Sigh....feeling such a huge lump in the pit of my stomach...fear? I don't know...just need a shoulder to lean on right now.
I wish the difficulties in my ADHD spouse were just limited to inattention, hyperfocusing, social gaffes etc etc. What I can't seem to wrap my head...or heart...around is the things he's said to me over the years that were so very, very painful. The latest was just yesterday when he told me that since he's the breadwinner in the household, he has the final say in any major decisions. In other words, my opinion/advice doesn't count at all because I stay home with my children and don't bring in any money. I had questioned my husband about the purchase of a foreclosed property that he made. I had been strongly against this purchase because I knew it was his latest in a long string of obsessive projects, and that he'd be working on the fix-up for months to come while ignoring his family. My husband bought it of course, citing the reason that he wanted to make some money. I know this will wind up costing us money as all his projects do. He's in total denial of this, and believes that I have no say in the matter anyway as I'm a homemaker. (Doesn't matter that I raised three kids with disabilites on my own while coping with my own disease and cancer....sigh.)
In my mind, raising healthy, compassionate children is a full-time job...paid or not...and I'm very proud of myself for the successes my kids have had.....my oldest is on the dean's list in college, my middle child just received his high school diploma and my youngest in special ed is getting all A's and B's on his report cards. They're dealing with Tourrette's, ADD, anxiety disorder and learning disabilities respectively. It hurts SO MUCH to know that not only does my husband not see how hard I've worked, but that my opinion doesn't matter anyway. I can't even cry about this 'cause I have Sjogren's Syndrome and my eyes don't make tears anymore. Talk about irony, huh?
So....how does one get rid of the stomach knots and the hurtful comments....like "I've never been in love with you" or "I only married you because I felt obligated" or "you're not worth the effort"? I could go on for quite awhile but you get the picture I'm sure. I desperately want a separation from him....for him to move out...but I have a terrible feeling he'll refuse to leave, and I have nowhere to go. He's very controlling. I'm financially dependent too...something I wish I could change but my own disability is significant and working outside the home presents huge challenges for me. I do not qualify for disability because while I have the right number of work credits they aren't recent...I've been raising my kids....just another way to penalize parents who stay home with their children.
Sorry....I'm whining...not like me...just feeling so trapped....like a rat. I need to find a way to work from home if I can...just drawing blanks right now....feeling like I've been hit by a truck again. Does anyone have any advice for me....or just a shoulder I can lean on for awhile until I feel more like myself again? I'm hurting.....:(((