23 years, and his family gets to see the good side of him!
Wondered how you were doing
Submitted by Dazed and confused on
Hi,
I was the original poster of this message and I'm still dealing with it. My husband came back after a few months at that time, but now we have been separated again for a year. He's had several more tests and has basically been diagnosed with the same thing, ADD and EFD (executive function disorder).
It has been a nightmare. He won't take meds. He's finally seeing a psychologist he likes but I don't see how this works without medicine. Period.
I wondered how you were...?
Your story is very similar to mine
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Our marriage counselor didn't get it, and his psych didn't get it either. They both made things worse, actually. My guy overthinks, too, etc. Subtract the children and change the timeframe, and I could have written pretty much the same post.
ADD makes husbands very selfish without their knowing it. Mine is basically a good person (i.e., beyond the ADD), and I do believe he loved me, but he did pretty much whatever he wanted without realizing when it might have a negative affect on me or the marriage. He just couldn't "see" it. So, me, my life, and my career have taken a *huge* hit, and I was blamed for *everything* wrong with us, while he had no concept of the pain and damage his ADD was causing to me and our marriage.
My head nearly exploded the first few times I heard this from fellow ADDers, therapists, etc.: That I didn't do anything wrong (outside of turning into something less like a wife and more like a frightened and abused animal by the end because I was running on empty), and that nearly all of our marital problems were due to his ADD. Your situation sounds similar.
I love my husband very, very much, but I can't take him back until he understands what his ADD did, and repairs the damage. I would work with that--I understand what's going on now, whereas before I thought he was just being a garden-variety selfish jerk (!). But I think he believes that divorce is easier than coming clean and fixing what the ADD broke, which is a shame.
I feel your pain, and I understand how much you just want to get on with things, one way or the other. You may be waiting for a very long time. If he's doing ok like this, he may not feel the need to move anything forward because he can't "feel" beyond the end of his nose. I'm afraid that you may be dealing with this sort of thing forever even if he does come back. I get the impression that some people "get it" and grow some consideration and empathy, and some just don't. I know that this may sound painful to hear, but you may need to just take the reins, cut yourself off from him, and move on with your life so he doesn't bleed you dry. I'm more and more, sadly, coming to this conclusion for myself.
but he did pretty much
Submitted by aquariusmoon6 on
but he did pretty much whatever he wanted without realizing when it might have a negative affect on me or the marriage. He just couldn't "see" it. So, me, my life, and my career have taken a *huge* hit, and I was blamed for *everything* wrong with us, while he had no concept of the pain and damage his ADD was causing to me and our marriage.
I know what you are going through and it really hurts so badly
How are you doing, as well?
Submitted by Dazed and confused on
6 years later I found this post again by accident!
How are you doing?
My husband and I are now separated for a year. It's a nightmare even attempting anything.
Would love some feedback!
waiting is hard but can be worthwhile
Submitted by arwen on
SIJ, I understand how hard it is to wait!!! I have been married to my ADD spouse for almost 35 years (I do not have ADD), he was diagnosed 15 years ago and went onto meds right away. The meds did make a big difference in his ability to remember things and be less hyperfocused, but of course they could not do anything about breaking a lifetime of old, bad habits developed as coping mechanisms to deal with the ADD -- that required counseling. At first we both attended, then over time, I dropped out of the counseling. But before the diagnosis, he was in complete denial, and we'd had years of fighting and all kinds of other problems.
After the diagnosis, we both worked at making things better, but the progress was slow. My husband also suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which makes his ADD worse (although he is mostly not aware of the effects), so much of the progress made during the summers would be lost during the winter. Furthermore, after he hit age 50, his ADD and SAD began to get worse, but although I kept saying his meds needed adjustment, neither he or his doctors would pay any attention. Finally a few years ago things came to a head and I asked him to leave.
The separation was a big help. It opened his eyes to a lot of things he took for granted or had blamed me for. It also gave me some breathing space to calm myself and reconnect with myself. He and his doctors agreed to adjust his meds, which also helped a lot. Because communicating was one of our big problems (my husband's ability to express himself outside of work leaves a lot to be desired, while I'm able to speak extemporaneously pretty clearly on a multitude of subjects), his counselor suggested we set up a schedule of formal meetings several times a week, to structure our communications in a more effective way, which was a key factor in working things out. We ended our separation after a little less than a year, and things have been much better ever since.
Over the years, my husband and I have developed one iron-clad rule that I think has made a true difference as well. I came to realize that there were times when we were arguing or discussing when my husband got so upset or confused or mentally exhausted that he literally couldn't think usefully anymore. He would get angry and refuse to talk any further, which was unacceptable to me since I couldn't see any way to make progress if we didn't talk! When he was not upset, he could see my point, so we agreed that when he felt like he couldn't talk any more, we would put the discussion on hold and we would set a new day/time to discuss the problem. The date/time had to be a reasonable amount of time in the future (e.g. if the problem needed to by resolved by the end of the week because of something that depended on the resolution, he couldn't set the time to continue the discussion for two weeks later), but it had to give him enough time to give due consideration to the problem (and I had to accept that it would take him longer than it would take me). At the same time, it couldn't be so far down the road that he would be at risk of forgetting key parts of the disagreement. He would often try to ignore such considerations, and I'd have to press him (but as calmly and unemotionally as possible) to take these things into account, but we always managed to come to an agreement on a "re-start". *This was very hard for both of us!!!* He didn't really want to return to any discussion, he really wanted to forget about it, while I found it a screaming frustration to have to wait to try to resolve the issue. I'm a fundamentally impatient angry person, and it would make me crazy to leave things unresolved. I gained a lot of weight the first several years of this from stress eating, and it didn't do my blood pressure any good either.
But eventually we both adapted. I still get frustrated to wait, but most of the time it no longer drives me off my rocker and into the fridge. He still doesn't want to start the discussion again, but he knows that it really does work better and the sooner he can honestly manage to tackle it again, the better off we usually are. I'm slowly losing the weight, and my blood pressure's back down, and we fight a *lot* less.
So, is there hope? yes. Is the waiting worth it? It was for me -- obviously, your situation may be different. Shouldn't you be doing something while you are "waiting" for him to consider the latest counseling proposal? Definitely. But what I would suggest may not be what you have in mind. I suggest you try to find some time to yourself to contemplate and relax. (I know that's really hard with two kids! I've been there! But if you can, it may really help you a lot.) You have spent all this energy and anguish already -- is it really worth throwing all that effort away because you feel you just can't wait two weeks? Take a deep breath, step back and try to look at a larger picture. In the grand scheme of things, two weeks is nothing. It may help to try to prepare yourself emotionally for either answer. At the same time, I would also suggest that if you are in contact with your spouse, you check with him (in a calm, non-confrontational way) as to whether he has been thinking about the counseling proposal -- because if he isn't reminded, the thinking may be very minimal. It probably won't help if you sound anxious or nagging, but if you can convey a real interest in what he's been thinking about, you may get some idea of what his concerns are and how much progress he's made towards a decision.
One thing that I would urge you to keep in mind through all this: you are in control of your brain, you have learned to think logically and effectively -- your spouse very probably is not at this point. In order to be successful in your interactions, you may discover you cannot deal with him as if his brain worked as effectively as yours, even if he is on meds. He may actually really need two weeks to acquire enough information and understanding of the possibilities implicit in the proposal, to evaluate how he feels and to articulate these things to himself. Frankly, my husband has taken a lot longer sometimes on equally important matters affecting us. This is especially true when he is honestly trying to do a careful job instead of reacting impulsively! But at the same time you probably cannot trust him to do all the necessary reflection without some degree of prodding from you.
I don't see any indication in your post that you have been to a counselor on your own. You may want to consider such a possibility. While this forum can be very helpful and informative about dealing with ADD, it is less able to provide any insights about your own unique personality and what contributions you may be unwittingly making to your problelms. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not blaming you in any way for what has happened in your marriage! But we non-ADDers married to ADD spouses have a tendency to keep trying to deal with our mates as if they actually are the way we want them to be. Until I came to understand how my spouse's mind actually worked, I couldn't deal with him effectively. And I couldn't understand how my spouse's mind worked until counseling opened my eyes to other possible approaches. It taught me things about myself that I hadn't recognized that were getting in the way of developing a better dynamic with my spouse. So even if you are doing nothing wrong, counseling for the non-ADD spouse can be valuable.
I know this is all *so hard* to deal with, and it can just eat you up. Hang in there, you are ahead of the game with what you already know and understand, you will survive and your kids will be OK, though it won't be easy. Good luck, my prayers are with you! Let us know how things go and know that you are not alone.
How to discuss/argue
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Arwen, I like your way of handling discussions and arguments. It sounds difficult to implement, but effective. I wish we could have tried it before the marriage imploded. But, then again, I wish his ADD had been diagnosed before the marriage imploded, too.
ADHD blind stepping on beautiful flowers
Submitted by Dan on
BreadBaker, yes, I think Arwen's comments are brilliant. I've also read her wise comments in this discussion thread here... http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/i-am-not-responsible#comment-4945
Arwen's logical comment "the fact remains that people with ADD have a physiological brain disorder that they cannot control any more than a blind man can make himself see." ... brought a breath of fresh air to me when I first read it. It's why I acknowledge my ADHD, is if it was cancer or diabetes, or blindness. I'm not ashamed to have it, I'm upset with myself for what I've done because of ADHD, but I'm not ashamed to have it. ADHD should NOT be a "get out of jail free" card either, much like a blind man may NOT want any special treatment either. Thank you, Arwen for seeing we are not evil conniving monsters that wanted the implosion, much like a blind man didn't want to step on those flowers. It truly helps to be understood and it's up to the ADHD man to be "a man" and learn to walk more carefully in life instead of continuing to trash upon the lovely tulips.
Thank you!
Submitted by Dazed and confused on
Wow, thank you so much! I'm the original poster and I found this post again by accident. I love your suggestions and do appreciate them very much! Please update me on how you are doing. My husband and I are now separated for a year.
We still have our finances together, is that something that is usually separated in cases such as this? I can't get him to pay attention to anything in the checkbook but he sure as heck complains about anything I spend when he actually looks. And worries about not having enough money, on and on and on and on....but gets nowwhere, as you probably already know.